A letter from January 27th, 2018

Dear FutureMe, hello. i'm the 16 years old you. honestly, you haven't made any process in turning you depression into something not so subtle, and it's already been 4 years now. you used to be a whole lot more suicidal, sure. but right now your pain is so deeply inside of you that you can't even breathe sometimes, don't you feel ashamed? you should have learned to let it out by now, because even though you can't express yourself you're still addicted to medicine at this young age. ookay enough of it. in 2017 you didn't make new friends or went out more often. you almost did, actually. you dressed yourself with your brand new skinny jeans in the first semester of the year and then ended up in your bed all dressed up because you simply couldn't leave the house. you got over the ***** of your cat. you still feel the empty space inside your heart everytime someone -rarely- mentions him, but you don't feel like crying anymore. you didn't write in 2017. you could not finish reading any book. your headaches and back pain got worse. but you started to draw. it takes you to another state of mind but it ends way too fast because you're never satisfied. in december you had a lot of pain to deal with. you cried a lot and you couldn't sleep. it felt like somethig was stretching your chest open and the feeling was so real it scared you. the deep grief lasted three weeks. you cried in the shower during this 21 days. you took lots of pills on the first day. you got drunk. you got two ear piercings so you could feel the pain without being the cause of it. you felt the grief for two years in a row. your cat is dead. he is dead. but you're not, okay? i'm sorry. you wrote a letter to the future in 2016 and you were so hopeful that you were going to be okay the next year yet you didn't. i think your english has improved, or not. you're better at reading than at writing though. i know life is improbable and there's a lot of ways to die and it is possible that i won't be alive next year to read this but please if i do... i want you to read some more stuff. breathe stop feeling like a nuisance all the ******* time slow down with the pills don't feel ashamed of your body it's okay not to shave, stop feeling like you're supposed to shave your head take care of yourself. it is going to be even harder because of college, but you can make it through i always finish the letter with the phrase: "i don't love you from here, do you love me there?" (try reading some books, you used to be pretty good at it) (and think some more about traveling abroad, you don't want to die in brazil just because you can't leave the house) it's okay, you did well.