September 2011

Peaceful right?

Hey, kiddo. So, you just wrote a letter to yourself the day before you wrote this one, but since they're coming a month apart, I doubt you would have even remembered that if I didn't tell you. Something I do wonder if you remember, though, is how you were feeling back in the beginning of September 2010. Probably not...you don't tend to think of these things until they're pointed out, which is completely okay. I mean, I'd rather know you were living in the present than being stuck in the past. Anyways, you weren't even really sure how to approach this subject, because you felt like you were teetering on the edge of something that could either be amazing or heartbreaking. You knew you weren't ready yet to be heartbroken again, and that was the only thing that kept you from just taking the plunge. Well, no it wasn't. Okay, so here we go: Every time you spent time with Roach, he grew to be a more and more important person in your life. You grew to like him more and more. But you weren't ready to acknowledge that feeling, or even really think a whole lot about it, because you didn't trust yourself not to get obsessive again. It was such a complicated feeling, because you felt like you were restraining yourself so much, because of how completely important it was to you that he stay in your life. I think you finally understand the meaning of not wanting to screw up a friendship, because yours with him is so ridiculously amazing that you can't bear the thought of it not existing in the same way. It was totally worth suppressing your feelings to experience this friendship. I hope you still feel that way. Well, actually, I hope that he is still in your life in some way. Whether it be in the same feeling-suppressing friendship way, or whether it's something more, when you wrote this, he was so important to you that you hardly contained the words to describe it. It was all a little dramatic, really, and though you weren't quite as dramatic as you used to be, it felt familiar and exciting at the same time. I love you, hon. Sorry to babble your ear off about old things. I typically don't write to you like this, but it's good to have a private place to hash out my feelings.

Epilogue

about 17 hours later

Dear lovely wonderful self,

I could cry reading this letter because I know what is in store for your future with Roach and it breaks my heart to remember what...

Utgohhr with nebe uev'oy mih. Ookt fo wrote and( teh hits flie )is ltre,te by uyo ohnmt it ot kelnogwe- a wsa estb oyu yrou hmi ardo rfeta ltisl adn eekw a agep, erenit tpri ihtw ar,f. Jstu nitkh. . . Hte otsm eekw whit eppole o,harc and oyu uy,o ienetr lvoe geap an sujt het. A tkla mreda uobat. .
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A to ttah rtdfi lletit tib yuo rftea artsted. Uoy del a of to otu ilef rdeecemb, ltear chihw in and hsi mih ceiindso usdtip gntuitc amde uyo. Thta iekl sujt. Eeerrbmm i eelgfin oh, istll eth. Bene the barlboyp npiac 'eewv a ot wsa it atkact sltoesc erev. Saw nrsgicuh ti. Jstu on otin royu scteh lla eskne nda stbur nda barehte, you ln'tudco sgmineoht ekwa etwn liek uryo asw obss eguh and oyu. Rngdou soitievp am been in ot oyu llnafe had uyo not eahv ouldw sohr,ew teh adn i eth. Cdmtaira sdunso ti beceasu os aws it. .
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Hvea eida on ttha ouy dcuol evah uoy htoiuwt omecbe izgelarin ti enve uoy ot owh now, eh rpttianom. Reeht eth orod noimpssire asw ni wtohitu oruy okot cnsuk adn diseceren eh lkei it thare oury cbka of up. To uoy twih tulin amagdne yruo nd'tdi mih knwo nchksu it eh he nad dmove no fo swa a adn huge ahert aertsqut etak.
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Yuro bayrhtdi hmi wsa you swa meit lsta eth. Lla ckba his fo hmi oyu ishgnt ktoo. He eepnod ish eht eth ,doro rdoo ktoo oeldsc nda ,obx. Htat wsa it. .
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Rewe eht to hdra os nohmst wolflo. Rgany and intgathrse adb that gnibe ouy thiw ewer ather mhi soiceidns ta osreyufl orf i,t cmhu aryng at vnee ryou ot nkmgia rnagic for nad eben etrhte,sda pmoltyecle nda had fro. .
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Mhi euds aymeotoinll ilnvgae veeal as suxece cayplsliyh uyo an ot. Ran away uoy. Nweeetb ,anr ot ailt s,egl zaonria uroy. Eervy of htta ndcose adn narti ried norgw eflt. Nigbe cattisanf ry'eou ot you to uyo nwo ettxde nda kcba he haev eyro'u og tie,m ask on oury vhaing two adtrhybi ,hree oyu 'ssstier a the if sndirfe dna olhusd sadi ever no dcolu of nad. .
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Ti ytr wsa disa yuo a whtro. Rdeti oyu. Nfiitgrd now ye'ruo naagi. Od to 0,002 a imlse nokw iwll taht ouy priei,shdnf. Htiw yeth ot het viel abkc ylerab thta uoy ayw tacf haev eewr ncocatt the eh,otr uyo annoct nwo aehc adn ot ithgns rebofe go. Tbu eavh that pu odyu' eht dan oerfmr a a onthgin ,seindhirpf aeybm dna ni rhatre way out lfpaiun oy'llu htan of thiw glon wrnad ansyaw,y nde elshl. .
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Yuo a,wy idd sithgn od drha yswaal cahr het.
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Thsi tath i fo rnduet odyneb rosyr wya nthigs wot ma hte wteeebn uot oyu. So rhlyad ihm uryo ragps ti psrdinheif ulso ludco mothisegn uory lutufbaei saw twih. Aws edydsrteo dan it. .
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Royrs im'. Olve i yuo. Yuo enegiryhtv eh cuhm prieecaadpt anemt am him hwo nad edar ot adgl ouy i to. Dan n,nfyu ttiaisonus lfei nirptemneam os ti's dan hwo peelop aer. .
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I oclud ckba you ot swih i og. I idmeilt ouy wihs i eltl to eusaebc oyu kmea hte are duloc rveye enso codesn n,tuco have with so him. .
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Rsoyr 'mi.

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