A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

.
(hwo my in reay to ilfe yuo dan im’ dngache klingta in s1t2 llyetcpoem rae erle),tt iudpes taht 23 odnw my on,w. Eth my of tsbe nad wtsor swa lief ryae it. Catph me we rugoh chteddi a bhdyriat st21 as ,one erew a hhortgu ydsoa’n‘m artge not oingg ym my saw. Hwit i fo imculnrgb nda eht yan wya tlitle ti ceom hte ludntwo’ nokw ,year luodw fdniers by atht idd i totguruohh lal eb eebtsperm htme onwd. Coksh eakm or us oyu tndo’ tes,up htat uy,o the gunohe fo thob rfo ev’i but mtghi cerid ,yorwr. Smee taht ahtw tyeh leoppe to ’teanr tnaw nda i mseemstoi all uoy konw,. The intkh amny pleope t’ddin thta fo rheet ieelras rounda oyu 2st1 so htat l,ufsore yrea my era era ahtt rae so tluin mrof utjs snlnoacytt it we ptas nreaos liettl we. Dan ya,er yetlinnse meeabc iiusclad tndd’i adurteag lsao i thta edpdrop uto i. Hhtougr ti owh pielpds ivle gay…o to not fro kwno elba edn whti a i adn tgo tbu i iont oeunndwf elvo idnt’d pu oeonmes being ttoiwuh elif owldu who i ym. Ruo mliechlt. Tsuj gndceah vole ym e’hs drol,w owudl ,me hmi trigh lfie no atht seh oyu pericvestpe tveigreyhn is nad in isht lmpeceloty. .
A t21s ughoht uiganagdrt in ryae e,m yare in with uin up etnw ftaer i i lujy 0223 :12 edn and kacb a i ym tadgderua ffo did. Os yuo opdru eb oudwl. I am roupd os. Scneoullign odsaitniesrt ym gtbesig mrask fo isftr efw etoircepnp dedne asw :) a dan s’it a,edt i my eht o,n to and mnetivecaeh up a fof no ngieb.
.
A ubt nsiieocd pu giivnl tesb eben ndede erev twih uto s’it dan htillcem, i eth mvigon dire,. Ti eddi rdiinastsoet ngradda ,turh swa my ltas lot rwiignt it a oschk y,rea hte ni dna a rghti nad deildm fo. Og him visti doocnw,lk i of hmi rweot noshmt oyu he all utb dna ot ettr,el tou thta ucelpo hda nyaway eh,mo rftae ertaf yuo cuold moec uoy i ’dulcnto you ees llte tnio a a nda ot ta og iwsh. Lefe (i so nsieevru sha teh kcab uryo yuo iw)l,l wokn t’ond abd.
.
Htat i htrsee uyo dculo tlel istnhg hisw i. I doupr ilke hwo am fo ouy. I 4 was ohw edrikn yrase eth to ntaeisd fo ni i enmotm earlt shiw uoy. I you, i am nlhieag but eiospmr. Lyesmf lrufsoe ot ruo alhe evre dobbre asw dlcih ntah atth no i i fslyem omfr gkrwion enkdri eikl, rstpa nrein ehav ,been t’odn ma dan we to fo nigeb sthoe am ot i iwdrna su aelh. A uot pwhesen eran’t i 31th rletruync adn gtishn uro ’id ceneis tshi adn otrbehr iingrtw nofud itrgh eatfr lpeedh oruy re!t)l,!te giompn se(y sa ioggn ew we hdrtybia as suabeec am nsewpeh lltiet nda vaeh won, i’m a wlle 4 tbi no. Gtnsmeohi that no kwgonri ma i tub is. Htat hsit i irngwok feel am no aemryon uhtr os oanisurebd we nt’do. To our of oiacptxesent nto era teyh si ousr not ,us siperbntyilois tihw elad to lhdo ppeesol htoer it. Ttah of i nldohig nad lto wnok yoe’ur a. Ayok put eotsh m’i ltlngei odwn ot sit’ uoy tingsh. Evol ot lpeepo npipstoaid sti’ kyao uyo. Ts’i rysou not ,lefi hiter ebsaecu ’tsi. Hsa lese to ilfe l’dtsuhon sbaecue hwta uoy hte no ltle eb nad lhodus goind oyur noe htery’e atcacypi ont you invigl. Cessreoasci twha yatrile to to wessenist hyte royu lla rea ahtt oryeu’ rea gnido. Me atrstme inoghtn. Fi lv’duohse vhea he,ppdnae ,bcak ti eursnvie oruy evah llwi ulodw het it. Atth ioedcniss (praat innkhgit htoitwu yan rspimeo miehcllt i ti a’thenv oyu and hturhog rsfit i lufly fomr eadm. . How tgfih uceas can elv)?o. Su uoll’y etletr i nibge teh ehytdrxapefi fo itwh be nto konw lla no of htsi dyonmas rfdiens uto. Uyo ocref efli nta’c ngtsih this ni utb. He’yetr rohet btu hyet godo nowk not ofr eewr it otn nd’to u,s dgoo orf tyhe aehc. Ouy nda so elov tpey hant and oyu wree reom rea fo chmu hrwot hatw fisperhdni beettr vrdeciee hte so uoy umch enigv era and. Shignt eldmba eocm mon,adys hipsedrifn hewn u,to hisw utb dwloleof etrho dlcuo ot na teh etyh ruoy i oot enth na nde ttcaak elwdlao ear hesco ythe ti us oru ot hatw ot dne (ciwhh no beuscae is wotithu yas ctu gbeni aws ti wadkraw het ot i nda m)e leptaironys. Lla d,rlwo elopep the wtohr btu yuo si of o’uyve ebeusca when teh eetatdr era htwi wtohr otn r’eoyu olts eehtvy’ nghintik nad eonn you rea tuaob elki nsseasnit. Nbegi eht ouy, elsf,my fo su ndinte ydsa nesdp in rowyth dna ot my fuutre i.
.
’im yrsor,.
Oigefvr eplase ,em.
Tahkn u,yo.
Uoy ovle i.
.
El,vo.
Lod me reya x 23.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Letter Author:

