A letter from November 2nd, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, I graduated 3 months ago. do you remember this feeling (me being here now)? it is so uncomfortable because I feel so naked and vulnerable. Life is a reflection of your actions and I am taking little. now! I don't want to start negative. I bet you remember too that we made it in 2020! after all the heartache we made it! and now dad sees us from heaven even if it is hard to believe sometimes. we made amazing friends and honestly, I miss it already. By the time you hear this, you will have become almost 24. this is scary! Are you scared that in one year the optimal age for neuroplasticity ends ou are you finally free from these deadly negative thoughts? For now, this is what I want to tell you about (maybe even vent a bit), I can't seem to be able to move forward in life. I keep relapsing into old bad habits like the negative thinking I mentioned above. Was I able (we) to get past this? Did we make any lasting changes? I can't wait to find out. Even in the darkest days now, it is uncommon that I would think of suicide. That is a big sign of improvement. And after deep-diving I realized that what I want to work on next is: conscientiousness, positive emotion, and accomplishment. Mastering these things is really hard! I write you this after having sat down for a deep self-reflection session on my negative thinking: the self-flagellation. In fact, not sending out job applications, bingeing youtube (l7amdekka not as much as before), not replying to friends (also improved) along with self-flagellation are bad habits nourishing each other and letting me die, letting me suffer. And even though it is hard, I vow to keep making the right choices. The thing is, it is getting harder to see that I can change but I know that these are just negative thoughts that will just pass. I heard today about the power of stitching to better thoughts and how that is actually as significant as taking new action so long as that thought leads to the action. this was said by the neuroscientist DR. Andrew Huberman. I do aspire to do what he does, I always wanted to have a deep understanding of the brain. but am I applying this desire? no. if there is one answer I want to know the answer to it is this: why am I not doing what I know that I want to do, what I am supposed to do? the answers I have now are scary : - you are not disciplined enough - you don't actually want it - you are gonna have to compromise on your dreams because you are a loser. I am aware of these thoughts and I know they are not true. It is proven that I can change! I will do better! I am a winner, I just have to fix my wiring. GIRL, DID YOU FIX YOUR WIRING? Ps: how is your relationship with Caren? Hope we are close again. Keep trying.

Epilogue

7 months later

hello dear past self,
I understand your pain. Today is better, even if not by much but 1% better every day/month/year. is much better than nothing.
I an not actually...

If ssle anht i ouy hvae od yas nuigfefsr. Ni knlftlahyu fiungrsfe ttha nwok we i fs'sel tuo essl 0512 thbo athn rae. A mdni hwpayat ni yuo as iveg ti os ekep ttha fdroarw liwl. That spuh it uoy ouy lhpe lhcaglnee ear dna ont sryluoef uyo ainp ot lwli erzeial ryou. Of ti btu rapt yuo sreu si tno a gib yuo lal ofr of. Acn sa epek keam ntaigk ew eth be suht unimfgealn fuiytjs and ryplnbsiisotei invmog uerfgnsfi we reom lfei. .
.
I good for ym cna budil dan lief emyfsl a lyiamf if.
I maa/utr a pelh aelh eno vodai or nca one mrfo icdhl if. .
A lsmla ym aetrec ahenev if anc thare i ni omeh on.
Bidul if my won lgniov snbalesutia mafyil cna i. .
Ot nac i rsloec fi get dog.
I ti atth si fi acn hte fro ocauegr ot edma me fidn nad kmbrae nniaumfegl ehva on krwo. .
.
Nhte. . Esgrfufni the hwy no cuofs.
.
Aoanrpricniostt lei i ot pa,ni uoy itsll a si won't. Y 25 i ma phagiorcapn. Fo ym vahe salet i cssor agol wehn efer a thta t)i to morf enaaiodcv o nlei adn eb is ta deso dlcroelont o(r. I a oosn rvey salo am fesnsit itarngst rujnyoe. Tunoirnit yojruen adyerla a i vahe edtsrat. I ma efw a rcsoel dsfnrie that ohnmst gao to ym. Am ti atth a ilehgnglnac si even a of wtha otn noaarsgiictrptn ,ryeotpv ti me vole obj vrnseio eysflm opst frsoef tou me i nad in i awy si adgdemnin to so mobcee of retetb nda of ylcuettlneilla fi a. .
Rfo tuinadgec i slilt satirgtn yslgcpoohy dna ehac for pcsesor yflsme noso teh ervy it npal on of. .
Rgutlgngis i and nmot,em twih am het imsthngeo tiabirrlityi udsitsg ta of omfr :ewn olanben east the. Gnairimmoit os a is alchleegn new. .
My to tretbe sa enrla eb ilpfnua adn ti sa nhoe an is ppnurtotyio shti ot hrectaarc is,. If lwil pismyl dno,'t aekm ont i ti i baeecus. .
Are tub tno ti si atngik estsp ew yase. .
Eubcase rea paauryirtlcl tcna eglgrust iwth lseyfm my skeeednw ylearl i i susnle be wno ngiod rdha het egt rlyhhas sridsee to tngyanhi eyrv. No uutref ni that ixeetcd ginrkwo to a i ma eivl ma i. Nt(o is and ralcynesise urfetu a itbash orf eisera) pessolbi ti ot ehwre me salmhoicpc lsgoa. .
Tbiha am a ofr i won kgienep ogl. .
60 fo agspe nraohte cmdhalospcie nhisgfiin rmfo dna obok neo i dna ehoatnr 200 gpesa ginedar. To am thme rmoe iyrtng adb i achnge nasd aignoornaitz of eawra isthab ym. .
L,ceap a todwras atth oylswl ese trbeet dyas evne tnishg on ogminv natc' i ear adb if. .
So u dab uyo enhw mgkina aer kepe ese ciceoh ngo!ig a. Ghneca dna nad atth so aket hweervta anc sopt is tmie oetn ekat omer eccioh ti rghti ofr hte xten ot of ot you alscebeisc rty ysea uyo. .
Rea adn lslti a of scmsaipe ways oeimst/vyuoueb toerh omerplb. Dna rha-flsme oyu if efdda edfa hyet aiulsidc no it iedas kwor utjs kile eylavulten will awya. Ot yawa eimt go dna fetrfo ootk heyt. Eemrmr?be onw, hwo koto utaob ouy od nda hucm ew raec ntd'o temi it. Eamroyn we eid the cfta in wtna ojreeci htat ot tn'do we. Bda os teh ehort ot alahlnc iatshb aesm pehnap illw. .

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