A letter from November 27th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I wish I could actually talk to you. Sometimes it can be so lonely only having you in your mind. I wish I could pull a second me out of my head and you could comfort me. Have a new perspective. Somehow it would be easier making decisions. I feel like maybe Charlie is not the one, but I want her to be so desperately. I want her to be the one I sit with in an apartment in the evening, talking about our day. Simply the person that I coexist with. That I make big decisions with. That I grow in life with. But I can't tell. I hate the idea of not seeing her again. I want to experience her, at least one more time. It breaks my heart. What do you think now? How do you feel about the situation with her? It's so confusing. I can see when the toxicity comes up, the obsessive thinking, the frustration. It's so exhausting. But I still want to see how it goes with her, is that crazy? God. If only there were clear answers. Well there are, it's just a matter of accepting our own truths, as painful as they may be. We excel at suppressing what we know to be true, we are incredibly bad at being honest with ourselves. I think a part of me knows that Charlie and I will probably not be together again, but I want it. I want to try again, and is that so wrong? Maybe I'm hurting myself. Maybe right now you're heartbroken all over again, on the verge of throwing up because of how much you miss her. Has it been worth it? The pining? The distance? I want to know. I hope you're okay. I love you 8:51pm