A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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,ltrete) ym uipdse nad ni ttah ni rea m’i wh(o s21t adgnehc giktnla ,onw ot yuo lcyemtlpeo 23 eary ifle onwd my. Ryae lefi nda of ym ti wsa bset orstw eht. Adtihbyr inogg y’odams‘n n,oe ym tno hpatc a me a t12s swa as arteg ewre rugho we houtrhg iedhdct ym. Kwon lla that htwi of yaw i idd the ittlle eb nsfiedr nad l’dwtnuo ti erbepmste wdolu odnw coem ayn i het tmhe yb lmrignubc rtuoguthho e,ayr. Ohtb tbu oyu fro ,uoy ghtmi ognuhe t’nod ro make csokh teh ro,wyr iev’ ttha iredc ,tsuep su fo. Hatt eppole ahwt adn ownk, ’aretn esem i you tmosesemi lal awtn yeth ot. Jtsu untli ew ti os of teh tpas rea atht itn’dd ttah ear are uoy odaurn popeel yanm 2t1s raey htnki ttah nsoear nyalttscon my os teehr fomr ,oelrsfu tetill we reealis. Dan poprded nt’idd thta yseleintn tuo ecaemb i ryea, i csuidila soal adutgera. I ’intdd kown lvei …oagy oitn whit oeonsme woittuh it owh a i lsepdpi tbu efnnoudw feli ym rof lwodu ned how bale i evol trhuogh ot tgo nad nto ibeng up. Cmlltihe our. No veespicterp eahgcdn loev jtsu ym seh’ ervhetniyg olplymecte atth e,m in iefl esh ouy isht and mhi is ,ldorw itrgh louwd. .
Lujy nde :12 idd i 0223 me, my off a tihw in back pu t2s1 newt in gaardeudt gtohuh earft i ryea dan a raye aungrtadig nui i. Os luwod uoy be roupd. I ma roupd so. Dna ecieprntpo pu ’tis a no ,on wfe eht off my a gnnsleiuloc sgigbet nda tsrif msakr ceahimentev of aws aionetdirsst bigen i ednde :) to ym da,te.
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Dan tbu i tihw eendd esbt invgli ebne si’t tcheml,il oivngm eth otu endicsio a vree d,eri pu. Tlo gnrddaa it adn nad a of in aws deid irwngit it rth,u slta a my dmldei ttoinearssid thigr hosck ar,ye hte. Ludco wsih a lla ese of ta copelu letl utb eeltt,r rotwe atht go ot dha a tvisi i ftaer tnhmso i nad hmi moce uto cdoolw,kn afrte ywnaya he nda og him you me,ho ntio to locu’dtn you you uoy. I( eviuensr cbka oyu konw dab hsa ,li)wl eefl hte t’ond os rouy.
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Tlle tsignh tath oyu i siwh i eesrth ucdlo. Fo rdupo klei ma i owh uoy. Ierndk ealrt in ot i i staendi eth ihws uoy 4 tmonem swa owh ysrea of. I tub ahelign meospir i am ,uoy. I lsmeyf sfelmy am gebni saw to uro fuersol anth ot inern drekni hale rndiaw adn rvee no us of i thta etohs rbebod spart am od’tn ew hldic ot vahe ee,bn i mfor aelh e,lki inrkgwo. Aybtihdr ew lwel bit ehva a and rte’na t13h nlrrcueyt uoyr am di’ esnphew tuo tirwign on rihtg hnseepw sa i ’mi a oigpmn ruo ew tnghis dofnu w,no letilt ys(e esinec nad hsit ceeusba nda 4 efart as ephdel ggnio r)tle!,t!e rohebtr. Tath i but am goshmneti on gnwokir si. Taht on’td rhut so orgkniw eymarno ew ma ueirbdaons i eefl on siht. Uor it tno peepsol theor sitpanexetco ot dlho ilnptisroibyse with dlae yhet to rae fo si srou ,su otn. Odglhni nda ’ueyor i a atht fo ownk tlo. Oaky to oyu owdn upt eohts tis’ igntsh m’i ltlngie. Si’t uoy to yoak plepoe apspidotin velo. If,el uascebe hietr rsyuo ist’ ’tsi otn. Ltel lusdoh ot noe ndlusth’o digno be teh else ahs hwta oyu ont on you cubaese ielf oyur nvigli nda ctiacpay yhe’etr. Sstneeisw cescresaois ot waht lla thta era ot oruy ndogi oeuyr’ elrtyai rae yhte. Em masrett ntonihg. Liwl ti if neivreus lodwu ti shvue’old ab,kc uoyr aehv eahv the appedh,ne. Rpiosem tfsir lechtlmi huhrtog from fyllu p(arta mdea uttowih yan uoy haten’v i it tath nad nkihgint i ieicnosds. . Ohw eacsu ftgih can e)vo?l. Bgine nsyodam of itsh su lla nfdeisr on tou of eeltrt ihftdepyxrae eth wtih i uyll’o nowk ont be. Elif ni tacn’ hsti sitnhg ecrof but you. Rfo not wnko reet’hy tno it toher ache odgo ’ontd tehy fro were oodg su, btu heyt. Uyo ewer ouy etrebt cdeverei nda hwotr umch eht ucmh geinv htaw of etpy rea aer rmoe dna htna hieidsrfnp so os uyo olve dna. And ot caebeus dlambe it iswh rouy stgihn rdaawkw oot su m)e tu,o edn ethy ot ysa meco teh ot eohrt hte but ruo otutiwh i folwledo edn na ot tcu ylporsneiat kctaat ahwt an nhte ihhwc( i is ti ehnw aws chose on nbieg cdulo lodwlea samd,yon hety era iinfrshdep. Eth of adn lal wlrdo, nhew thwor tederta nnseissta btu stol ehtvey’ not you teh is owhtr cubease ’yvueo rae atbou plpoee hwit ear giitnknh ikel enno oyu r’oyeu. Sdpne inebg su dtinne in my ruuetf dna u,yo het fo i ot ryhtwo dasy elsy,mf.
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S,yrro ’im.
Sleeap e,m fiorvge.
Nthka ,yuo.
Oevl ouy i.
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Le,vo.
X 32 dol me reay.