A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Aer seupid htat oyu ot reya ni dhgenca in letycopmle tikngla (who mi’ s21t adn wno, fiel 23 ),ttleer my my ndwo. Dna raey strow ym asw iefl stbe fo eth it. Nggoi a aws ‘’ynadmos etagr rohghtu s12t as ym tno my em ahptc gurho eerw ,one abhdtiry dcdeiht a we. I be eht hatt yb i glbniurcm nad of luodw did all tlilte it nluwdt’o epesrbtme nkwo nfeisrd mcoe hrotghutou dwno awy yan emht ,ayer hwti eth. Of taht imght hgnueo iv’e okhcs ciedr tobh su ryw,ro kmea no’td yuo utb ofr yuo, hte s,uept ro. Nda i esmtoisem natw hyet thta uyo ot eleppo ar’ent esem lal n,kwo twha. I’ddtn fomr eploep tusj hktni ymna eht sulr,foe leaiser ltuin so it os aer rea oyu htat ew my ttah rouand 1s2t ehtre taps nttysclnao aer raosne thta ltietl yera we fo. Aosl i graatdue dna ,erya i eoddrpp suiicald dn’dit embace that enieslytn otu. I gto ilfe owdul otin i uohhrtg adn iwht a…goy negib ton a eeomson it dti’dn ofr fnnodewu spliepd wtothui wkno who ym up i utb how ealb nde ievl elov ot. Cellmtih our. Hmi my hgrit ni is estecrveppi utjs yuo ,me lyoptlecme hcednag tish hs’e htta lvoe duwlo vtygheeinr low,rd on esh eifl dna. .
Ryea ni aetfr den e,m i s21t iwth enwt thoguh raey ni fof i 2:1 cabk 0223 utraigandg teuardadg dan a my uylj inu idd i up a. Os wodul pdoru be oyu. Ordpu ma i so. Nugselliocn up rnosidaisett ffo :) i si’t neigb wef to emtnevihcae asw rftis rksam a no, a ,aedt gsbeigt dndee eht on ym opcrpeeint nad nda fo ym.
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Tbu a ’sti nda dsecniio ededn erve the i ngoimv sebt ,rdei iinvgl been whit emi,tchll up out. A ,raye trhu, drdaagn swa nda gthir wntigri ym rittseadnios lot deid ti the ti ni a dan okcsh tsal fo lddmei. Siwh he but cpoeul imh ot go home, tmnhso ulodc eltl twore ynaayw go i a lal i nctou’dl of adn lko,wodcn nad mih sviti uoy uyo onit a ouy ert,tel at out ttha to had ese eatrf ecmo uyo reaft. Bad hsa bakc srevnuei l,wli) uyo nowk lfee yruo (i ’ndot os hte.
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Llet i i ducol uoy hiws tnhsig esehtr htta. I am oyu like of woh uodrp. Einrdk to in teh ouy 4 raesy enommt of wsa i tansied hwo wihs i lerat. I btu i glinhae smieopr am ,you. Ot we hcldi hela ehal srfleuo einrn ebrdob nad dkerni eotsh no eebn, heva d’otn saw i i nradwi ot gnebi rofm ki,le am hnat ot erve fo rapst su msyelf sfylme atht i oru am wrgnoki. Dna etltli bti iirngtw tshi oiggn !!ret,le)t on r’taen i edpleh ruo a 4 ghntis uyro a as hvae we nad rtnrcyuel fduon we and wnehesp sewephn t13h usecbea yirabhtd arfte ’im tuo nceeis ogpnmi thrbeor di’ tghir y(se sa ewll ma ,own. Nikorgw is thta utb gnstoiehm ma i no. Eefl rhtu nt’do onrwkgi shti ma no yoamnre os ttha duasreiobn ew i. Ot rou usor oisacxtntepe yeth ohret fo espopel twih hold ti ot optrislybnsiie dale ton era not ,su is. Lot taht fo i a dan reou’y knwo gdinolh. Tsohe yuo ’sit gtnhsi nodw akoy m’i tglilen tpu ot. Elvo yuo kayo ot ispntoapid polepe tsi’. Ts’i eubecsa not ,eilf yrosu trieh t’is. Tno twah ueabsce ouy hlosud ahs the re’yeth ltel noe igviln eesl nlothdsu’ ifle on and eb gdnoi yuo to ryou pcaatyic. Ahwt heyt ryuo rae lal atth iasssoceecr euoy’r wssstenie doing to aer ireatly to. Me hntgion samtret. Nppaeh,de it oruy avhe hduevl’so a,bkc it ersevuin will eth duwlo vhea if. Howtuit tnigkhin tap(ar yan omersip rofm i ugohtrh mdae va’hnet atth uoy adn it itllemch i sfrit siiscdeno lluyf. . Hwo olev)? nac useac tigfh. Esdrnfi of htis us lla iwht i ttlree no ownk nbgie tno het teypdxhferai l’uoly dnsymao eb tuo of. You ca’nt btu gsihnt lfei ni this feocr. For ton ofr ahce ti nto rwee htey otdn’ but toerh dgoo dogo tehy ’yehetr u,s nwko. Nad hucm ewer eretbt isrnfhiped uyo nda yuo os het nevgi ntah omer nda velo ouy atwh cmhu so are tpye ear worth of cerdevei. Ocme na cudol ouyr su hswi i it na then uo,t aakctt wsa whcih( heort tawh eucabes is eoldlwa to ydmasn,o and tcu oru ehnw iebng yeht ned ot eht ellfoodw ot rea on )em to i dwwraka soech yhet oto pfnihrdise shgint thotwui dne lmedba teh ti but rlpenosyiat yas. Nda eeoppl htwi ouy hwen casebeu wotrh of issnsanet rea oveuy’ ,rdowl gihtknin but e’yuor hytv’ee the ouy kiel teh ostl are lla bouta ttdraee orwht nto is enno. Syad in of us i ibgen hrtoyw eutfru sedpn to ntdine my teh ,uoy yslmfe, and.
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Mi’ rsry,o.
Paesel vorigfe ,me.
Kahtn yuo,.
Leov yuo i.
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Eol,v.
Erya ldo 23 me x.

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