A letter from August 27th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, is today a good day or bad day. im hoping for a good day. I think today is the right day of thinking of im not gonna further elaborate. college starts in less than a week and I am nervous and wish I was in a dorm. I hope they released new info about it. I don't think me being home for my first semester of college is good for my mental health. I know its a lot safer and cheaper and its what most colleges are going to do but I still don't like it. Ive been focusing a lot on my mental health recently because I feel like that's a topic that I always overlook. i just want to be happy. I convince myself im happy 24/7 but I don't really feel that way. its kind of hard to be happy when the time u always envisioned as the best 4 years of your life is already being spent in your childhood bedroom and watching all your friends have the best times of their life. obviously im happy for them and wish the best for them but I wish it was me. but I don't want to ever become a risk for myself to get sick or even worse my family. I don't want to be a burden on them but I always feel like I am. the last letter I wrote myself was a lot nicer but I feel as if this one is just more real and honest. I've been getting really into writing letters, but I mainly send them over email to myself or others instead cause its easier. I miss my friends a lot. hopefully u get to see them soon :) hopefully u get to make more new friends at college too. I think that would be really nice. holy shit can the song heather stop fucking coming on every time it comes on I cry. that's so off topic but it just came on. all it does it make me feel just not special or unique and mainly just average or even below average. this is a lot to unpack right now but who am I kidding im sending this to myself u know all this. whenever the song comes on it just reminds me that every guy I've ever been with (in some capacity more than just a hu) has always ended things with me because he finds a heather and, I just wish I could be one. not because heather is pretty, but because everyone likes her too. but to make everyone like me the first person I need to make like me is myself. if this current "relationship" (idk if I can even call it a relationship anymore but I want to be able to) ends because of that I don't know if im going to be able to handle it. best and healthiest and happiest relationship I've been in and ik its obviously going to come to an end soon and I don't like thinking about it but I know it is. that's why I asked if today is a good day or bad day. either a good day because you'll be happy with what today is or you're going to be sad I just reminded you of what it is. im sorry that this has been really pessimistic. hopefully the one I write on November 20th is a lot nicer and happier. I think it will be. you got this.