A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Mi’ uoy ifle my sipedu kntagil nad eltt,r)e ,onw tath ondw in t21s 23 rae empeytllco ho(w in nhaedcg arey ym ot. Swa elif btes het ym of nda it ryae trswo. Hdtdeci a noe, hapct sa greta ghruo moyadns’‘ swa not gogni ghuthro irhdabty a ts12 ym em we my wree. Eht rye,a ndltw’uo tothohuurg ltietl eb by oecm i lal clurnbimg einrdfs the ondw tmhe i idd owdul ahtt ebrpmtese it of nay dan wkno with ayw. Btu meak atth u,oy us ksohc es,upt don’t wo,yrr of eounhg uoy v’ei hbto rfo or eth iedcr hgmti. Ppeloe what lal and ot okwn, emse uyo atwn mteeismos ren’ta hyet i that. Reeht mrfo ttah nourad ear unlti osue,rlf rea eepplo so psat of ntihk lettli idtdn’ aenosr ew ew utjs yanm leerias tntoalcysn ttha eht ti os ear my ttha reya ouy 12st. Uto csuidlai taurgdea nad tath i istenleny i a,ery beemca dnidt’ reoddpp also. My rhhugto woh oomesen orf konw ogt i owh ot i i tub itno pu edn leiv dfnuwneo g…yoa utothiw adn nigeb vole fiel ouwdl ’tnidd lpidpse ti a htwi leba tno. Ehtlmcli oru. No hes tsuj elfi hs’e this him ym ethgynvrei ni peemltolyc dwo,rl leov is adn hgrit dcahgen e,m htta itrpcvepese uoy wdluo. .
Eyra fof yujl dne ftrea ghthou i tignaurgad in ym iwth wtne iun nad ,me a idd i t21s a yaer dgtadraue pu 12: 0232 i kcba in. Be uoy produ dwluo os. Os i podru ma. Tgebsig oenrdtisitsa tis’ on ,adte ym asrkm ot niegb ewf a a fof i ,on ): of teh nolselcngiu isrft ipoetrcenp was nda ddene pu adn tmecneahvei ym.
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Edend thwi oimgvn eri,d nad up i bste eht tmeh,illc eerv its’ otu tub vligin a bnee iisndeco. Asw fo in lto dlidem the ym a re,ya rgntiiw tur,h eddi dtisirsaetno schok ti tgrhi ti nad rdnagad a dna atls. A go yaanyw mhi cudlot’n to yuo tub he ot dna mtsohn clodu a ese vsiti ihws cemo of tou adn lla tath ouy ,onwocdkl mhi ftaer ahd raeft ta tell om,eh i eorwt toin oulcep uyo ,eltert go i yuo. Yrou elef bda the not’d hsa kown (i iuneserv liw,)l so yuo cabk.
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Thnisg i swhi uyo tehres i tlel lcoud tath. Leki am fo i drupo you woh. Nmtemo how ntdesia 4 i etlra yuo in fo to hte ekndir i was yeasr ihsw. I y,uo ngeilha i am pieroms but. Evre no frouels dwiran fo nda inbge ntah mfor tdon’ fylmse erbdbo i hlae am ienrdk ma reinn ,ikel our ew to i heal ildch tpars saw slmeyf evah htat ot b,nee i iwgnokr su sothe ot. A dan mi’ brtohre niiwrgt (eys on oru 4 irgth we fnduo uroy igpmno h13t evah i goign antre’ nad itgnsh hsewnpe tish ttleil uto plehed bceusae sa am tunlreycr farte daihrtyb di’ bit !)eet!tl,r lewl ,onw we adn wnephes sa a ncesie. Si am taht tsiomngeh tub i grwkino no. Iths eelf nemyora i ibdnroasue am nt’od ahtt hrut no os knirogw we. Not loppese to is ti not lhod s,u hyet ot soru pitslinsbeiryo eald of oru eetxcstiopan thiw ear hreto. I fo olt wnko adn ahtt yr’euo hldinog a. Kyao hsoet gnsith egniltl nwod i’m to uyo si’t utp. Ti’s pepeol kyoa olve ot oyu oipitnadsp. Beuasec s’ti lf,ei t’si eriht rusyo not. Your ypatccai lfie ash uoy eehyt’r uldsoh eb aebcseu ouy nl’hsduot adn lelt lsee ot on noe ginod the whta ton nigvli. Rae your talreiy rae ttha isreesascco digon yteh to tsnesiesw what all ot ’yeuor. Em mttarse nhngiot. Cakb, epphnda,e vaeh it evah yuor fi het it eesnuirv dlwuo iwll hovulds’e. Orsempi ara(tp i thurhog hltceiml yuo emad tuwoith yflul cndeissio and ayn nntiikhg rsfti ti i mrfo atht hetn’av. . Csaeu vo?e)l cna woh githf. Fo tuo nibeg fo detpiarhfeyx ynsdoam kwon het llo’yu seirdnf nto elrett us hiwt all i be on tish. You fiel ni ngisht htis tub ’tcan rfeco. Hyrt’ee oogd not utb tehy ,su it wnok wree tyeh godo otreh ’ondt ecah tno rof rof. So eth dna fo pety uyo remo ignve leov nad naht wree chmu and wtroh htaw oyu eettrb os aer era pdrhisinef eedrievc you ucmh. It dfwloeol dan akarwwd us i hisw abldme hnsitg na oto otu, swa oreht say ubt whtiotu i ihdfisenrp hyet )me an enhw gbnei hcseo secaueb ecom tuc it to rou are ot h(hciw oryu on is y,daomns ot actkta to tpoiaresnly ahwt duclo edn hte ehyt neht end the ewadoll. Ertated wrlo,d hte het hety’ev caeebsu yuo tno ekil nehw rotwh all ihwt tesinsnsa yuo rtohw but gihntnik adn oslt is rea era eonn eyuvo’ leoppe u’oery ouatb of. Ni dan eth pnsed ym,fles y,ou fo i utrefu denint igneb to su aysd ym thyrow.
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Rory,s ’mi.
Peesla ,me eroigfv.
Nktha ou,y.
Levo yuo i.
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Oev,l.
Ryea lod x 23 me.

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