A letter from August 30th, 2017

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, I'm at a low point. Everything sucks and I want to die. But I don't want to **** myself because I want to go to Heaven, which sounds dumb but is actually a really sound reason and ensures I'm not actually going to do it. An illness would suck as well because it'd hurt. Aneurisms are quick and painless but unlikely to happen to me. I could have a heart attack but I'd have to make myself really fat first and I already feel disgusting enough. Plus I don't want to leave behind a fat corpse adn give people more reasons to look down on me. Which means I'm not going to die. Yet. But I feel like I've completely lost my ability to be motivated, to do things I need to- I've been putting off calling about my lost card for like a year. And putting off emailing potential thesis supervisors all summer. Yet now I'm supposed to be doing it since my mom told me to, and I'm still procrastinating. I had an audition for the Ottawa Pops Orchestra, of which I am Marketing Advisor, three days ago. After 4 years with the orchestra, I bombed my audition- even though I played fully through my exerpts, did the sight reading, and I didn't cry or puke. I got through my whole speech about how hard I've been working and that I've been improving. Felicia and Trevor's girlfriend were also on the panel. I know I didn't get in (like only 5% chance they'll let both Stefania and I be members, according to what Matt told me on the phone yesterday). I'm afraid of not having any friends. And I don't know if it's worth it to keep going. Especially with OPO. Should I quit? But the thing is, that means I'd lose even more face. I've already been embarrassed because these people are those I have to work closely with and some are my friends, and now it'll be awkward. Matt said I should record myself playing and send that if I think I can do a better job. That's how I know that when he said 'no decision has been made yet' he meant 'it's not official but it will be'. That's my only chance. But I won't do it. Because I don't think I'd actually be able to do a notably better job- not enough to make a difference. This way, at least, I have my dignity. I am glad that I didn't buy a new cello (even though maybe I would have sounded marginally better on an instrument not made of plywood). On audition day I climbed up on the ledge where the screen is broken and willed myself to jump out. I thought about just not doing my audition as an alternative. And saying that I was too busy this year. I kinda wish I had. And yesterday I cried A LOT like on the bus, on campus, the street, in the park, the shower, the car, my bed. Today I've cried in the elevator, the lobby, and my car in the garage. i feel like garbage. hope you're doing better.

Epilogue

over 6 years later

Yikes, girl!

Yeah I am fully doing better. I ended up getting conditionally accepted if I took lessons. . . I accepted at first but then decided I just felt...

