A letter from June 11th, 2020

hey I guess I'm writing this because i'm sad. i'm listening to shiloh dynasty rn, of course its loosing interest, hands down the best song. i used to listen to this song on repeat in freshman year. time went fast. your about to be a junior. I can't listen to any of Shilohs songs anymore, before these songs gave me happiness but now they just make me cry. its so sad how something so special could be ruined by time. I listen to shiloh from the moment I woke up, to. the moment I went to sleep. these songs made me feel comfort and now they make me feel pain. you know who this reminds me of. a person who had little time in my life but altered me for the worse. he was my fist kiss. first real boyfriend. not that its something to be proud of. when it happened I didn't cry, I didn't feel it, it didn't matter he was just there for temporary happiness, just like everything else. but Im now feeling the aftermath. its now that I am almost 16 years old that I realize what he had changed. I can't listen to this song without thinking about the late night phone calls with shiloh playing in the background, or the hallway kisses, or the time he walked me three miles to my house to end up making out in front of my drive way. he ruined my favorite song. I know he wasn't my first love. that's for sure but he did make an impact on me even if I am young. we weren't even together for that long but he ruined my favorite song. we bonded over shiloh. when we broke up you told me to listen to a song that I cant remember the name of, he said I would like it, then I told him to **** off. but I listened to it. i hated the song for the reason that I know you dedicated it to me. everything it said, I know you were trying to say to me. so I never listened too it. unfortunately it was one of the most popular songs of 2018 so that sucked every time my friends played it or it popped up on the radio. he ruined my favorite song. but I guess I cant blame the whole thing on you. there are other reasons this song makes me tear up. times were simpler when I started listening to shiloh. I would listen in the rain, in class, at home, in the shower, when I was living things that seemed insignificant at the time but now I wish I could relive. I took things for granted. the times in Spanish, the friends I had, the signals I should have seen, the volleyball games, the movie nights. I would do anything to feel how I did. its so scary now and im still so young. these times are so depressing, the world is in a state of disaster and I don't know what to do. I feel trapped. there's of a lot of regrets I feel and I don't know how to feel with them. I miss karla. I miss the videos in Spanish, I miss the hugs, the laughs, I miss her being there. I miss the walks home. I miss the target adventures. I miss the simple times. times have changed and I just wished we were still kids and could be happy going swiming and not always talking about relationships and jobs, I wish we didn't have to talk about college and the future. I miss not worrying. I miss the funny moments and the joy I felt. I thought I would be okay but Im not. I miss the lunch breaks with nioami and the silly conversations with Brianna, I miss the crazy stories with my chisme buddy during science. I miss the signals with izack. gosh he was so cute. I wish I realized he liked me back. I miss the feeling of butterflies in my stomach when he sat next to me that day. or the laughter that bubbled through me when we messaged. I miss the feelings I felt when he told me he liked me. but now he's gone like everybody else. i miss the days when I felt the friendship of my best friend. I don't even feel like we have anything to talk about anymore and it shouldnt feel that way. I feel like I have nobody. everyones changing and growing up and I just feel alone, everyones having *** and focusing on things that I don't even want to think about. what do I do? I have nobody. I miss the trust my mom had in me but of course I had to go and destroy that too. I just miss the simpler times. I miss listened to shiloh. its times like these I wonder what's wrong with me. is life passing me by? am I not seeing things things that are right in front of my face? why do I have everything but feel so empty and alone? is it my fault? do I drive people away? what is wrong with me? I just want to go back to listening to shiloh without it bringing tears to my eyes. but I guess I shouldn't be taking this life so seriously, I mean nobody makes It out alive anyways. anyway I just wanted to write my thoughts down I guess I should send it somewhere in the future. ill choose January 2022. the year ill be graduating. I want to know what's happening now. I want to know how stupid and insignificant I sound. I probably won't even see this again but ig we all will see. and to future me, if you see this. I hope your okay. :)