A letter from February 11th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I watched Violet Evergarden today, from the 4th episode up to the 10th. It's been a while since I watched anime. A year or two. I can't tell. I've been losing track of time. I chose VE for a reason. Because I myself don't really understand what "I love you" really means. I don't know how to live by myself. I don't know what to do with myself. I need orders. I need someone to mold me so that I can at least live knowing what to do, my life in their hands. But I'm left on my own now. Maybe it's freedom, or maybe I'm abandoned. I don't know. I don't really know why I stopped watching things that made me feel, or read books that spurred my passion. Maybe it was the emptiness that kept growing until I had to drown myself in petty distractions I don't remember the next morning because I don't want to think, I don't know how to live. All I know is that I feel so so muddled all the time. It's hard for me to imagine a life out this swirl of pain and longing. I want to be taken away. I miss them a lot. I want to touch someone. I want to hug someone. I just want to lie next to them. Last week, there was a get together with the girl group. We made popiah and spring rolls. I cut the vegetables up along with them, and cried over cutting onions. And that simple thing made me so happy for the rest of the week. I want to hug someone. Some days are fine, even happy almost, and I can laugh and smile. But most days, I can barely hear myself speak because I've gotten so used to being quiet. Or yelling. A lot of harsh words that come out because I just want to left alone. I'd like to tell you I've been doing well, but it's been difficult since- and I acknowledge this- I've been disconnected from my mind. I live like a zombie. And yet, I'm still trying to find a way to live. Maybe this can be a start. I lived a bit more through Violet. Even if I still don't know what love means, and I still haven't figured out how to live by myself yet. I want to fight for myself. I want to fight for you. And hopefully, when you get this letter, I'm still fighting. I'm better. I'm going to try and learn all I can. Because this period, too, will pass soon. I used to be so excited for time, you know? Now...I'm scared of it. I don't want to be, and a small part of me is ANGRY that I'm scared, and wants to scream at me to go go go get my butt moving. I started drawing perspective today. I want to start drawing more often. And writing. More and more. I want to see what kind of voice I have, what color I am. I want to burn passionately. I don't want to die in my regret. That is the me of 1:18AM, 2/12/20. Please, take care of me.