A letter from April 17th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, Hello, its currently April 17th, 2020, 4:29 PM The world is shut down because of the coronavirus, it is all very apocalyptic. this is my second email to my future self, I hope you're doing well. I read mine from when I was 15, last year. I was really not confident yet because of my eyelid surgery. Currently, my obsession is still Lana Del Rey, I'm studying at San Domenico, which seems so impossible, past me had no idea I would be here. I'm getting treatment for Anxiety and Depression, which I feel guilty for talking about because I'm not even sure I have it if you get what I mean. You'll almost be 18 by the time you get this letter, which is insane. That's a whole adult! Anyways, here are the questions I set for us from last year's letter. How are your grades? Around a B Family? I'm really close with my dad now, we watch Haikyuu together and I cannot be more grateful for him. I miss mom dearly but she's in Taiwan. I lost her silver earrings and I feel bad because she gave them to me and they were beautiful. Love life? Sigh, Still nonexistent. There's this guy in my class, Cameran, he's really, really cute. I'm also confused about my feelings towards Carys and Lola, they're both pretty and my friends. I'm on a facetime with Lola right now, she doesn't know I'm writing this. I want to be her good friend before anything else, she reached out to me and seems to really, really care about me. She's a republican though, which is confusing because she's a wonderful person that seems to care about people. self-confidence? It fluctuates, but ever since my monolid surgery I feel a lot prettier, and people tell me I'm pretty. But I'ms still insecure and I wish I was prettier. and I also wish I was more motivated and intelligent. I think I'm pretty smart, I just don't apply myself as most people do. Mental health: I had such a strong urge to cut today, and I feel like I've been faking everything about having bad mental health and that I'm just too sensitive. It's a bad feeling and I wish it would get better soon. My therapist's name is Gabrielle, she's okay but I don't think shes really helping me, not in the way Rachael did at least. social life? Isa was an amazing roommate, a little messy and complains too much but she's the best friend I could ever ask for. She's always there for me and I know I can trust her, I do make fun of her a little too harshly, just because I could. I'm going to stop. I have a bunch of friends now! none of them are necessarily close though. I eat lunch with Jack, Sophie, Angel, and Judy and Fiona. I'm also talking to Carys and Anaya, they give me headaches because I want to be closer to them but we don't have much to talk about. I'm very jealous of Carys because of shes strong, talented, smart, opinionated, funny and pretty. It's not a good emotion. I have Kara and Sara, they're my quarantine buddies and Sara and I love to watch Timothee Chalamet movies and thirst over them There's also my east 2 friends, Gemma, Clara (Isa's girlfriend, I hope it turns out well for them) and Julia. We always have fun although I'm pretty sure none of the people in the friend group like each other very much. And there's Lola, she's special and I feel like we just click, we get high together and we watch anime, we love Saiki K. she is also very gorgeous and caring, I love her. greatest accomplishment? I came out of my comfort zone and survived with decent grades to show, I managed to make some good friends and I sought help for my mental health. the biggest problem right now? I'm struggling with my mental health and self-doubt. and the coronavirus thing is giving me a lot of stress. I also lack motivation for anything in life, especially Chemistry. meme.palette?shes at 57.5k! but its quickly going downhill, I don't know why who's your best friend? I have Isa, and Noorun, and Emma, and Lola. I love them all a lot even though I still doubt myself sometimes. which school? san Domenico! are we happy? As happy as I can be anything on college/future jobs? Mrs. May recommended some colleges for me, its stressful because I don't have a high enough GPA and SAT score. How's Junior year? It's stressful but good I hope you're in a good place right now, don't worry about things too much, and I want you to have a good time. -stella, 16

Epilogue

about 5 years later

Hi babygirl,

I love you, I love, love love your mind, your humor, your wisdom, your grace, your terrifying insight. The world has recovered from the coronavirus sometime into your...

Bit a lcg,eeol fo het ot sllit ahs odnsec yera has imangk ebne aitipcpoanl ipkc ipsederngs hhciw pu, hte hugoltah neooymc tye boj oscsrep. .
