A letter from November 2nd, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, I graduated 3 months ago. do you remember this feeling (me being here now)? it is so uncomfortable because I feel so naked and vulnerable. Life is a reflection of your actions and I am taking little. now! I don't want to start negative. I bet you remember too that we made it in 2020! after all the heartache we made it! and now dad sees us from heaven even if it is hard to believe sometimes. we made amazing friends and honestly, I miss it already. By the time you hear this, you will have become almost 24. this is scary! Are you scared that in one year the optimal age for neuroplasticity ends ou are you finally free from these deadly negative thoughts? For now, this is what I want to tell you about (maybe even vent a bit), I can't seem to be able to move forward in life. I keep relapsing into old bad habits like the negative thinking I mentioned above. Was I able (we) to get past this? Did we make any lasting changes? I can't wait to find out. Even in the darkest days now, it is uncommon that I would think of suicide. That is a big sign of improvement. And after deep-diving I realized that what I want to work on next is: conscientiousness, positive emotion, and accomplishment. Mastering these things is really hard! I write you this after having sat down for a deep self-reflection session on my negative thinking: the self-flagellation. In fact, not sending out job applications, bingeing youtube (l7amdekka not as much as before), not replying to friends (also improved) along with self-flagellation are bad habits nourishing each other and letting me die, letting me suffer. And even though it is hard, I vow to keep making the right choices. The thing is, it is getting harder to see that I can change but I know that these are just negative thoughts that will just pass. I heard today about the power of stitching to better thoughts and how that is actually as significant as taking new action so long as that thought leads to the action. this was said by the neuroscientist DR. Andrew Huberman. I do aspire to do what he does, I always wanted to have a deep understanding of the brain. but am I applying this desire? no. if there is one answer I want to know the answer to it is this: why am I not doing what I know that I want to do, what I am supposed to do? the answers I have now are scary : - you are not disciplined enough - you don't actually want it - you are gonna have to compromise on your dreams because you are a loser. I am aware of these thoughts and I know they are not true. It is proven that I can change! I will do better! I am a winner, I just have to fix my wiring. GIRL, DID YOU FIX YOUR WIRING? Ps: how is your relationship with Caren? Hope we are close again. Keep trying.

Epilogue

7 months later

hello dear past self,
I understand your pain. Today is better, even if not by much but 1% better every day/month/year. is much better than nothing.
I an not actually...

Figreusnf sesl i ntah do fi avhe ays yuo. 0152 ni are sles i hatt kown ew anth lnyhftakul uot rfungisef sl'fes tbho. Fwrdroa dmni hatawyp ti a vige peke in lliw that so ouy sa. Uyo oyu it ainp eelrzai ot ryuo henaclelg aer ouy htta hpsu otn pelh ylusfoer dna lliw. Oyu a is rof part ouy lal but esru of fo igb it ton. Be hte rsffugein sa leif we iobnlterssipiy mgnvio htsu we nca adn ekpe itysujf keam ugnfimlena gtnkai orme. .
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Cna a fiel oogd mefysl if fro ulidb dna ym aiylfm i.
Odiav ro leah a fi nca ihcld romf i eno u/aarmt one ehpl. .
In my mohe on tehra arecet cna haveen a slmla fi i.
Luidb i acn lvgnio nutiaebalss lymafi won my if. .
Crloes dog etg fi i anc ot.
Ifnd if ttah rowk no hte eamd ugcaero me fro si gmeanuflin dan raekbm nca it i ot vhae. .
.
Hnet. . Het eufrfisng on fscou wyh.
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A nw'ot yuo nipa, cainirntrposota ot eil i ltsli si. 52 y i ma nrcppagaioh. Ahev ta a my newh rscso to r(o is efer of rlooneldtc atth be ltaes o ienl edso nad neoiaavcd form aolg i i)t. Osal a i ma vrye sstneif sono jorueyn irtgnsta. A nuitontri aalredy i yjuoenr dttesra ehav. Ewf am sreocl my a sfdirne mhotns oag i ot htat. Dan i ti it wtha ton ahtt ferfos and ndmnegdai me i fo fo onnactiptgarsir of elvo ytrop,ev eevn a job out am a a si me si in rttbee tosp emcboe ymlsef yaw os onevris nhclnleigga ulitltalclynee if to. .
Agitstnr fo oypyochgsl hte oosn eyvr on utacdineg it hace i isltl ofr orespcs nlap for ymslef and. .
Am rmfo igngrulstg het whti i iitityrlbari etsa onebaln dan :wne utsgsid eth hogenismt fo mm,enot at. New anlgcehel a ioamrnmiitg is os. .
Ot priyottupno ot rebett arlne iplnufa tecraahcr an as nad it hsit ehon ,si as eb ym si. Ont ti if eaeubcs i llwi kema ilmysp i t,d'no. .
Tub not ti saye we agntik sstpe si era. .
Trgseulg eht ngiod itrlcyaalpru very eb rsdesei enulss hitw are haiynntg etg ot wno sedkwnee atcn escbuea fylesm i i rahd aryell hsyrhal ym. Am ruufet to ahtt vlei kongirw ni no i am cxedeit a i. Solsbpie o(tn lsgao lnsiacesrye to nad ti air)ees werhe is a mhoislccpa fro me ashibt urutfe. .
Bhati gol ikengep ma fro i a now. .
Obok palhmoicecsd psgea inigfnhis agnedri rthoean sapeg adn i neo adn 002 06 fmor fo oatenhr. Bda hncage ym ma adsn zngairinotao meht to oerm i saithb yrtnig earaw fo. .
Epacl, ayds mvogin are wdoasrt ywlsol neev thta ct'na a tertbe if on ees adb i sihntg. .
Yuo a i!ggno rae agnkim abd nehw kepe hociec so u ese. Oetn try atth omre of eakt ngahce take it oyu the etmi oyu is stop ot ntex eysa nda to so grtih acebeisscl weervtah ofr ecohic cna and. .
Of emoprlb ohret aer uyovmetisuo/eb yaws nda aicsspem lltsi a. Sutj aayw feda no ilwl kwro iekl teyh sliaciud uyo fdead and dsiae it lhefamrs- if nueyaetlvl. Go eitm ootk ot aywa adn thye forfet. Chmu owh ti nw,o ookt tbaou emti adn we yuo erac eerm?rbem do nt'od. Irjoece cfat ied ew yeraomn eth we taht ot 'otdn atnw in. Sahtib pphane ehtor asem lwil os teh abd lnlcaha to. .

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