A letter from June 20th, 2020

Dear Future Nigelle, we write these letters when we are in our lows. maybe this letter will be something to look forward to each month. and hey if you're reading this, you made it you mad lad. for better or for worse. i've been crying a lot today. it feels like a wasted day. i wonder if i'll always feel like this. just so sad all the time. i plan on being dead at 18. i wonder if things will change after high school. i guess the only way to find out is to make it to graduation. im ignoring friends again even though they're the only consistent thing in my life. i always feel sad all the time--with or without people. i wish my brain was normal. i wonder how different things would be if i wasn't depressed all the time. it's 12:16am on a friday night. i still consider it friday but it's actually 6/20/2020 on a saturday. im listening to "still bummed" by Nouns. it's a good album. i listen to it for every emotion. right now im just a bit bummed. everyday feels unfulfilling. im getting summer depression again. i feel sad right now. im insecure with my body. i certainly dont hate it as much as other times, but damn am i unsatisfied with it. are you still unhappy with your body? have you accepted your body? i know you have a lot of trouble liking yourself. maybe we can try again next month. i've been dating dani for 3 weeks now. does he still make your stomach do flips? make you happy? do you still love him? ..are you guys still together? do you still talk to trina and carrot? i know right now they dont seem as close anymore. has anything changed? maybe talk to them again. just a little bit so they know they didnt do anything wrong. this summer is tough and it's a strain in your interpersonal relationships. just like in summer of 2017. maybe we don't have the energy to pull through summer of 2020. in that case, let's just watch netflix or youtube. watch the midnight gospel or one piece. or some documentary on youtube. inform yourself, educate yourself. knowledge is power in these times. maybe some self-care or self therapy. make an effort to better yourself. to better your mindset. do anything to distract yourself away from this sadness. or maybe, don't. maybe come to meet that sadness and loneliness. face it and acknowledge it. we can't seem to escape it so let's stop running. give in for a bit. long enough so when the storm passes (because it will) you can tell someone about it. would make for a cool story, right? answer these questions for me: do you still water jerry on every wednesday and look forward to every friday? watch the sunset and clouds on your bad days? treat yourself to vanilla ice cream? dream of better days? did you play some games with friends? allowed yourself to feel sad and do nothing? do you like your body today? what makes you feel stable? puts you at peace? maybe it's a word or a phrase or a person or a movie or a song. maybe all of them or some of them. what new things have you taken a liking to? are you still watching one piece? what new shows have you picked up on? old ones you picked back up again? any new things with your friends? did trina find someone new? is carrot in a better place mentally? is dani still yours? ..are you still sad? and did you find any ways to cope with that sadness? even if it only helps a bit? i hope we're doing better in july. lets write these letters the next time we're in a bad place again.