A letter from January 5th, 2019

Dear Me at 25, Ok well, here I am at Kris's apartment in Philadelphia on January 5th of the new year. The week has felt really long and strangely dreamlike. Yesterday I drank too much and woke up with an intense hangover that has lasted all day, my body hurts and I'm almost glad for it because I want to have an excuse to do nothing today. To stop trying because I feel like nothing I do will get me any closer to my dreams, whatever they are. I'm almost 24 and I feel this scary urgency that I'm missing out on life, that I'm not doing enough or working hard enough, or just letting my emotions pull me down, my anxiety to anchor me and trap me in my mind where everything looks so so bleak. Today I feel so worthless, ugly, and that I'm taking up space. I don't know why my brain feels like it's sick, but it is. My art looks hideous and childish and I feel horribly untalented and futile in my efforts. I know that this is just my brain sickness talking but sometimes I can't tell what is the real me. I hope you are somewhat closer to finding out because at this moment in my life I feel formless, empty, beaten down, and like I have nothing to offer. The world looks fake to me, like I could just pass my hand through a solid object, people look fake and like puppets or something. Clearly I've been struggling, and to make it worse I thought the passing of a new year would somehow make me feel better or renewed or something but of course it's just another stupid day. I'm always broke, I still live with my parents, and I occasionally have really dark thoughts. Even my own family feels strange to me at times. The last time I saw Eliana I felt a weird disconnection from her, and I'm afraid the connection we had in college is fading. I desperately want my life to fit the image I have in my head, of this saturated and well designed set, perfectly grainy and colored like an old french film or 70s picture. And why am I so attracted to that aesthetic anyway? A voice in my head keeps whispering to me that I'm better off alone and that I will never truly feel the connection I want with anyone and that any relationship I have, romantic or not will never live up to my expectations. That Kris will just be one of these people in my past that was kinda fun to hang out with but ultimately it will mean nothing. Are you still dating him? Does it still feel the same as it does now? I really hope not, or at least I hope that part of your life is somehow more figured out than it is now. Maybe you'll just always need to be truly independent. I feel like I live in a bubble filled with fog. I have no sense of my body and when I look in the mirror my reflection looks vaguely familiar. I frequently loose interest in things. I think I'm depressed but almost have accepted that this is how my life is going to be and I'm just going to have to try my best to see through the fog. Time is passing me by and I feel like I've barely done anything worth noting. How sad. I hope that you have at least done something worth noting, but on the other hand, who's to say what is success or not. Right now I feel this intense urge to just escape, in any way I can, but I can't figure out if i'm just trying to run away or if it's a genuine interest in seeing the world. I have so many romantic notions, and the biggest one is being able to capture it all on 35mm film. I know I'm an artist but I dont feel like one. I do feel slightly more confident in my drawing and painting, but I know I still have a very very long way to go. My deepest desire is to live freely in perfect harmony with nature or with the natural rhythm of life or something like that. I feel trapped in this notion of having to succeed by some societal standard. Sometimes I fear that my life will just go to waste and nothing all that productive will come out of it. But why should it, it's just my life and I can live it any way I want right? Sometimes I feel thirst for those deeply emotionally bonding moments that I've had with some people and I wonder how real they were, or if I just make a bunch of things up in my head. Sometimes I feel that my relationship with Kris will never be what I want and if I stay with him I would have to settle with not much more than a close friendship and companion, someone I can laugh with once in a while but not someone I can connect with on a deeply emotional and creative level that I want. But maybe that's an impossible thing to ask for. Because maybe my 'art' will always come first anyway, and even if I found someone like that I will find something I fundamentally dislike about them too. It's so painful. And then there are my parents. Sometimes I feel completely strange around them, and I know that they hardly know me and maybe that's alright. I hope they live out the rest of their days without much trouble. To be honest I hate that I care so much sometimes, and that seeing some things causes me such pain. I don't know what will happen to you, but I know that you will be very different than how you are now. Because I feel so different than how I was, but at the same time completely the same which in some ways in depressing. I hope you've worked hard at something you want, and I hope you've actually figured out what you want. I hope you took the risks you needed to take. I really really hope you didn't let fear stop you from achieving your potential. If nothing else, I want this year to be the year we took a leap of faith, a real one, and went all in on something, whatever it is. I want you to travel on your own terms. I want you to stop being lazy and just do the freaking thing, and learn the things you need to learn. I want you to stop making excuses, but also give yourself a freaking break and cry when you need to. And about feeling like you're missing out, life might feel short but it is long and you can still do so much. And you will. I've always be here in the past and I'll always have your back. Love, S