A letter from Jul 13th, 2021

Hello, Nicole. The past few weeks have been rather eventful. I went to some parties, reunited with Kira Grimes, accidentally started dating a lesbian, but yet my current boyfriend stays naive. I feel terrible. At September’s party I got black out drunk but it was really fun. Her families really chill. I got to see some of my friends that I haven’t been involved with since before COVID in grade 9. People kept handing me alcohol, apparently I kissed everyone there, oops. This guy Brandon Golden messaged me the other day telling me I hooked up with him at September’s during the party. I genuinely don’t remember that and it’s kind of scary. The next day from that party was sufficiently worse, though. I started off going to Lukes place at 10am to hangout with him and Amber Crowley. I couldn’t walk without throwing up, I’m so sorry they had to witness that. We ventured to Ash’s but when Luke’s mom went to pick us up I threw up in her car. I still can’t look her in the eyes, it was so embarrassing. I haven’t consumed alcohol since. But I highly doubt that’s gonna last long. Since that parties I’ve had a few other adventures. Last Friday I went to a party at Gracies. I did 3 caps of molly and started dating her sister. I honestly really dislike Emily she’s so obnoxious and immature but I don’t know how to deal with it so I’m kind of just ignoring it, not my problem. I need to learn to never let Carmen leave me alone at parties, it doesn’t end well. Emily gave me a vile of her blood? I might leave it on Lukes doorstep, that’d be funny. Kira and I have been getting close again recently, that makes me happy. :) we started being friends again after Luke forced us to Nanaimo with him and we went swimming in our underwear. Since that event Kira and I have hung out twice and will probably hangout again soon. I kind of missed her to be honest. Are we still friends as you read this? Are you still friends with Luke? I’ve come to the conclusion that I heavily dislike Lukes existence. He treats me like a convenient ***** and he’s such a ******* narcissistic *****. Every time I hangout with him he makes fun of everything I do, but not in a joking way. He takes **** too far. But I can’t let go of him because a part of me is still attached to him. The way he treats every female in his life disgusts me. He likes this girl, Kahlia. And whenever they’re together they get really touchy and clingy. A few days ago they went to Victoria with Ash and were cuddling in a hotel together. It’s all ash talks about currently. I’m not sure how I feel about it but I don’t really like it. In a way I’m kind of jealous but I don’t want it to be me. I’m unsure how to put it into words. I’ve been dating Cameron Bonnar since June 23rd. His reputation is terrible, I’ve never heard anything good about him. he’s honestly really sweet to me, though. but I’m aware he’s not a good a person. You think I’d back off after I find out about the multiple rape allegations, but no. Our entire relationship is just really bad ***, I feel used but I kind of like it. It gives me a sense of worth. Ash Hallgarth and I have been getting close again recently, in all honesty he’s kind of one of my best friends. I like being around him, he gives me good vibes. Every time I see him it’s always an adventure. Last time I went over we did a photo shoot of him in my bikini. He pulled it off better than I do. Drugs are beginning to scare me more, the thought of doing drugs gives me so much anxiety. but once I peer pressure myself into it I never regret it. Which is scary, I’m afraid I’m going to get addicted. Next month Carmen wants me to go on a bender with her before school starts so we can try everything and then be done with it before September. But I don’t really think it works that way? Plus I’m unsure if I have the money to house that lifestyle, but that’s a later me problem. How’d that end up going? I’m honestly curious to if you’re still alive to read this. The list of drugs is getting rather big. I’m afraid I’m gonna lose friends if I go through with it. I think I might go job searching so I can either commit to the job using it as an excuse to not go through with the bender; or use said job to house my drug problems. We’ll see. A part of me really misses last year when the only thing I cared about was making sure Luke was happy, I miss us. But at the same time I don’t want it back, I just miss the innocence and happiness of it. Life was good. I miss feeling like everything was okay. I’m not sure if the percussions of 2020 have given me mental disorders or not. But Susan won’t let me visit a therapist. I haven’t seen father since last summer and that makes me really sad. We’re not really on talking terms besides the random passive aggressive messages he sends me telling me I should’ve come to Alberta for this summer. I’m kind of glad I didn’t go but I’ll always regret not seeing him, I feel like I don’t have a family but it’s mainly my fault. This is the first time I’ve ever had the chance to experience the full summer experience without being bored, crying in another province about how much I miss home. Unsure if that’s for the better or worse. I hope that whatever you’re dealing with right now, you’re doing okay. I feel like August will be a pretty eventful month. I just want you to know I love you. No matter what’s going on currently, anything bad will pass. Have you decided what you want to do with your future? Are you still moving to Toronto with Carmen? How’s it feel to be back at ADSS? I love you:) happy birthday Nicole. 💕