A letter from November 12th, 2019

Dear FutureMe, Life is up in the air. I wish I knew how to ground myself instantly. But I don't. I can only practice feeling grounded using the tools that I have. You know, meditation, yoga, etc. Only thing is... I'm lazy. And frustrated. I'm frustrated probably because I'm lazy. But I've always been lazy. Or maybe lazy isn't the word. I'm sluggish. I get so exhausted. I'm TERRIFIED. Really. Every opportunity initially frightens me until I feel as though I've come up with the idea myself a year later. I. Have. Anxiety. Don't we all? Yes. What's the common denominator? Probably our phones. Which, by the way, I am very very very addicted to. I give up on life 5-10 times a day and immediately sink into Instagram. Yeah. I don't know what to do. I am suffocating myself and my own ideas. I am suffocating my potential and my future and/or current success. I want to scream. (I literally just stopped writing for a second and wanted to get on my phone so badly. Is it because of the emotions I just felt? Am I constantly stunting my own personal emotional growth by CONSTANTLY scrolling through Instagram and smoking weed every night?) Ryan and I are going to get an apartment together. With what money, you ask? Well, currently, I don't have any. I am so scared. Everyone is doing the same thing and the world is overpopulated. Sometimes it feels like there's no room for me. No money for me. Everything is too loud and my voice is quiet. It hurts to speak any louder than I am. So I try and fall back into the shadows of it all. Once again sabotaging my own life.