A letter from February 4th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, Take a deep breath. Know that you've always done what felt right for you in the moment. Try not to fill yourself with what ifs and regrets. You will always get past it, and you'll always learn something. its been months and I'm not past it yet. sounds p ****** hypocritical to me As you can probably tell, and quite frankly probably still remember, I'm having a hard time getting past this part of our life. This past week has been filled with flashbacks, anger, dreams, and heartache, and I don't really know why. I've been listening to new sad songs, I've been crying in the shower, I've been stressing myself out, and I've been creating endless scenarios in my head about what could have been. I honestly thought that when he said that that it would be enough to help me kick it for good. and when I'm distracted working, talking, goofing off with my people, I forget about it. I stop aching, I stop thinking, I stop longing. But as soon as I'm alone in my thoughts, as soon as I think about being productive, it comes flooding back. And this time its sadder than before. It used to just be wondering. But now it feels like I'm actually grieving. And it ******* hurts like a ***** and it won't stop. I know that it will, I know that I will move on. But I guess part of me doesn't want to, and part of me doesn't want to force her to do what she doesn't feel ready to do. But its time. I've made my mistakes, I've hurt over them, and I'm learning. I know that I just need to give myself time, but god **** its so grueling right now. Please tell me its better. Tell me that you're past it. Tell me that its so far in the past that you forgot about it. Tell me that you've found something that feels right. Tell me that you know to love yourself and your future first. Tell me that you've made space in your life for more happiness than you had ever imagined. Tell me that it gets better. I know it does. I look up to you. I'm so excited to be you! I'm so excited to be a part of this world in whatever way you choose. I'm so excited to see the things I don't even know I'm ready and willing to see yet. I'm so excited for YOUR future! I don't really have much else to say, I was sad and needed an outlet. I hope this didn't make you too sad, I hope it showed you what you were able to get yourself out of, and how much opportunity has come your way. As always, I love you so intensely and with so much hope. Live up to your own expectations for your life. Forever you(rs), B