A letter from October 31st, 2020

Dear future me. I hope you’re doing for fine out there. Congratulations! You’ve reached it to this point, if you’re reading this. You are so strong. I’m proud of you. Right now you don’t really feel like yourself. You want to change a dang lot of things in your life *dysphoria*. You want to change your name, your body, ect. You have been thinking about top surgery a lot; you hate what your chest looks like. You do think that you will probably regret getting top surgery, if you will get it. Gender identity is something you are really struggling with. You feel like you are not a woman, but you feel like other people can’t see you as something else. You have been learning a lot about different genders. The three things that really have been stuck in your head for quite some time are genderfae, genderflux and just nonbinary. Right now you are using she/her pronouns. You really dislike them though. Using they/them pronouns would make accepting yourself way better. The only one who kind of knows what’s going on is Sanna. You’re very grateful for her, but you don’t always know how to show it. This makes you feel bad. Questioning your gender takes a lot of energy and brain capacity. Almost every day after school you feel like trash. You mostly just go to your room, lay in bed and scroll on social media. Social media really sucks in some ways. In other ways, it feels really good to just have an outlet for your thoughts and feelings when you don’t want to bomb people in real life with your problems and worries. Partly by social media, you are struggling with jealousy. When someone has something that you don’t have / want to have, you get very jealous for no good reason. You get super jealous when you’re not part of something, like a party, but also just a simple conversation. You hate that you feel this way. One thing i’m really proud of is that we made a new friend, Ronja. She’s a lesbian too and you enjoy spending time with her. A couple of weeks ago you hung out with her in a park. You jammed to girl in red songs. It was nice. Sanna is (thankfully) still your best friend. You love her/them vvvvv much :) I feel like you’d do anything for them rn. They are literally the first person you think of and text when you wake up or when you go to sleep. I don’t think we could live without them. You also do not know if you are in love with them or not; you’re very ******* confused. I hope you have shown Sanna that you are really dang thankful they’re here for you. You’ve been more close with Merel these days. Since you knew she wasn’t straight you have started to like her company more. This is also because Sarah isn’t around her anymore. Right now you feel more comfortable with saying things you really mean, and you make way more jokes. After an argument with Sarah about blm and that kind of jazz, Sarah doesn’t talk to you anymore. She’s hanging out with the other girls in class. You don’t really mind it though. You know it’s not your fault and you feel way better than before. You are making a ton of music right now. You love playing saxophone. You have sheet music for einaudi pieces and absolutely adore them. The music is so calming to play and it really comforts you. You also still play ukulele. You have two sopranos, but you wish you had a baritone uke. You also attempt to play guitar a lot. You can play it for hours and hours. Once in a while you play a bit of piano. You aren’t good at that, but you are improving! Some artists you really like are Dodie Sit Chloe Ashe The Beatles Cavetown Tessa Violet Hozier Chloe Morindo Conan Gray Finneas girl in red Haim Billie Eilish Mxmtoon Orla Gartland Clairo Yungblud Sasha Sloan Coldplay Paramore and a lot more ppl :) To come back on the gender / ********* thing: You identify with -lesbian -greysexual -demisexual -nonbinary (umbrella term) Did you come out to mom and dad? And other people? If you did, i’m so proud of you. If you didn’t, that’s fine too! Do whatever you feel comfortable with. I hope, when you receive this letter, you will be doing better than you are doing now. Make me proud, please. I believe in you. I’m not saying things are going to get better; no one knows and that’s completely fine. I just want to let you know that you are definitely not alone and there are people who will love and accept you for who you are. I love you. Yours sincerely, you