A letter from February 27th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, i hope you are okay. really okay. happy and healing. things are kinda hard, i don't feel happy and i'm giving up. i feel like something is wrong with me and i don't know what and i will never find out what it is. i'm still waiting for the response about that job... you know what job... you already know if i got in and made my dreams true and have a plan on what to do with my life or if everythings went wrong and you had to find another way to get over it. i want us to be truly happy not worrying about the life my mom chose for herself. or maybe things are better for her... i don't know maybe i won't even read this in a year because sometimes the only way out seems to be not being. but i think i know that i'll read this. i just hope we are finally getting our life together. moving on. being treated for whatever it is that we have. i survived every single day of my life so we can succeed. its also funny how im putting all this expectations over you when i'm not truly doing anything. i think i'll have the reply from the dreamjob this week. if i passed i know everything is gonna be okay. we'll move out. live abroad. have a good salary. help your family. go to therapy again(i miss it!!!!!!!!!). going to different countries every single day. seeing my friends. probably took the vaccine heheh having the hoe phase you DESERVE after that idiot. but if i don't pass it's probably cause i just want the job so i can have fun and run away from everything(i seem to really like doing it). but anyways we will find a way. get into the university again, this time with a degree we actually like (i also need to know what i like). and heal. maybe i need this time to just stop and get to know me again. find out whats going on. fighting for me again. healing. cause the longer i dont, the more i need. i also hope we love ourselves. i have a lot of people i can count with and i dont want to loose them. youre not an impostor and people around are not saints as much as they are not demons. your trauma exists, it doesnt need to be phisical to be real, just like your mom isnt guilty for everything and she didnt know most of what happened. she truly dont and even i dont but i know somethings did or else i wouldnt have all this trauma. what matter is your feeling. anyways... hope we drank all that matcha powder i bought cus **** was EXPENSIVE hope grampa and grandma are fine. simba. mom. adri. never forget who you truly are and who makes you feel like youself.