A letter from November 17th, 2020

Dear #girlboss #feminist icon #margaret thatcher stan, Hey girly pop College app decisions just came out I think, unless you decided to stop being a cog in the capitalist machine and decided to move to the woods. If you did, good for you, you really are out here living out my dream. I'm listening to Clairo right now, and I am very overwhelmed. School just gets to be so much sometimes; I feel like I'm missing so many deadlines and just am lacking any motivation to finish the school year/keep up my grades. I have an A- in APES rn purely because I do not do work. Also, I just got to finals at NPDI, it hasn't really hit me yet. I think that was a pretty big deal, let me know if you put it on the good old app. Anyways, I am mucho stressed. I am writing to you to remind you to show some respect for your effort level elders, I got u where you are today. never forget that. Just kidding lmao. Here are some college app goals, if I don't meet them pretend this list was ironic, I'm such a comedian haha. 1. Get into at least 1 Ivy. Iss ok if you don't meet this one, rich white boys are annoying anyways. 2. I really want to go to Barnard, pretty lesbians obvi. biggy sad if i don't get in here, but i promise there are pretty lesbians most other places. sigh. sorry my language is cringe :/ 3. Biology major? Idk how major selection works. hopefully you get whatever major you wanted, rn I'm leaning pretty hard for STEM. 4. honestly, if you don't get into a good school, big respect. that means the next 4 years will probs be so much less stress, which is net good for you i think. overall goal, try to be less stressed overall In other news, I feel like I don't have any friends. I think I'm isolating myself, idk if it's quarantine ******* over my social skills or if I'm depressed or something. I kind of feel depressed. I really do be genuinely crying on the daily. Anyways, I have the sneaking suspicion that my friends kind of hate me, and it intensifies anytime I hang out with them in a group. It's kind of like that Frank Ocean tiktok where it's like "this is my part nobody else speak" and everybody is talking over you. It's fine when u hang out with them individually, so maybe u just have social anxiety or something. I really hope u find your people in college. I kind of feel like you're becoming a really big people pleaser bc you don't want to lose friends. Lmao literally in this letter I'm thinking abt whether or not you'll think I'm cringe when you read this. I'm trying to people please myself. Honestly, I'm not writing this letter for you, I'm writing this because this is genuinely a horrible period in my life and I wanted to word vomit on paper. Deadass, I am so so sad. My relationship with my parents has almost completely unraveled, and I just feel so utterly alone. I have no one to talk to about the fact that I'm struggling except for my literal ******* self. Enjoy da rant. oop, now i'm crying. Maybe ur sad about college apps too, which means we can cry together. Again, iss ok if you didn't get into the school u wanted to get into. I left spaces in case u want to write back in the lines to achieve catharsis. General life goals aha 1. dear god pls say you've kissed someone. 2. it's ok if u haven't 3. but like jesus christ you're 17. holy ****, you're 17. imagine being old lmao 4. pls get therapy in college when u can afford it 5. live in a cave in scotland amongst the mountain goats. 6. we love escapism 7. throw ur phone into an incinerator, tiktok is actually taking up obscene amounts of my time. iss ok tho, bc pretty lesbians. in fact, tiktok is the way i found out abt barnard. funny. Best, cathy