A letter from January 5th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I took this psychological test and it said there I have greater perseverance than most people. 10 times more even! Even when it's impossible I still keep trying. I didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing. I still don't know which one it is. It feels like a bad thing, but I hope, I really, really hope it would be a good thing. My dreams feel like it's slipping off my fingers. My dream that I had where this familiar place was all of a sudden starting to get filled up with water. It feels like that. I feel like I have nowhere to go. I tried to commit suicide not too long ago. But my dog was licking my fingers and I couldn't bear watching him watch me die. I heard dogs get PTSD too. I don't want him to bear that for the rest of his life. I guess I wanted him to see me slowly die. I heard it was the only way for them to understand death. I wanted him to know I'm not gonna be back anymore but... I wasn't sure if it would give him PTSD instead. So here I am living another day. But I don't know anymore, I don't know anymore. I don't know if I should just give up now, let others say "see, I told you so." I wish I took the easier route, chose a major that would give my parents happiness. I think that would've made my life more bearable. At least even if I end taking my life, at least I made them happy and proud even for a little while. Because now that I realize that holding unto this dream would cost me more. It would cost me everything. I wish I didn't believe it when they told me I could be whatever I wanted to be. I wish I wasn't so persevering. I hope I could be happy for once. Like, truly happy.