A letter from Apr 20th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, This is your 16 year old self speaking. You should be 18 or 19 by now I think? You are only two or three years older than me, but you've experienced a lot of things, learned more about yourself, and realized more about the world. I've been going through some things lately. Let me tell you what just happened. I feel like crying and yelling out of frustration and I basically did. My dear mother, she made me do this college counseling session with some old Taiwanese woman. I logged on to zoom, totally not caring at all, then the first thing this counselor does is ask why I took such easy classes this year. And she kept asking me why I didn't choose harder classes next year, why I didn't choose APUSH or AP American Literature. She told me that whatever online class I was planning to take was useless. I could not help but hold back my tears. No, I'll say it, I cried a little and I could not stop. I'm crying as I type this. Do these Taiwanese parents understand that taking like 4-5 APs in one school year is super intense? Do they understand how hard it is? Yeah, she has a point, it's better to take the harder classes than easy classes, that's true. And there's a lot of students doing that. It's just... I'm not smart enough to do that. I can't do that to myself. I barely got through Algebra 2/Trig as a freshman without wanting to **** myself every time I stepped through those class doors knowing there was a test. When I took Alg 2/Trig, thinking I could handle it, everything crashed around me. That feeling of failing almost every test while it seemed like everyone else was getting As and Bs. I never want to experience that again. And those words really hurt me because I was supposed to be that smart kid growing up. I was the gifted child, I was supposed to do great things. As these years pass by, I'm beginning to realize I'm not. I don't think I ever was. And I'm so scared of becoming a failure, not living up to expectations that I have for myself. I feel like everyone's got their eyes on me. I'm literally terrified of failure. I wish I wasn't like this. I want to run away from life and forget about this for a little bit. I wish I knew what my future looked like. I'm still crying as I type this lol. I do not remember the last time I've cried so much. My mother wants me to go to Ivy League schools, though my father's a lot more understanding when it comes to things. My mother thinks I can go to ivy league schools, when I'm literally just aiming for a UC School, that's it. Hell, it doesn't have to be a UC. I'd take a CSU too. I don't care if I don't become a doctor, or a lawyer, or whatever my asian mother wants. I just want to be okay in the future. That would be enough for me. You, college freshman me. You made it through this period of my life. I am proud of you, no matter where you ended up. It's okay if you're in community college right now. It's okay if you still don't know what you want to do. Please take time to remember that it's ok to fall a little. Just gotta get back up. Sometimes it feels like a two step forwards, one step back. Be someone that will make me proud. Remember to rely on God. Everything is in His hands. Write back, will ya?