subject

Dear FutureMe, Today I, acting on behalf of you, do hereby commit to the efforts needed for the cessation of the following acts: - wiping my bum with bare hand and sniffing the result - absent mindedly saying "dude" in the presence of women - daily verification of the fact that my cat's head still fits in my mouth - running down the road naked with scissors in one hand, "Monica's Story" in the other, while singing "Stand by Your Man," and tossing glitter and heart-shaped sequins into Mrs. Martinez's mailbox with my "free hand" - smoking If by chance I've failed, you're reading this without your clothes on and hands full. I implore you, put that shit down and look at how long it's been since you thought about how you spend your Friday nights. Love, Me, or rather you... Love you.