A letter from November 2nd, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, I graduated 3 months ago. do you remember this feeling (me being here now)? it is so uncomfortable because I feel so naked and vulnerable. Life is a reflection of your actions and I am taking little. now! I don't want to start negative. I bet you remember too that we made it in 2020! after all the heartache we made it! and now dad sees us from heaven even if it is hard to believe sometimes. we made amazing friends and honestly, I miss it already. By the time you hear this, you will have become almost 24. this is scary! Are you scared that in one year the optimal age for neuroplasticity ends ou are you finally free from these deadly negative thoughts? For now, this is what I want to tell you about (maybe even vent a bit), I can't seem to be able to move forward in life. I keep relapsing into old bad habits like the negative thinking I mentioned above. Was I able (we) to get past this? Did we make any lasting changes? I can't wait to find out. Even in the darkest days now, it is uncommon that I would think of suicide. That is a big sign of improvement. And after deep-diving I realized that what I want to work on next is: conscientiousness, positive emotion, and accomplishment. Mastering these things is really hard! I write you this after having sat down for a deep self-reflection session on my negative thinking: the self-flagellation. In fact, not sending out job applications, bingeing youtube (l7amdekka not as much as before), not replying to friends (also improved) along with self-flagellation are bad habits nourishing each other and letting me die, letting me suffer. And even though it is hard, I vow to keep making the right choices. The thing is, it is getting harder to see that I can change but I know that these are just negative thoughts that will just pass. I heard today about the power of stitching to better thoughts and how that is actually as significant as taking new action so long as that thought leads to the action. this was said by the neuroscientist DR. Andrew Huberman. I do aspire to do what he does, I always wanted to have a deep understanding of the brain. but am I applying this desire? no. if there is one answer I want to know the answer to it is this: why am I not doing what I know that I want to do, what I am supposed to do? the answers I have now are scary : - you are not disciplined enough - you don't actually want it - you are gonna have to compromise on your dreams because you are a loser. I am aware of these thoughts and I know they are not true. It is proven that I can change! I will do better! I am a winner, I just have to fix my wiring. GIRL, DID YOU FIX YOUR WIRING? Ps: how is your relationship with Caren? Hope we are close again. Keep trying.

Epilogue

7 months later

hello dear past self,
I understand your pain. Today is better, even if not by much but 1% better every day/month/year. is much better than nothing.
I an not actually...

Asy nhat fi evha do you i uefnrifsg lses. Less kwno tuo hatn ew 1250 thta tlfknluayh risfnfeug boht aer in i 'lesfs. Sa it ndim ypawath illw igev wdfraro ouy ttah peek os ni a. Ti lnleecgah atht oyserflu ouy uoy ephl to aer llwi uoy zraeeli otn ainp phus nda your. Not seru fo lla rfo it is rtap a igb you of yuo utb. Ew nad anc onivgm ekep uths sa kmea be syjuift eth gufinsref ifel roem nfminlaegu ew lpbsosertiniiy atingk. .
.
Ogdo my filyma for dan if ilfe i a can emyslf budli.
Hcdil elah lpeh a neo acn rtamua/ ro mrof one fi i vaodi. .
A ni treha eatcre nca ym hmeo no if slmal i eahvne.
Anc my fliyma fi udlbi i wno ivnlog naesisalutb. .
Fi nac dog etg csreol i ot.
I on to wkro caegoru dmae ti hte adn ifnd em can veah is rof numfealign amrekb if htat. .
.
Tneh. . No why frefgisnu osucf the.
.
I uyo itsll to is eil a p,ani niirtoscaotanrp wot'n. Ma pncpihoagra y i 25. Is ttah a ta o frmo teldocnlro eb ym niel o(r ot erfe vhea cossr avinceaod ehnw i nad )ti goal of osde sleta. Evyr am oson i isngrtta asol nourejy ssntefi a. Vahe ttiinnoru a derlaya eoyjnru i srdatte. Redsnfi thta tmhosn ma my a ot few i oga esrcol. A dna i ti reebtt pvryo,et emeobc si otn fo lsymfe boj dna i lnaihlggenc to egandndmi ti lvoe sofref ahwt me uto if a lieltyncutaell me opst wya fo a gnsroiatincptar rvseoni htta os ma ni of si neev. .
Selymf alpn soocgyyhpl noos it i vyer pcsreos gutacnedi fro ofr hace no of adn ltisl het tatgnrsi. .
Ugtsids of adn tsurnggilg aste fmor ma ithw :enw alrbiirtiity nboelan i gnohtsiem eht etn,mom at eht. A enw nlechlgea si os mtmariniiog. .
Be etbetr ot anpfilu ot tish is sa it erraacthc oyprnuiottp an ym dan is, as onhe nlrae. Ilwl bueeacs emak if it i i otn ,dn'to silymp. .
Btu otn is ayes are we ti akntgi tpses. .
Aerlyl catn hlhsary ekndewes ym riessde hitw euslns the yrve be eylfsm aer usrlegtg i ueescab ot ucllapryitra onw get i tiaghnny rhad ndigo. Tfrueu a am in on xcdeite ma i htat ievl to i nigowkr. Olhpccimas is a oslebips me ehwre rof nad ertuuf rieas)e yseaciserln gosla it ot ashtbi (otn. .
A now glo iegkpne hiabt i ma for. .
Gspea 60 iinsignfh rmof cemplaoidchs kobo gaspe ohtanre 020 noe dna fo retoanh i eriagdn dan. Sdna oigtziornaan ym of am reaaw i hencag eorm to tngyri bda tbasih etmh. .
Lwyslo erebtt are a lapec, i fi nat'c vene adb on hatt sadwotr omivng ese tshgni days. .
Ees os aigknm hnew aer ehcoci u dba ekpe yuo !noigg a. Ihgrt uyo ttha caielsecbs os teim hcoiec fo ouy esay stop teon dan to it acn teh tyr to tkea etevrahw ekat orf etxn hengac nda moer si. .
Mploerb pmesacis a of reoth still aer dan awys uiu/obevstmeyo. Htye aayw iedsa and elik illw hefrs-aml no uyo ti if dafe nulyetelav fdaed owrk stju csiuldai. Fefort to waya yteh og koot etmi adn. It o,wn od erbemm?re nda okot umch rcea uyo ew 'dton time owh tabuo. We ied ot'nd ni cfat iejroec atwn ttah omyaern teh to we. Napphe os to ahclnal oreht histba lilw bad eht seam. .

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