A letter from November 27th, 2017

Dear FutureMe, So much has happened for such a short time. Who would've thought that I'll meet a guy, fall in love with him, and almost lose him to ***** four times, all within the span of four months? He was, different. He was something else altogether. You know a person who tries so hard to remain strong through every hurricane that hits his life, who would never allow anyone to see his weakness and instead makes them praise him thinking he's so invincible... He's like that. Painting himself a false outer facade, when deep inside he's really just a child, mentally abused and left alone with no one to look after him and guide him through the most difficult stage of his life... He entered my life, ever so casually that I didn't even notice it until he was right inside. I didn't even notice it until he's become a huge part of me that I was afraid to lose him forever. He took care of me, looked after me, and made me depend on him so much that I couldn't do the simplest things if he's not there to help me or guide me or just BE THERE with me. And then he said he loved me, although I didn't understand why. Until the third time he almost died from attempting suicide, that I realized why he loved me the way he did. It's because it was almost as if... I am the only person he has. The only person assuring him he's important, and loved, and appreciated. He told me the only reason he stopped planning his ***** was because of me. Because I love him, and I didn't want him to leave, and he still has to take care of me. And I knew I loved him, when he told me he'd be gone soon...from this world...from my life. And I was scared. I was so scared I'd lose him that I cried straight for hours. So many thoughts were running through my head, like how I loved him so much that I'd be willing to hug the last of him that would remain, even if it would be just his corpse lying inside a coffin. I would cry for days and weeks and months and I'd be eating less than I used to. And most of all, I'd regret it for all my life that I never got to tell him how much I loved him, and how much I'll love him still. I guess what I'm trying to say is this: I loved him, even though I promised myself from the very start that I never would. I got too attached, like I never should. I broke every promise that I made during the four months that I've known him. I was cruel for thinking I could just run away from this anytime I'd like to. I guess he made me realize that things don't always turn out the way you want them to. I regret everything now. Every good and bad. Everything. Boring, is the best. Really. How are you doing now? Is he still with you? Is he still alive? How is HE doing? Is he eating right? Are you two still close? Has he changed at all? Wishing you the very best, Past