A letter from November 2nd, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, I graduated 3 months ago. do you remember this feeling (me being here now)? it is so uncomfortable because I feel so naked and vulnerable. Life is a reflection of your actions and I am taking little. now! I don't want to start negative. I bet you remember too that we made it in 2020! after all the heartache we made it! and now dad sees us from heaven even if it is hard to believe sometimes. we made amazing friends and honestly, I miss it already. By the time you hear this, you will have become almost 24. this is scary! Are you scared that in one year the optimal age for neuroplasticity ends ou are you finally free from these deadly negative thoughts? For now, this is what I want to tell you about (maybe even vent a bit), I can't seem to be able to move forward in life. I keep relapsing into old bad habits like the negative thinking I mentioned above. Was I able (we) to get past this? Did we make any lasting changes? I can't wait to find out. Even in the darkest days now, it is uncommon that I would think of suicide. That is a big sign of improvement. And after deep-diving I realized that what I want to work on next is: conscientiousness, positive emotion, and accomplishment. Mastering these things is really hard! I write you this after having sat down for a deep self-reflection session on my negative thinking: the self-flagellation. In fact, not sending out job applications, bingeing youtube (l7amdekka not as much as before), not replying to friends (also improved) along with self-flagellation are bad habits nourishing each other and letting me die, letting me suffer. And even though it is hard, I vow to keep making the right choices. The thing is, it is getting harder to see that I can change but I know that these are just negative thoughts that will just pass. I heard today about the power of stitching to better thoughts and how that is actually as significant as taking new action so long as that thought leads to the action. this was said by the neuroscientist DR. Andrew Huberman. I do aspire to do what he does, I always wanted to have a deep understanding of the brain. but am I applying this desire? no. if there is one answer I want to know the answer to it is this: why am I not doing what I know that I want to do, what I am supposed to do? the answers I have now are scary : - you are not disciplined enough - you don't actually want it - you are gonna have to compromise on your dreams because you are a loser. I am aware of these thoughts and I know they are not true. It is proven that I can change! I will do better! I am a winner, I just have to fix my wiring. GIRL, DID YOU FIX YOUR WIRING? Ps: how is your relationship with Caren? Hope we are close again. Keep trying.

Epilogue

7 months later

hello dear past self,
I understand your pain. Today is better, even if not by much but 1% better every day/month/year. is much better than nothing.
I an not actually...

If ouy elss od than fsefnrgui heav i say. Kantlluyfh htan i out igfeufrsn nwok obht 2051 taht in lf'sse lses we are. Idmn so as eekp fdwaror wlil in aahwtyp tath oyu geiv a ti. Adn oreuylfs aezriel htat ouy ton hpel lelgeanch rae uyo you pnai ot hpsu ti uory liwl. Gib fro a ti oyu patr srue uoy of of lla si ont but. Eakm ew taknig cna we suth pkee ftyijsu gvomni toprbisleiinsy rome be srugfeinf dan het sa eiafmuglnn ielf. .
.
A dbilu syflem dgoo ym malyfi nda rof nca life fi i.
Omfr dlich eon ro /utamar i if iovad hlae one a nac help. .
On a acn hoem mlsla aetrh i fi enveha my etcare in.
Anc i if wno my nvgoil amilfy dliub aiussblnaet. .
Nac ot if erlocs get dog i.
Adem eimfnngaul kowr ti anc ragceuo fro if difn is on i ot em ahev dna htta eth bakrem. .
.
Hten. . Surifnfeg no ywh fsuco hte.
.
Ainp, lie uoy i ot tsill a is ottnacpsiiorran wn'to. Ncrippgahao y 25 i ma. Oeds free etlsa ym a is to i atth ta evha o wenh (or mrfo of loga srcso be dtcolelonr iacvnoeda dan t)i nile. Stfnesi sono nrtsgita i noryjue yvre ma laos a. Uryneoj ttnniuori a deaalry evah i tsaerdt. Ahtt i oga srcole ym hsnmto rifsnde few ma ot a. Tteerb lefsym bocmee ma em otn nspoatnirciatrg a reosff evne evsnroi it rtvpoey, eovl dianmnedg thaw ni a it so fo nnlgacelgih em adn wya fo fi to ahtt dan si i si i a ctultllaeyinel tou obj sopt of. .
Ymelfs aech gaucetdni oprcess lnpa nad evyr on for onos ophylscoyg the i for it fo sngatrti tlisl. .
Dstugis fo mo,mnet the snugrlgigt dna biiyrtitrali hwit shemntoig esta am enw: ofmr eloanbn eth at i. A new so onmirtaimgi si aclenlhge. .
Ehon ertteb htis is sa eb to an my prtinuootyp i,s dan lfpuani ti hreccaart sa to enarl. Ylpmis odt,'n fi mkea i otn it bceseau i ilwl. .
Btu we ear epsst tno tngiak syae it si. .
Llryea bceuase redssie to i eth my yashrhl srltgueg yvre icalrtupyrla eb i tnac knwedsee with dniog rea lmfeys uslnes rahd wno tge nathgyni. To i evil ma ma dtiexec i no htta rogwkin tuuefr ni a. Res)iae it rof hsaibt ot (nto rhewe ilcysrnesea a tfeuur solga me is ipssoelb ccomasplih adn. .
Tibah rfo i epengki onw glo a ma. .
Rmfo tnaeohr nda of nda oen nisigihfn i indgrea spage koob apimdeolchcs ehtrnoa peags 60 002. My raininzgoaot ma bda raeaw mero fo thme ehgnca ynrtgi ot htbsai i sdan. .
See i bda adys no ap,cel if era terbte evne taht llyswo ivnmgo 'tcna aosdrtw snhgti a. .
Gog!in u kpee bda kgnmia os ese a oyu aer hnwe hcceoi. Ot imte teka ganhec tyr rof you hatt ghrti emor ot tneo is nda hte yuo fo eseccsilba it ktae iohcec spot so atverweh tnxe adn syae nca. .
Ltils fo a acsisepm mleprob dna obuvoytmu/seie rae syaw orthe. Yawa dna defa lwil it suiiclda on eiasd yuo fi fdead ethy kowr elki s-eamlrhf ustj velleaynut. Ertffo to tkoo ythe etmi aawy og and. Ti earc temi and yuo n'dto koto obuta ew nw,o do how mhuc bemeer?rm. Ew eeciorj we catf ntwa ni hte omeanry to ahtt dei 'ntdo. Liwl os abd pepanh eams to stibah het caahlnl rhtoe. .

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments