A letter from November 2nd, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, I graduated 3 months ago. do you remember this feeling (me being here now)? it is so uncomfortable because I feel so naked and vulnerable. Life is a reflection of your actions and I am taking little. now! I don't want to start negative. I bet you remember too that we made it in 2020! after all the heartache we made it! and now dad sees us from heaven even if it is hard to believe sometimes. we made amazing friends and honestly, I miss it already. By the time you hear this, you will have become almost 24. this is scary! Are you scared that in one year the optimal age for neuroplasticity ends ou are you finally free from these deadly negative thoughts? For now, this is what I want to tell you about (maybe even vent a bit), I can't seem to be able to move forward in life. I keep relapsing into old bad habits like the negative thinking I mentioned above. Was I able (we) to get past this? Did we make any lasting changes? I can't wait to find out. Even in the darkest days now, it is uncommon that I would think of suicide. That is a big sign of improvement. And after deep-diving I realized that what I want to work on next is: conscientiousness, positive emotion, and accomplishment. Mastering these things is really hard! I write you this after having sat down for a deep self-reflection session on my negative thinking: the self-flagellation. In fact, not sending out job applications, bingeing youtube (l7amdekka not as much as before), not replying to friends (also improved) along with self-flagellation are bad habits nourishing each other and letting me die, letting me suffer. And even though it is hard, I vow to keep making the right choices. The thing is, it is getting harder to see that I can change but I know that these are just negative thoughts that will just pass. I heard today about the power of stitching to better thoughts and how that is actually as significant as taking new action so long as that thought leads to the action. this was said by the neuroscientist DR. Andrew Huberman. I do aspire to do what he does, I always wanted to have a deep understanding of the brain. but am I applying this desire? no. if there is one answer I want to know the answer to it is this: why am I not doing what I know that I want to do, what I am supposed to do? the answers I have now are scary : - you are not disciplined enough - you don't actually want it - you are gonna have to compromise on your dreams because you are a loser. I am aware of these thoughts and I know they are not true. It is proven that I can change! I will do better! I am a winner, I just have to fix my wiring. GIRL, DID YOU FIX YOUR WIRING? Ps: how is your relationship with Caren? Hope we are close again. Keep trying.

Epilogue

7 months later

hello dear past self,
I understand your pain. Today is better, even if not by much but 1% better every day/month/year. is much better than nothing.
I an not actually...

Say i vaeh uoy od if esignufrf htan esls. I snuieffgr we ni are know thbo tou selfs' nhat slse ftlauhyknl 2501 that. Ti as kepe atht ofrdraw a lilw nidm eigv apatyhw oyu ni so. To thta llwi not lgcneehal eyflsoru uroy uoy oyu usph pina uoy lhep it elaezri nda aer. You ures arpt you all tbu ti a si of of orf big nto. Faneingulm as vngiom reom usth we acn lief kmea be kepe rufsngief dan the nagitk lpsbtyeiirsnoi stujyif ew. .
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I if my ldibu good eilf for selmfy aflyim cna dan a.
I cna ro ofrm lhae amrtu/a eon iavod noe a fi hpel dhilc. .
On ni anc eathr ym lalsm evneha i if recate a heom.
Bildu fi vgioln i my usneitsaabl own amyilf can. .
If nac get i loercs dog to.
Ot no ndfi si for if and ahtt it em uocgrea vahe acn dame remkab hte owkr inulmfeagn i. .
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Nhte. . Csfuo hwy on efgsrfiun eht.
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Ot si n'wto nintctoiraprsoa a lie lltis pni,a i uoy. Aopngrpachi y 52 am i. I tecoldonlr is o morf o(r sorsc eb htat ot aslte hvae algo a adn niel my ndaceviao free i)t wneh fo sode ta. Sigattnr oosn a tnssfie am laos ynujore i very. Untniiort ahve uojnyre aydarle a i atesrdt. Ot htat am gao nsmtoh a wfe rcoels ym i fsreidn. Ngchalnlieg wtah ealtliltcnyelu negniadmd ni if nad a is fo retteb to of am ttha ti olve a fo i so ont si me stop me ayw eobecm ti enve a eslfym oniersv ryept,vo adn esfofr i otu triaoargtipnnsc obj. .
Osercsp rof it felyms of heca i nad eht yspyocghol osno gciunadet orf plan tllsi on irtngast eyrv. .
Rofm sgditsu eht ligrutngsg ta ma aets nda i sgoehmitn wne: onnaleb het ,emomnt htwi lirirtiiaytb fo. Os a elclagnhe ewn nogtamimrii is. .
Alenr atcrharec eohn as to ti ertebt and eb an onopputtryi as fupilan ot is stih my ,si. Illw d,ot'n i not ismply acbeseu if it i keam. .
Si aer kitagn nto tub we stsep ayes ti. .
Lhhasry ot gaithnny nogdi i be erayll uicaalyrlrtp tcan drha hiwt wekndsee ssenlu uceaebs fmyels gte i revy eht sutlgegr nwo sdserie ym ear. Cexidet ielv nwogikr a htta to ma ni i uferut i am on. Me (ton is sbitha ot esr)iae sagol rhewe it for nda srelnasceyi eutruf a pbielsos cposmialhc. .
A ihbta rof ma i wno lgo epgikne. .
Oheaspcdilcm 60 romf kobo toahren eon 200 oarehnt of nda ginnfhsii segap sgpea idangre nda i. Abd ehacgn i to my ma htem waaer of orem yngrti sand nazgrotioain shbtai. .
Dab on dsay 'actn lac,pe gthsin see migovn ahtt ebtret a if enev dwtraso loylws i rea. .
You so ese u abd a ong!gi rae enhw keep cihceo iamkng. Ryt xent opts fro vrwehate can het si hrtgi yase of to uyo etno ceabseicsl ot take ti so chieco achneg atek nad nda taht rmoe eitm uyo. .
Rpeboml trohe are and a apcmeiss aysw tilsl of seoubomie/uvty. Lwli cislduai nyeeaulvtl awya liek eafdd aiesd no it dan -hasflmre defa ouy juts rwok fi tyhe. Ietm otko tehy and to go aayw frefto. Hmcu ,now ubtoa m?reermbe n'tdo reca imet nad took it hwo oyu ew od. Atht eid we earymno ew ot dt'no oejecri anwt in het acft. Hsbati adb eht hnaclal wlli to os smae htoer ephanp. .

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