A letter from May 11th, 2020

Hey bitch Happy 20th birthday! Thats fucking crazy as I am still 18 right now anyways I am writing this at 1:39 am on a Sunday night so it may be messy. Everything is ok right now I guess... not really... but it definitely could be worse. Quarantine is still going on and its definitely going to end soonish but I've just been alone so much that I don't really know how to reach out to people anymore. I'm also just so much further from my friends and they live with their parents who are still being pretty strict so it's just been hard to see them. I'm just so negative right now it's really frustrating because I know most stuff is in my head. I. just wish I. was back in Tucson and I honestly might move there as soon as I can but probably not if none of my friends would be there. I just finished my finals which is nice but also I really have nothing to do now. I haven't had any motivation to do art which is really making me lose confidence in myself as an artist. I still can't eat right and I gag when I get stressed which blows. I'm living with. my sister and her boyfriend which. is also pretty stressful. We haven't gotten into any big fights but I'm still scared. I just don't trust her. Im still letting boys control me and treat me like shit and I'm really starting to hate them :) Anyway now on to you. Listen to some of your old playlists they slap. You have a good music taste you can play music out loud by the way. I hope you've learned how to take care of yourself better. I hope hope hope you are happy. Please be happy you deserve it. I hope you've improved artistically and are proud of yourself. You also deserve to be proud of yourself even if nobody is telling you. God I have comes far and I know I am not the center of anyone else universe but I just wish someone would. sincerely tell me that they're proud of me. I hope you're making music and that you are actively pursuing it because it is something that you truly love. I'm gonna get the base in two days which I am very excited to throw myself into. should practice. piano more too honestly. I just miss living alone honestly I think I prefer it. How was this year? Did you find love? I know its not the most important thing but it still sounds very nice. I hope you didn't get your heart broken again because you don't deserve to go through that amount of pain ever again. Im being dramatic but it's true even if heartbreak is a part of life. I just hope you found a nice boy who actually knows how to treat you. If you're currently in a relationship where he makes you cry all the time he's not the one and do me an enormous favor and dump him please. (writing that just in case you need a sign). I hope you're working on finding an apprenticeship. Its okay if you've been busy but its still something that's important. Do you know how to write songs now? Because that would be insane and so impressive. Maybe you've even joined a band who knows. I hope hideaways still okay he's been having a hard time lately. I wonder what new musical artists you've foundI've been so into finding new music so I hope it's good. I hope your art classes were really fun and that you did a good job in the portfolio review. I bet your makeup skills have gotten insane :) Okay well I don't know if I have anything left to say but I'm just very excited to see where we're at. Happy birthday I hope it's one for the books. Much love <3 Past Rowan