A letter from March 8th, 2016

I was driving in my brand new car the other day, and it dawned on me: this is exactly how I thought my life would end up at this point in my life. I knew I was going to be hard-working, a dedicated student, and a devoted girlfriend. I knew things weren’t going to be easy in my life; they never have been. Growing up in a single-parent home, I saw what it’s like to have no hot water and to wear hand me downs. I saw what it was like for my amazing mother to struggle under the weight of bills. I saw the worry on her face when Christmas rolled around, and I knew the phrase “waiting until pay day” all too well. When I lived in Australia for a few months, and worked at a job I absolutely hated, just to pay the bills and absolutely hated every minute of it, I knew right then that I could never live like this. I told Alan that I promised myself I wouldn’t live how my mother had to live. I do not say anything bad about her: she is rich in spirit, she is rich in love, and she is rich in family, but she was never rich. I never needed to be rich, but I wanted, more than anything, to not have money be an issue in my life. And I’ve been there: using all my money for partying or paying off credit card debt. But I always knew I wouldn’t live that way forever. I work two jobs, I got to school full time. I pay rent, car insurance, car payments, internet, cable and phone bills. I provide for myself, my cat, and co-support my household with my boyfriend. I buy my own clothes and I pay for my own vacations. I work 14 hour days, I work split shifts, I work at 5am and again at 5pm. I spend evenings studying for exams, stay up late writing essays and preparing for presentations. I spend afternoons cleaning my house, doing dishes, 100’s of loads of laundry and cleaning the bathroom. I work and study and pay my bills. And it’s exactly what I’ve always wanted. I’ve always wanted to be self-sufficient. I’ve always wanted to be in a long-term relationship with an incredible man. I’ve always wanted nice things, like a new car and decent place to live. I’ve wanted the laughter in my house that I always knew as a child. I’ve wanted to support of my family and close friends. I’ve wanted the achievement of graduating college, and soon to be university. I’ve wanted to recognition of my efforts, through my scholarship I was awarded. This is exactly where I’m meant to be. The older I become, the more I realize that I don’t need a wedding, but I want a marriage. There are absolutely no words for how gentle and amazing Alan is to me. He is everything I’ve always wanted. I would say that he is the icing on the cake of my wonderful life, but he is so intricately woven into my life that I cannot separate myself from him. He helped me create this beautiful life. I used to think of this as a bad thing, or that I would be bad feminist if I admitted to myself that I am him, and we are one, but now I know this is the most precious gift anyone has ever given me. To be loved, always, even in my ripped pj pants, even when I’m crying at a silly commercial, even when I’m stressed out from exams, even when I make him watch Teen Mom and Keeping up with the Kardashians and Little Women and Jersey Shore, even when I give him the silent treatment, even when we disagree about anything, even when I crank the heat, and even with what I considered my baggage, my bodily imperfections, my insecurities and my faults. He loves me through everything, and I love him, even when he leaves the window open in February, even when he doesn’t do the dishes, and even when I have to put up with his music. He’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of in a man. I sometimes feel bad for other women, because they don’t get to feel his gentle comfort, they don’t get to hear his everyday rambling, they don’t get to love him, cherish him, and protect him, but mostly because they don’t get to be loved by him. I know what I have, and I will do everything in my life to be there for him the way he is for me, and to give him all the things he’s given me. He is the one.