Maybe I should be honest.

Dear Latifa, I never wanted to write this. That was a lie. My last lie I will write down. When you were about 9. Something happened to you that changed you. Well, you didn’t understand it then. But you do now. I hope you forget about it. Because right now I can’t. Ever since that day I have lost trust in everyone I know. Even though it’s not their fault. But, why did they have to leave that day and leave me alone with them. Why did my he no check if I was okay? It’s not their fault. They don’t know. They will never know and that’s fine. Isn’t it? When you were 10. You felt lonely didn’t you? YouTube was one of the things that kept you happy. That’s fine. Hearing her voice was nice. She was always so bubbly. Even so, I hope one day you accept the fact that she is dead and it’s fine. Get over it. When you were 12, you lost a friend. You dreamt of seeing her and hugging her. Well, I don’t think it will happen. I guess you can prove me wrong if so. You treated her awfully. I did. Did I mean to? I was a kid I didn’t know. How should I have know that one day she would just disappear and leave me a single note. How stupid. Please tell me. Will you ever forget? I’m starting to wonder if not for the glass photo. Would I have forgotten her face? I remember her looking like a cute hamster. Please tell me you didn’t lose it. It’s fine When I was 14, I had my first friend. I guess I pushed her away. Why was I so mean? Maybe if I was a better friend she would have stayed. Maybe if I was a better friend the things that happened to her wouldn’t have happened. She says she will come next year. Why did I say her not to? Was I scared? If I have the chance I will want to talk to her. But it’s fine. I met her in eighth grade. She was interesting. When she told me about her aunt I was speechless. What could I have said? She changed ever since. To be honest, i am afraid to lose her. She is the only person I trust and want to stay with. But why? If that is my feeling why did I lose my chance to stay more with her? Was I afraid? Am I just too self districtive that I can’t trust myself to stay with her and not distroy the friendship that we have? I just don’t want to lose her. I was jealous when she made a new friend. I thought you will leave me. Maybe Im just insecure. I am a child. Aren’t I? I hope she is still my friend. Isn’t she? I hope it’s fine. Mom, I love you. But I can’t show you that for some reason. I act nice for you to be happy but I am sure you know I am acting. I am sorry I can’t show my emotions well. Dad, even though you were never a part of my life. Once I was 13, I thought I would give you a chance. Even though you scared me that night and made me lose all trust in you. I will act happy in front of you till you die peacefully I hope knowing that your daughter likes you. Even if it might not be true. But I am never going to be able to grief well knowing who you were. I might lose myself and believe you were a great father. But it will never be true. I am sorry what more can I ask from you one would ask. You provided a House for me to live in what more do I want? Well, I guess nothing. I think it’s fine. Brother, I am constantly embarrassed by you. That’s why I dislike being with you for a while. That changed I accepted it and tried to get close to you and I like to think I am. But both of us are bad at communicating our feelings so I hope one day we will. It will be fine Dear A, I can’t lie. I am not close to you anymore. I don’t hate you. How can I hate you? We were friends since birth. Almost like sisters I guess. Even though what you did to me was wrong and I should be mad, sad and frustrated. But I am not. I know you were at a hard time of your life. I was afraid you would end it. That’s why i forgave you so fast. Maybe too fast that my heart couldn’t heal probably. I still can’t get close to you yet. It’s a little bit hard you see. I have become so used of being far from you I am not sure I can handle being like before. We both changed. Maybe we will return like before. It’s not fine. Dear S, even if I disliked you when we were young. I grew to relize that now you are the closest person to me. And I hope for you the best. I hope you stay by me forever and never forget about me. Because, I never will. It’s good Dear dad(again), you have lost a dear friend. A family friend of 20 years. He was young. The way he ended it was awful. I still can’t process it. I am sad. He was good. He once said he would teach me to drive. Why didn’t I say yes? It’s frustrating. Dear exams, fudge you! It’s definitely not fine!! Dear math teacher, I hope I never forget how bad you were at teaching!! Dear arabic teacher, you have a big heart. Everyone knew. Not many people like you. Please stay that way.We need people like you. Well, I guess I would be lying if i said that was all. But I am happy to be able to say this. I hope I don’t end it all. I hope I stay strong. I hope you will be able to live on being happy and not isolated. It’s going to be fine. -Past me