A letter from August 26th, 2018

Gabrielle, This is what your first ‘relationship’ was like. And I use the term “relationship” lightly because at the time you wrote this you were a tender fourteen years old, and you’re probably looking back at this now like “Ah, she/I was so naive” or “yeah you were right about knowing nothing about love.” And yeah that’s basically how it’s gone, ha. Hopefully things are still good with you and Rafael. He’s the one who this is about. Rafael Joseph Joseph Virador, the guy who’s been on your mind for an entire year, the guy who’d you have never in a million years thought would call you his ‘girlfriend’. Yeah, cringe all you want, I’m actually pretty hesitant to this, too. I always told myself that I’d never be one of those corny relationships that (barely) teens have in early high school/lmiddle, but here I am. I always thought that he’d want to ‘take it slow; (yeah cringe all you want, again) he’d essentially preached about not getting a girlfriend until college, nevertheless being seemingly uninterested in starting a relationship with me, of all people. He’s kind, considerate, and sometimes -admittedly- a pain in the butt, but I say that without meaning it too seriously. He is… or he was, depending how things are now, everything I want in a guy. But I feel bad, because I haven’t exactly been returning his feelings. I like it when he holds my wrist, when he looks at me from under his bangs in an expression that I can’t seem to describe in words. Yet I completely reject his hugs and when he looks at me when we’re walking around aimlessly (Do you still do that now?) I can’t seem to hold his gaze. Is it crazy that I can’t seem to let him lead me by the wrist? I always shake my hand loose for no reason at all. He calls me his ‘Tap Water’ and he is my ‘Perfect Suburb Republican’. Memes were kind of a big thing back then, Gabrielle. He watches kid cartoons and it’s adorable because he’s not afraid to gush about watching My Little Pony with his brothers (I wonder where they are now) (and yeah, you actually liked this guy, believe it or not). He has gorgeous brown eyes and he has this high pitched laugh that’s really stupid but I light up everytime I hear it. He smiles at my “salmon shorts” text messages as he looks around to see me when we meet up, and I can’t keep a smile off of my face whenever I see him at the start of our ‘hang out…. Well, I guess I have to call these dates, now. God, I hope things have cleared up for you. I can’t help but hope that we’re still together at this point; Growing, securing our spot in college, maybe even at the brink of saying goodbye. Remember that book/movie everyone was hyped about, “To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before”? I don’t want it to be like Margot and Josh, as stupid as it sounds. I’ve always been so worried about want happens after High School, what happens after we get too busy to go out every other weekend and send each other stupid means and call each other for no reason and stay up until 1 am. Because this guy, Gabrielle, this guy has done a lot for you. You’ve gone to a real low if somehow you’ve joined the wrong crowd and ended things for the both of you, I’ve been stressing about mashing into the wrong group in high school. I hope you haven’t let him do the same, either. Yeah I sound like a mom, and yeah, you’re probably having an overwhelming amount of cringe wash over you right now, but Gabrielle, this guy shaped you. I can’t even convey how upset I’d be if things have gone wrong at this point (and I don’t understand why my mind is immediately going to ‘what if he’s dead by the time I read this again). Maybe we’re just being stupid teenagers, maybe it wasn’t even supposed to work out at all. I don’t know. At this moment, August twenty-fifth, two-thousand-eighteen, I want to do everything with him. I hope things haven’t gone to waste. I hope you’re doing alright. Gabrielle Hester.