22 days ago

Dear 19 and 23 Year old me,

I am now 25, and life has been quite the whirlwind. I cannot even explain to either of you what the few years that have now passed me will do to your life and sense of self, how absolutely turned upside down your life will get. It has truly been an experience that I will never be able to explain.

I am now engaged. And I am terrified as for this summer I have developed into more of you when I was 19 than you when I was 23. I have become freer, child-like, extroverted, chatting constantly. But with that comes all the things you struggled with that I somehow forgot; the anxiety, sadness and wondering what would've happened if something else went different. I have met some people that I wish I could have in my life 24/7 this summer, and some of them I will try to be friends with for as long as the universe will let me. But one thing to remind all three of us is: just because somethings new and exciting and different, does not make it better or worth throwing away your life for. Trust me.

I have been struggling for the past few weeks, with the same thoughts that plagued me when I was 19. I am slowly letting them go, for who am I without my own love for myself? I promise you both, and future me that I am trying. Believe me when I say that I am in an incredibly better situation and mindset than I have been my whole life. But sometimes these waves of depression ebb and flow and that's just how life is. But as our new friend T has said to me this week: "an ebb is coming, I can absolutely promise you that. We are stronger than our thoughts".

This ache in my chest will go away soon I am sure of it, and in another 2, 3, 5 years when I come across this again, this will be different as life always is. Life will be different next week, or the next month or even tomorrow. You can never know where life is going to take you.

I love you both dearly, someone in this world finally knows our biggest secret and I promise you they were the right person to trust with it. You both deserve better, I deserve better too.

Love,
25 year old me x

Load more comments