A letter from June 23rd, 2020

Dear FutureMe, It's your 27th birthday! I hope you woke up today with a heart full of love. Now, I don't know where you're at life wise but back in june of 2020 you were struggling with yourself BUT fighting with every once to be a better version of yourself.. You struggled quite a bit as a mother, as a lover and with just loving yourself in general. BUT you tell yourself everyday that the feeling of bitterness and sadness is just temporary. Love has and always was so hard for you; but it never stopped you from trying to give it a chance. So whether or not you and A actually last just know that you have given the love you know you have and that no matter what you should never change that because you only give what you want in return. Now you have a few goals. Part of your two year "plan" even though everyone knows life doesn't go as planned but you promised to give them your best effort. Lets see what you've accomplished ! 1. Regain the active life. By this it just means that instead of being sedentary and just being lazy when at home you get up and try to push yourself to do anything; running, a 10 mile min bike ride, swimming just anything! 2. Spend more time with Layla; zoo trips, beach trips, mini hikes or even just movies. and document it all. 3. write letters to Layla in every moment you feel something you have worth sharing so that one day you can hand her the letters and have her appreciate all the good times and sometimes even the bad times that are gonna keep both of you close. 4. learned to love YOURSELF. Learned that the woman in the mirror is amazing and that no matter what you are perfect. 5. Paid off your debt ( at least half) and built your credit back up. 6. learned to handle you're finances. stop being a broke bitch. 7. taken at least 2 trips to new places. nothing fancy but gone and had an adventure somewhere NEW. 8. Found a new job. gtfo of PHELAN. 9. Learned trust. Now this is me speaking of how I feel in the moment. it's 10:12am on a Tuesday. I haven't really know what to feel except that there been a peace in my heart the last few days. It had been a while. I finally filed for divorce from Manuel. Finally. I've never felt so relieved in my life. Talking with Mikaela yesterday just made me realize how stuck in the past I had been and that a lot of what I feel right now is just the trauma from the relationship with Manuel. Though he fucked my head up pretty bad I still find myself falling for Alex. Though I don't know where me and him will be in a year i'm hopeful that even if things don't work out I know I had something beautiful with a man who actually appreciates me for me and doesn't try to make me someone who I am not. Though sometimes I find myself doubting him I push myself to stop and just enjoy this....not everyone is Manuel. Not everyone is gonna fuck me over and if they do then it's on them not on me. I'm really not sure what else I wanna say to you besids I hope you find yourself so happy with life now. That the darkness has faded and you've learned that life in general is beautiful. That you had an amazing daughter and an amazing family (though they suck sometimes ) by your side and that no matter what you've be good. don't forget to love yourself.