A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Cdnahge melplytoce in donw in n,wo ilfe 1ts2 aer ow(h my t,rle)te ot mi’ erya 32 gaiklnt ym psudie and htta uyo. Trswo eht tebs aeyr elif fo it aws dna ym. A a acpht wsa uorgh iahyrdtb ewer my ts12 huoghtr a’smo‘ynd trega dctheid my tno ginog me oen, sa ew. Dan snderfi cmoe meeprbtes ownd fo r,eay het lla okwn yaw tmhe ddi be yb titlel uldow taht i nay bmurniclg wutndo’l the wtih ti trgootuhhu i. Amek utb ofr ro ’iev sckoh tp,ues that yo,u su of tobh reicd ghtmi y,wror oyu guoehn ot’nd het. Ot lla ttah dan tanw oseetsmim olpeep ouy i mees hawt yeht enr’ta ,wonk. Ew esreial fo t1s2 rmof itlnu erya ilttle htat apts htta uoy just rsfloeu, era tkhni ym elppoe os tn’ddi teh yanm ttha onraud erhte os ti ear ew sreona rea ynstlcnoat. Etelisnny saol adeugrta uisidlac d’nitd htat i uto e,yra adn i derpdpo embcae. Pu hiwt i i it uwldo wnko to adn end hotgurh ym gto i otn woh a noit sooeemn blae evli vloe utothwi y…goa elspdpi who ddti’n life btu gbein fro wnefunod. Tmheillc ruo. Lief yuo in nad shit seh m,e love is viepcpretes thta ujst ym ihm do,rwl ulodw on ndgaech se’h gyrivheetn igrth lmotepcely. .
21: hugtoh eray i up ewnt iun nde dna 1s2t i ni grntiugada tafre a rduagdeta a off whit erya cabk in 0322 idd em, my ylju i. Be luowd doupr yuo os. Ma dorup i os. Aet,d maskr no asw fo ,no its’ ): coetnepirp ot dna eht my ifrst etisastdnori uoinllecngs einbg up my a needd a i nad eavncimhtee off gtsebgi wef.
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Liivng a needd eth up ,celhmilt btu it’s i iwth ,rdie been nomvig nda doeiicns rvee bets otu. Ragdnad dledmi ttisdrnsioea ym gritnwi nda slta lto t,hru a wsa re,ya ti thigr in of dedi ohsck a adn eth it. Dna ouy a dah you atht noshtm et,rlet i he of cplueo a aetfr etwor uc’dlnto oyu him uot ihsw go i at tbu eltl visti see rfate hmoe, ot udolc to docwnl,ko go lal nyyaaw cmeo oyu nad into him. Eelf hte kown has oruy ouy bda abck nevisreu i( ’notd wlil), os.
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I llet doluc whis ttah i oyu srteeh hntgsi. Dupro klie am owh fo ouy i. Ratel i to 4 in nerkdi fo swa you mmnote eitnads reysa wsih how hte i. I mrseipo ma btu oyu, lhnieag i. Dna i,ekl to ahtt hlea i us hant fo ma gineb mesfly ilhdc mofr nrien lfmsey rvee prtsa irwgokn ouefrls our i to rbbedo i dnot’ eirndk was to rnaidw on n,eeb am aevh ew tshoe heal. T!t!lere,) we se(y uor a ahev sephenw out i enhwsep lwle as on a ruoy ma sienec irgth ceuaesb 4 shgint itb ratef 31th elphde iiwtrng nda nda ’id ogipnm sa ’im leurnryct erhobrt nda n’reta ew wo,n nofud ittell siht yirbhdta gngio. But on einsogmht i ogwnrki hatt ma si. I rdbiuaones ’otdn ma lefe wrginok on urht itsh so omenayr we atht. Dohl dael ton are to ehotr si eyht soepple hitw tpxcsnoteeia s,u of ot ont oru rsuo ti nrpbiyioilsest. Nowk a higdnol of dna otl ru’eyo i thta. To ignltle okya ’mi tshgni hesot yuo ti’s odwn tup. ’tsi vloe yuo osaptnpidi lepope aoky to. Orsyu otn iterh ’sti flie, ’its bcaesue. Uyo on hsa dgoin hatw ertehy’ ielf to baucsee nto ltle ytaiaccp yoru eles odhlsu dan one het do’nshlut uyo iligvn eb. Iylerta yteh ot ahtw yoru wntesisse era oseeascisrc gnido ’reuoy to are lal ttha. Thngoni em tesratm. Uwodl userivne it fi vhae the ush’ovdle illw dah,enppe kb,ac it avhe yuro. Idsnoesic ti adem yna i adn htta nva’hte hmtlicle i yllfu p(raat iosmper uyo hutoiwt ngtkniih ftisr rtguohh rofm. . Nca esacu who tigfh )oelv?. Be aydnosm eisnfrd lla hrdeyfxapiet i wnko sthi eth on trlete us of uto tno of hwit ’ullyo nigbe. Cefor ni file tbu yuo ntc’a itsngh iths. Utb caeh ehrety’ ti odgo htroe doog dnt’o hyet were orf etyh not rof tno nkow su,. Eht weer aer ucmh vngie are vloe eivcered bettre of ehdnrpiisf tepy os adn hnta you so awht you mchu uoy nda htrow rome dan. Us oeshc it gineb yeth auecesb tktaca na uyor and are rapliesnyot no to i uor m)e het ghnsit whis oot to (cwhih ofdloelw na ayod,snm si ti edlmab hnwe i ottiuhw ihienrsfpd dolwael den but ,out other ays ot hte wdrkaaw was ulodc waht ocme yhet edn uct hnet ot. Draette fo lkei owhrt aer yuo hte not twhi plpeoe lal you snsnsetia ’yeuor neon vhe’tey veuyo’ the tworh stlo sucbeae odwr,l ithgiknn hwen is rea but dna uotba. I gbnei rtfuue wohrty us ot adn ou,y fe,msyl nnietd pesnd eth in days my fo.
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Oyrsr, i’m.
M,e apseel ofrievg.
Yo,u hktna.
Leov i you.
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Vel,o.
Old x me ayer 23.

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