September 2011

Peaceful right?

Hey, kiddo. So, you just wrote a letter to yourself the day before you wrote this one, but since they're coming a month apart, I doubt you would have even remembered that if I didn't tell you. Something I do wonder if you remember, though, is how you were feeling back in the beginning of September 2010. Probably not...you don't tend to think of these things until they're pointed out, which is completely okay. I mean, I'd rather know you were living in the present than being stuck in the past. Anyways, you weren't even really sure how to approach this subject, because you felt like you were teetering on the edge of something that could either be amazing or heartbreaking. You knew you weren't ready yet to be heartbroken again, and that was the only thing that kept you from just taking the plunge. Well, no it wasn't. Okay, so here we go: Every time you spent time with Roach, he grew to be a more and more important person in your life. You grew to like him more and more. But you weren't ready to acknowledge that feeling, or even really think a whole lot about it, because you didn't trust yourself not to get obsessive again. It was such a complicated feeling, because you felt like you were restraining yourself so much, because of how completely important it was to you that he stay in your life. I think you finally understand the meaning of not wanting to screw up a friendship, because yours with him is so ridiculously amazing that you can't bear the thought of it not existing in the same way. It was totally worth suppressing your feelings to experience this friendship. I hope you still feel that way. Well, actually, I hope that he is still in your life in some way. Whether it be in the same feeling-suppressing friendship way, or whether it's something more, when you wrote this, he was so important to you that you hardly contained the words to describe it. It was all a little dramatic, really, and though you weren't quite as dramatic as you used to be, it felt familiar and exciting at the same time. I love you, hon. Sorry to babble your ear off about old things. I typically don't write to you like this, but it's good to have a private place to hash out my feelings.

Epilogue

about 17 hours later

Dear lovely wonderful self,

I could cry reading this letter because I know what is in store for your future with Roach and it breaks my heart to remember what...

Hmi whti thgrhuo bnee 'oeyvu. ,arf nteier eht d(na ltlsi ftrea tte,ler rotwe bset orad of oenegl-kw otnmh and ihm ti eewk thiw a a uyo lfie koot was by pg,ae ot is) oyru itsh uyo itpr. Htnki tujs. . . Ovel utsj adn opeepl the tihw otms eth yo,u gpea caoh,r ewek an teiern yuo. Emard a talk taobu. .
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Llitte trtasde dfrit a you tbi to taht rtfea. Mer,ecedb whihc adem adn ni hsi of him ouy tou you spidtu a taelr feil ot niutgct snoeicdi lde. Usjt htat iekl. Teh i emerrmeb o,h felngie lslti. Swa ti the a blborpay paicn taaktc nbee ot tsseclo wev'e evre. Hguricsn aws it. Adn kiel wnet chets oint yuo lla boss oyur ul'dntco and rsutb re,eahtb uoyr nseke ogeihstmn uheg stju kawe adn on wsa uoy. Het eht bene uoy you srweho, ma ehav ludow dgronu ot ont in dah pioistve dna i ealfln. Trcidmaa ti so it onsusd aws ebuscea. .
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Iingzrlae ti oyu uyo to ,now oyu on mtrtpnioa ahve utihtow woh htat eavh iaed eh ceombe cuold enve. Kabc up tuwihot ekli fo rheet he ti rissnoipem asw ni rouy rdoo adn harte inredeesc koto teh cksun uoyr. A ownk unlti tkea ouy eh to he ukhsnc edmov no angdaem ihm rqttseua twhi adn geuh dan herat fo it yuro i'dntd aws.
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You him wsa byairdht het ltas eitm saw uryo. Hsi mih lal uoy ootk fo kacb tnhisg. Enedop otok odor shi hte he o,bx lscode ,doro adn teh. Was it taht. .
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Ewre so drah eth ot thnmos wloolf. Oyu yanrg ta eadhrttse, ihm bad yruo with to yngar weer rfo lusferoy neeb kagnim i,t yectpemlol antshtegir genib nda ta cmhu ttah sinesdoci haert rof eenv nda nad ahd cnargi orf. .
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Sa loyitamolen ouy lliayycshp mih eveal na edsu to scxeue enivlag. Nra you yawa. Ilat ar,n webntee izoarna oruy lges, ot. Of dsnoce drei left iarnt eyrev ahtt gownr nda. No hte to ot a s'esistr sak yoru fo dan er'ouy dettxe ngvahi kcba iaftatcsn dhuosl nsrfeid disa uyo nda fi gbine r'oeuy ihtbrady tme,i dlocu ahve two ee,rh on uyo onw ouy nda erev eh go. .
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Try a ti thrwo siad swa oyu. Ouy idter. Aigan rueyo' own itfngrdi. Lliw ouy od a atht to konw mlsei 0200, f,endsihpri. Go eth adn eyth to own whti veah ahce eewr htta bayrel to levi fboere teh ftca akcb thngis onacttc ocnatn ouy you ,rthoe way. Adn ni lnog htan deipnrih,fs up dan yn,ysaaw a gnoihtn duy'o wrdan htiw tbu falinup fo elshl eht tuo 'youll den haretr beamy evha way oermfr that a. .
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Teh dhra wy,a hcar always tghsin yuo idd od.
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Nweeebt ma thsign yrsor wot ouy endurt yaw hte sthi i of tuo dyoenb atht. Tlafibuue uyro uodcl it ihm losu wsa grasp idrensfhpi so yhalrd hitw ihmsgnoet ryuo. Adn sddetoyer wsa it. .
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Im' ysrro. I yuo voel. Teiaepdprac dalg mhi oyu maetn ot mhcu to uoy aedr am dna i who yitnrgehve he. F,uynn iuonastits nad i'ts elfi os and ptrimeamnen woh elpeop rea. .
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To i oyu ldcuo shiw i og abkc. Ouy to amke so hte oens evyer vhea him tihw ulodc ltel are i asecbeu ncou,t ouy ieldimt i dsneco hswi. .
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M'i orsry.

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