A letter from August 3rd, 2020

Dear Loreen... Idk when you are going to receive this, but I hope that YOU are the one reading it. .... It's exhausting. I'm so tired. I don't even know, what questions to ask anymore. Head e m p t y. That's the funny part. I can't even tell you what the problem is. When it started. Or should I say, where it all went wrong? What happened, that I ended up here? In my dark bedroom at exactly 1 am, looking out the opened window, writing a letter to myself, because i have no one else to talk to. And this is kinda a motivation for me. Why, you may ask yourself? Well... a motivation to stay here. Why can't i just enjoy my fucking life? Other people have it so much worse than me. People ate literally jealous of me. And I have the honor, to be me. And I mess everything up. I feel so bad. Right now, I do all the things, mentally healthy people do: workout, ride their bike, going on adventures in nature, drawing, singing, listening to music, sleeping, EATING, cooking, meeting with friends etc... but why am I not happy then? What even is happiness?? During the day, its really easy to distract yourself from all the bad thoughts (most of the time). But at night, is where it all hits you. Where reality hits you in the face so hard, that you stomach and head start to hurt. Am I even depressed? Do I actually have/ had anorexia? Am I struggling with alexithymia? Will I ever have the balls to tell somebody what's actually going on in my head? Ok ok... I know you have no idea what's happening right now, but let me explain it to you real quick. Have you ever played 6 songs at once? This is how my head feels. So many voices, memories, pictures, feelings. I just want to get up and scream on top of my lungs for it to stop. God if I at least had a valid reason for my feelings. I am happy right??? I HAVE NO IDEA. and its BOTHERING me. And its so unbelievable FRUSTRATING. I don't want attention, but I start to think, that I should get help. Oh if only I was able to trust people and open up. Nah. I'm just so tired of being a teenager. And I'm only 15. There are a lot more years to come. I hate it here. Billie Eilish's new song, 'my future' just got released, and what can I say... I relate to the exact opposite of this song. Let's just say, I am not thrilled for my future. Literally. What am I going to do??? Study for my graduation? And after that study for seven more years for my graduation from college??? And all of this while feeling how I'm feeling right now? No❤ I don't want this. Seriously. People ate begging for me to stay, but never say why. They say, I'm not alone, but who is with me? I don't have a single relationship, that is deeper than all the information you get from me on Instagram. And this has been going on for 💖years💖. I am deeply lonely. I realized that on vacation with t and j. Aka the disaster of a vacation (for me). I am very lonely. Yet, I just CAN'T BE SOCIAL AND SHOW AFFECTION. My parents love language is 💖physical touch💖. Oh my God. This word is like a fork scratching of a plate type of noise in my ears❤ I hate it, yet rejecting it, without any explanation is VERY rude. A true asshole move. I catch more and more often myself wishing to live alone. I just can't love my dad. I hate everything about him. And I feel awful for that. It's just... the way, he speaks, eats, moves, laughs, just everything... at least he had to work the last week, which keeps him from drinking. Ugh I hate some men.... how could I ever love anyone??? I ruin everything for myself. I hate myself. And I wished, I could harm myself. But I cant. People would notice. I don't want attention. But before I go... Before I leave this place physically... I want to experience love at least once... so... did you fall in love? I bet it was awful. Because you have to many mental illnesses ❤ and major 💖trust issues💖 see? Theres not a single reason to be excited for my future. I just don't see it anymore. I don't want to work later in life. I just don't want to live. And it's summer btw. I had so many expectations. How bad will my seasonal depression get, when the winter comes again? Fuck. I just realized for how ridiculously long I've been stuck here. Depression is comfortable. I just want to snuggle up in it and sleep. And never wake up again. I probably need help. Btw today it the 3rd August 2020. IT'S FUCKING AUGUST???? LAST TIME I CHECKED IT WAS STILL IDK MARCH????? wow. Summer is already over. Well fuck. And now is the moment, where pure regret starts to sink in, as I realize, that I wasted my entire summer❤ more than an entire year of just being miserable ❤ wow. I hate myself. I'm always steve. I always witness people living their lives. I sit there and watch them in 💖jealousy💖 Idk. People told me, after three months, everything will be over. It wasn't. It still isn't. So... how are you???? Maybe you should consider writing me back now. I need some serious motivation. Ok no matter what, always think about the reason why you are still here. Always remember the reason. You don't want them to feel your pain. You wouldn't want that either right? .... I would never kill myself. I just wouldn't mind, getting run over by a bus ❤ Alright.... I think I'll send this to you in a year. Good luck honey. You better tell me right now, that you are better than I am. Please.... Your (stuck in a crisis) past self from August 2020.