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Orfaivte etnfo a ot anm,yoer ery feniyledti tnd'o s'esh slilt eld we lesnit as ubt naal. At anlddeh dhar i hineyrgvet ouy is dna damzae how caelp am to ,eb a dicmooen ans. Thseno, pnepheda ot i seary fmor ma rnrogvceie to slitl ndriug hoset be uyo htaw ni paryteh. Nsoemuor hte na drievusv up we i a an as tmunoa as llwi ci,hld tulad pcik nad stre. Ohrrrtd'—ono fo opirsexnse ywa, ouy eizsulvai migena!i aingemi you 'eerw acn stmoal oryu dnogi by eht i ow,ryr vree ew'er ,wno 22 hatn nac tteber can. .
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Oyu aeg fmor teh ltedets setar i'st down trnse weetebn dan era dues ttha gone nrgbi won, anretps by lmaniy to yqeefcurn oury rown saubidnoer inttinsye etueurnlbc ot. Oyu fo eabucse eavh imctyian hsit omse moblpres with. .
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Uoy to :oewrt yuo yrfesluo, ni dna poeepl thwi ,eerlstt of ,eovl oruy tehes be" neo teh atth ffoer tnelge voel. Otn otn vneeoyre si enyroeve kidn utb mnae si. Tgiryn hat,re uaclfre rmof ithw my lat,ud eb am teagr i as iertcpac tawh ngcniiunto a " ot you still na. By lal gtsiaan eleppo eth tghh?uo mcoe a,wht rae to oknw ifnd aw,y dsod t,ou msto kdni, you. Stn'i iaeezrl ti? gdoo toabu to a tnihg the wr,old.
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Dnede tnoi we it iinhwt sirft ta 2,2 fo tpirnislhoea ni tgo restm dna eov,l oru 3 wesek. Eth irsrepus oyu *** noe aer onw, of to on. O,dg eht sdai stghin 'uoyev. . . Mmeyor i ,eathetr eemmrber o'duy in i smehtgino shlwo od owuld issnkgi lotsam oemiv anyaa to mvgoni ahev pmr,soebl lreyla eht dna i em saclet nkhit not mmbrreee shtta. Eb gdirun a ******* trheaet, movei be nareuaqnti by oduwl hda eth teeadnrgee agrndobi secacs ti imeo"v tea"hter tno ylon oryu atbuoesl ot ruchch lwduo ,hcoosl a,wy hte oyu we eht of. Ictrhs sseju. .
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Knhginti you tbaou eepk i. Bed erh aaany lola itwh raeb,hte in inthg cruchh tiwh ncnagid adn teh oc,uth tbu hleginp a in in own ntgehyveir emna nlgiy heolinaipsrt ,xeniest at loshco in ai'ss. Awtn ro nts'i clcihe, ysrac, ,won ,aynaa rou ew seifl' tubao essepuspdr ewre tjus asw ensfglei ti? it or alol, ,ais oducefsn ro fuynn a ot enrve rfo dsnrndaute is't. Ineartc ew wludo ubeaecs ofmr sbeuace wdolu ilfe *,** ewer otu caehr eebmoc eomr wkne redhar tcapcecena sguopr of ew htat even tge. .
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Riitegfrny tihs i teurnd seoremewh lieets— or esuntadrdn ,uot hyw i khnti oru oecldbk ntieatton aws ewve'. E,apcdect dminpcae grityn erwe wsa uoy adn ,ndfeied ngiwka raptsen ti sigrl eonph ifndsre eeyrv hyw qereu wldor het saw swa no uyro teh you erew auoitp esesn ngiyrf,reti were doscne, a sapeec raitsitc ntoi esamk ,iitygfernr laoisc velo in ldvoe hrwee nifyr,reigt smrno eldiv uyro ot grifei,ntry were a ruoy srensqeue. Y,wa habti od e'ewr eth i in eavh vener is it of ndwo,u pedree tnew itlls ratp the ahfit w,aay haolghtu ingod yb rou tth,a a uftrue. Siht tr,beet our dema tra 'sti emnsasd. .
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Ilcosa lfi:e.
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Wokn ddi eth uoy rdwsoc the ndes w,ya fo artef 'ndtdi eth fo gleoce?l nscdoe tpcncoe oolc i by ehtier yera. We sugrpo or tehm egart of eth ni osmt ni gahn of queer pe,loep won satr dnvvloei svaeler. Ew yw,a vnavii edma dna ttah hvea nirfsde do ocutopridn now, a and ha(+nn)sa ngisde few mdo. Uory gitbegs ggi iaisvnv by 60$0 dyape hfaetr aws. Frpseroos ,keyl kmi nmuctioym joinwn of sgedin zmgaian na gn,uyo saol togbuhr pee:plo iyaji. Yo aent otd your aelp nad uyo pcorejt belu sioner rhutogb sahminw hdimreet. S,ldnotca edsfirn inivigst egibn nad ot otw ,onhtsm eendjyo ytsud ew reo,pue ewnt ornaud amed in dobaar we dealnng ew lneacdi, neve in 72. E'yovu sieermom nda 200 paokdoserbc aepgs fo up. Ameceb oryu iucrntsoe cyiqulk foeavtri alecind eno of. Nah,nah o,cgn cia,sse peelop mayins herto lndueic gaw:s. .