Oot sbuy. 'wsatn elar iwchh teh noaser wkon i own. Secaube it lptyrilaa i'ts esueccd rycsa nda a yrt saw ooc-tup otn to. .
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Ersay llvee os muhc r,elat nda eth opr rgew is roscaethr. Hte on iginwrt the or ywa eonraht eon lalw, saw. I ot on dha omev. .
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Sehtsi ddi i up a difning ned reirsvspuo. C no ym tog i a hsseit. Kacb swa svbei itioanastornrpc lngoiok bgi teh podirneess. 'sti dna gtihn tapr seuceba hte m'i wno de my thiw a euicilvsn niogd bit uorces 2 incgllhi maes. .
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Of a tmei olt ceerrvoy edne oyu. Het tllaacuy 'ndtdi oyu 'krneodbwa' ta ukcs aysw hseotn 'ontd deesevr ihtw rd ntshom ni be and dna inotp abuot ewf aehv ehpl ahdd a yuo eht onwk hnitk ol'uyl uailpaeg ni( abtou a yruo eenv shti yuo yilnfal feli lli. Lol ti's hsoet srtnu ton eelf manorl awy uot htat to tub a!bby eb it der agf,ls. .
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In idsghnthi das ehs tfle het be inof the i ednowr adyer tbu if 'udwotln taht nkew i tsju ntaws' aols phfllue ro boaut. Eht yecerp ikle eht arleyl oerm tloro,cn ot dhae ts'ath dahd wehn wree tsymspom a arer mtauis sfrtoe econ aahh reh hiwtc cubasee daetstr enurd.
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Gidon ebtert i'm. I lltsi eb rteu vhae for tenx miet arey hepo sthi to tath. .
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Seray 7 i eterlt owret gao atht. Eb erwhe ohw rftu???eu noskw ni honmts hte 7 lil'.
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Tlils body itwh ma iamge gsnlggtiru i and higwte soal. Abitsh? nay cuseeba lera seceirxe rfeat alyz i a,rsey nda ot eeths tdei cnseahg fele my i on amde lal evah. I efmysl emor leef mchu os crgae ofr and tey. Mi' by susindgtgi ayn snmae hnkti 'dotn i. Lfee bti emro wolud ot ikle rtim i a. Reotw ydob iads tnha signht i twhi ttah taobu psto, gianrew i 3 thiw ehnw a sehot elsmyf neo hte nestp hda begigr pcro rseumsm i. .
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Dna i 30 ll'it i aeg now stuj i drhrae as wkno ma gte. Saol ownk isslp who i eitm by. Mcuh ronotlc si os nreud antelm orme my lhthea. Ehhtla i orf it i idd ouwld my poivrme shting ktnhi aisplyhc fi. A egiv aimntas ahtt fi lsot roem td'no nvee aerys eervsre my me lo)l 3 intghs rcliwog dogo dan ot i ese do calniotebe ot atfer eertlt llwi i aaen,crepap efielng ilke ym hrloaomn vritigiyn riitwng egahcn ehpl (cseni. 'im i m'i usgy to to tub me ffo aapepl gigetnt i hwo ot me dan tghim hatt onwk atwn wonk irewt broeef olsa ittvarcaet vian. Cwihh undsso ienersuc. Syill uyfnn uhnedgin knarig elki ebgin slef d,nteir it mi' ni ym no but. Ntsoiaecr hnngitik ehyret senitmadppnoit si ilr entmeig ubtoa if fdeyintlei cakb em ildgonh. A ni( adet etwhrhe hicwh ekil seae)rrgsld rwe'e its' ot het ylaarde dgknicu 'mi rib,c opuokh ftdcienon i heawtrev, cema nda elik yuo a ro i teda esac lelupd ot lefe tanw. Ot dan eho lwedbaeoeknlg reom my adh ndtneiocf lefe i shspea. I iopsharitlen gania natw a tnhik tbu i. Teh dna sprnoe a i lylutaac awtn tiwh tihs rteuuf mtei see to. Ilek so a ylarel rgideo dna aenm aws mreo fwb ttha sfele. Mih did tno tbu i keli elov carlmntyliao. Bsieba i 'inddt adn slfeym ylarle vgniha ees sih rgnimrya. Nwat i i ot'nd lal nkwo ta isdk tath onw. Rtwaods ******* wehn tub elfe not nknudi ttsh'a i eilgnfe ueacrlmfbntoo cbauees yo)db ym the i alugth(ho tsju luowd censi wthi ym nsegahc cwhhi irnab erfa ncgahe a ygnraepcn ti boyd si oals destrta eebn.
Adn the fnkaly,r lefi hnasgec. .
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Flee etuc tuoab euseacb etc fo eida diea ertbet uoy but miss hte uto adn no i rtbeet fo byab ouy rtmeapentem a sedne esy ilescap haev aod,gitpn asegt. Nda deorsane of yeth dna ende mite ot ,exntte wiht na d'tno on 100% acn be yese het. Teanpr lsilt omtengiulrtivsa hgohut i iengb ihknt be ouwdl a. .
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For ofsetr yaesrnesc erca eme,noos eray vhniag i a a ,knhti iognd be tow hdilc a udwol ro tauob iwth for ooicintnd hktinnig. Ahrse nwko eden tenprar fo na louwd eaqul to i taek bnrued eht hte. Eb ahtt fro farte oseoldhhu tfufs dna ethm uldwo ttvigen eaaciemnntn and. .
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Thpory tgse wnnaa iwollp roshce innelgac sha adn oecdok be fro irtsf egansreps eiwf ohw i ipkc sscpienr of a. Bymea lfyesm wredasr for dan vgei rstieksc. Hutmo emro my btu get dna ot i of sddulce eiccptraore wnta a eascbeu tol ni **** i haed thiw samaesgs kile nt'do. Oulwd i hiwt **** aterrh scuk issk atth idas ntha. An arpt sit sseui ont of i ktnih eth tagiwnn is. .
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Msohnt tbu of epgekin my ma alecn rvasele i ekcshe eth rkta)c esiidns tn(o ibgnti rmof. Ntex and eb will mtie nthig orem to thsi tho i so abyem wohle the li'tl eden jb osfslnig wkon ofcym ihtw yare feel alrlugyre i neivolv bolod i. Aols rxefel nogstr agg ubt si teh. Noec dkepu i. We tbu keil lwoaswlde areigmnbrsas ew ew i ti. .
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Ldoev i ntaw ev ot. Ffust eefr do ot i oslt ot meti lsitl veha of inilmam tanw. Cdulde arde and adn aet ojney csnask wtahc nda and mvieos htc. Tiwh my onsrpe. .
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Ays itnkh ceicsipf i aintyhgn vaeh emor 'odnt a or tipno i to. .
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Velo i ,yuo aia!tlen.

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