A letter from December 18th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Since december has began every time we do something that what we consider traditional i start to wonder about how i would've missed all this as i thought others was better off without me...OBVIOUSLY i still think like that some days, i still feel as i should just try again because the pain becomes unbearable and what i normal do is just give up because it's the easiest resolution for my problems than i start thinking "normally" along with the fact this would have been my family and friends first christmas without me, how much of a struggle it would have been for my mum to do her yearly christmas photo without me being in it or the fact once we out our christmas tree up too than put on a ball ball on the tree with our names on them to after placing our names on the tree we make a wish, imagining what my family would have wished for this year without me. My professor asked us on the first day of school "who is the person you love most ?" i said myself they than asked why... i continued to say "because i am the only person i can trust...i dont love myself because of my appearance, my intelligence, or the fact i can afford the things i want love isn't just those categories i only love myself because if i allow myself to love another i could end up even more broke than i already" my professor ended up allowing my class to have a debate on what i said we our now at the end of the year me professor asked the question again but i didn't feel the same way that's because i met HIM the one that changed my life for the better he's the one that's keeping me going. To HIM i don't have words but when i get to write about us it's different. i've read hundreds of romantic novels in my life, most claiming that love is what makes you surrender to the universe, this 4 letter word has more depth to it than any other 4 letter word in the english dictionary (besides the word hate) Love is what can heal any damage left inside of us. Love is apparently the one thing that we need to survive, only in old worn out pages have i believed that. until i met him. He pulled me out of my darkness and showed me that whatever our lives are suppose to be made of ours is similar. since meeting him i have been able understand that love completely consumes you without you noticing that this 4 letter word can take over, its takes control over your body making you do the stupidest things. As i know i'm allowing you in i hope that i'm doing the right thing and if it ends up being a bad thing...i'm sorry future self i didn't expect him to hurt us, i thought he was good i believed i had began to trust others again.i know you hate the feeling of being weak up against the people you once would fight for. My i also say to future me i know you love your friends but if you feel as if you have created a connection to someone new next year please just trust your gut and go dont stay with your friends because you'll feel guilty to leave, you can always go back. By next i hope for myself to be confident in myself, that i've been to lose my lockdown weight because well...that has made me really insecure.by next year our metal health will be good well be happy with just being myself.