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Fun eebn hcesaerr ,own trigh has. Inkia yam,laka dna velo gn,eg rou on hitsse bal gionlmo ruo hwit we yjo been esosrfopr sha tub ,su. Even tca. .
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Of tehre whti my etzm dna interyte iontgnarl i,laena amgniza ivled eth osla ofr lisgr in gleeolc mt—i,stratnaepnib ewev' rcrea,e. Rfeta ni a now trtdeas tiagdn ailean al temz nda to,o 'rhytee ihwel. Rheplnitiaos esarstm rtfeuu hitw erh and go atnmel mohe galos mpgorra tqui her kabc a-leveeurta nad ehr her iyamlf telahh, fro zmet to to. M,hoe as irwgokn nasstiast rof il'se na iifcatyl aerc nivitmrtdiaeas eey abck na. Fo sdpeas w,yaa moeghanrtrd uboat aeg me it jtus and ash earc nebe itankg erh erh hkint ss'eh adme drg,trpannea ahd. .
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Pugro rea utcmlanuoi thob adn mdae inednpsg ntiib oyu ghoturh ni sc,lub fo dna oatnrc days yuo a rsab eoscl vmcista,i sienrfd wiht a of casto,. A wkor bobry neclryte in ia,rec ni bla amisrr ot felt srheacer who( d,onys daarr),vh enes,lga xea,li. Oprgu oeinnl mast,r dna preu tib adhtre,e a vibntar acrlhilcnyo fo lppeoe. .
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I seu,cor peke ym fo idrsefn vaidudinli. Dan soehw on woh lethaw ,aszzeld a evenr rsuepdtop cc,oo tleelerlyssn saderm idsmtietnia gnfeir tup sha tbu yrou acn ouy. .
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At readtst ,wasy htat otngte cctcpanaee h,gint t,ncrmineeds gvhnia ahtt uro icoasl our eeplpo dogo so came nda fomr stih yohtu fof ee'wv of in denidghs nsaigepl aytisccr vewe' eifl. Usrtt repic j,enmdgteus gbierreemnm tjus ,tnihuteac srdae dan benig rove no on our rlyade ent,rpse who i ruo glennria onw eefls tig,nhs zimmneii ni the htwa weer' ttengig lwil ti lre—avnloe apyhetr ot ahrerbteka, apygni am e,setrf. .
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Isctiruqe rfo ohw and dna iniatmob i no gizanma ta ehyt swa,y onlterat eshte alocis tuniroce taest oru o,nw era life but btu so hrigt fo ookl as,tmr my ma ,is i e,loppe ecgt,pncai lla fo eth ergtaful vhae emth. But ts'i a uohtgth trhwo noe v,ahe gisvaiinttegn ogod ot ont. Ahtt odlwu i silaye, i asy reenv lmefsy uabto seinrdf kame thgohtu i. Lltsi irny,sifgi—ret old icszgnloiai aadns—w ym ni ooigftn giutptn oradnu oe,egcll t,rehe idgifnn ti my ot ssr,ntiete lfeysm teurluc me npuirugs teh hnagile iulvannocntneo o,ndusw otu mylfse. It ohw kool sdsnikne daeyp f,fo to emrtons sreep eth ued fo tbu nad. Lryl,ea dna odurp m'i lumdhbe,. Ngrtaes i'st a imoeont. Toubd wlli em, ruiasndeob you i do mo,cmnyuti ontofig, ahev retetb rouy veen iagn tes naht no dfin. Aymbe loco ew eb ayd oen anc l,hel. Eselstt tath clo,o ralyle oclo hte of dnik. Orarfdw to it i oklo. .
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Of nnuoor ihtw and dya hotcu ,oesn inajl,a ym has,ah ni ,ueosrc eepk i. .
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Mnmatesclhic?po ratesget.
Iienlk— eahv i lyset nad owkr a i thsro, dogo a adn i i tiubl efli by am i tylrsoanpei oiiamsub,t brcik ma dan hist i uinlyegen rcbik taht drei,fn rhda,. Reeth uor golcele of teh so,epstr vew'e nnialonltiytrae edn sprnetede 'weer matols to edree,g eno. !)( iont ogt nad citmtmode pys nda ulmaobic nprppeedei to strvuyiine a ew. You can eb e(h,y a d o!orcdt). Now k,rwo (or dna nigod nsidge ishgwhya dierv we we grscxieein dpinoructo )to, tyrgin ocol anc ear. Dna a ew ,lgri cema one ,oh uo,t on adcre taded. Am s,nidtem eht nihtk my fo i i ropduset wvheeor. I fo mfor nda korw trcspee nda rgelon erhwe i a orfm ,akcl lruepy eacpl own lfyems i emac no. .
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?gaders.
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Of ouy in rtems ,gdrsea adarws eno ear you no as tgntgie rea fo yako, m,aroyen o'yreu sgared doign eatdurag treeh those oerm. Nio,icsde oyb a a i si hitkn eatrx rfo the aws ti we si teh u,elahfms ytoad ypoghlcyso rigth to do sphd ******* as licialcn mte oingd it llew i raye ,rehcares na ,meas how tub koot. .
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Hte ihrgt now? stgbgie lemprbo.
Meisrc most lbeassm,h lvarees cnmoyeo grdioptne rtiinmmasg urmtp kantgi smees ls:tea eb and het rucovaronis nielaosgd ofrm ot si teh ,oevr ltef to ni rmpesolb awr ai. In srh'ete aelsevr lorwd eth gscdeneio aphngpien. Nda s,idgne ndfi i lycyogopsh aadirf am ieciscafr yonsrl,lape nad to work ot ot fro o,jb i immcto pu ntmuomme rfidaa nich eht a nda afiadr cilcainl eietrnts of ot dema vgie. Lrfgdnreii ehav eonym and nad vhea i ,rca eahv t'nod i lal his,t a a o'ndt i td'on. .
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Hocslo: hihcw.
I!vdas.
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Aer we pyah?p.
S,rsteesd a no dan bit yse t,i utb nwrkiog. Cyll,taua no. Aref leiv in i. Hree i i to mesa i emo,r rsnewa: domnoec,i tbejvlceioy be dan sya in the i leba was aws i sa ayhpp nas hwo am? i asw onw haypp twih whne sa cnt'a can 'mi sya.
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Goucflu/eeerlt no sojb? anihygtn.
Oqtsueni is hte bgi tish. .
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Srmaed?.
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Levi reddao oocl loco onccpiatuos olco nda awnt by ,almosr i yt,ci to olesrv kdin uduesrondr owh dan by in a idefsrn hvae oeppel. Yalialctna esu i ndgsei ym tawn iopntealt ot adn. Ehva to stimg,eonh hslpdbeui llsma i nwta. Adn dpuro be want taneric ********* my ot i of. Eudrhgat nda ot wlle i be mih doog tanw to a osaitcn dna mih mhte add, rnhoo in nhevcseitmea eattr ym mo,m nad adn be itsh ot yslawa dna oclse. Anwt ot leef i cendntoif. Em a **** )nr menoy awtn i nto k(100 kmea si wim-gdnbonli ot fo to. To want be nietdenendp i. Anwt i nda ot etifalubu be atsrm. Ot adn frueplwo anevetlr nad be tcepreesd i tawn. Eh,y my dreesis teosnh tsuj wtih bgnie. .
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Tihnk dnwtea too so i etter,b igofvre saw hepo vieg adn to rio,pstteune mdea bntneluss ttah a grwitin nda at i a pudeat sstuta eonhst tswna' mroe ym 1,6 jstu wtirer het iths i. Msedar up hoep epoh i to aawlsy bidlu nad of aeremdd of feli i emac eosm we awth 'eewv ym iths ,uret. Yo,u s'it fo i i ni so sehct a ,fegilne i fele oupdr eb o,yu my fo dierw ti am os llwi opudr. A ltde,set ryuo no p,u rneev 'ouevy rhlousde eo'uvy and eagv o'uyve good veren etrpyt got aedh. Oevl i uoy eht rfo epoh olgkion im' ifdn. .
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Aeg lsle,ta 22.

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