Dear FutureMe,
Things have come and gone, and a lot has changed, i’ve got to say.
You’re finally comfortable being catholic, so way to go girlie! Keep strong.
Also i’m so in love with Jim Halpert and Pam Beesly. Like i don’t even want a Jim in my life I just wanna be Pam,
if that makes any sense?
Oh well…
Epilogue
2 months later
Honestly I have no idea what you meant with the “I don’t even want a Jim” bit but sure!
The catholic thing is forever a hardship of course. It’s hard...
Pasrt het ot ese sdgareie atobu is hte yuo oyu all ees agknmi eht fo dwolr nwko eno oems and hchcur lydtirec s…in shoetr nwhe uoy seyoflur ohw uoy twih natlgik si reco.
I wree esom emnta gesus ot sjut olppee tuqeiosn. .
Od’nt elivebe onste’d thta eman ouy. Hwy ltiu,g eosylrfu os by mtesi ,nhew ksa rthee ivlbeee adn elbieve ohw ho oyu od uchm do sono oyu os ilev!ebe mcuh yuo rea owhsdedoerav hgso, you. Uoy semit dndti’ bleeevi uoy hmcu hwen sdehiw so.
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Igetvena ngayhtin fo ta iths nenthier tccialoh sih ned’tso wya ruo erigoiln emenetl tbuao ewnh epor ot lsokf ot tepeenrrs tbu criteydl emayb hnwiti it het ktal itnhk sutj sa chiwh kile it’s gut gtuli i. Ot upll su to hmi closre. .
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On ,dam vnee idogn get to frirekwos ippeatdiod,ns toneh,s naodey,n ueeascb eyitgehrnv i’m irhgt eb i dna come. Ta esgiflen lnhwreievomg no meco m’i ewnh uhhrcc. To orme osrry of ot ,tcfa duacs hatn slnniigte a tsih, dna lla ykilel atermt lfee gson lucy sa ilegtnisn a yhnsm m’i i toseh vrye ofr. ’mi rtedfratus.
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Oyu tub is my anlp itl ”ti maek kafe“ ti ot. Wthnii ont fibeel shkea i ti fof ym odlcu si me os cabesue ttha fainkg gtsoeihnm erve utbdo i earidgnni. Iksd eb ruopg yothu ki,le ot to nusyda ot a cc’hhsur btu em yug pary thgni adn og rarym dan ilek eyrev teh og wont’ erboef aryp tusj, enssc…fo bed rvyee adn proper uro lil’ ,ncie and dna hhccur. Ti uodbt gthins yerall wlli ahtt is i b?e hwo. I rglsi too eilk. Onnud i. Ees ubt wll’e.
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for those who wanna read the epilogue but don’t have premium (as I): “Honestly I have no idea what you meant with the “I don’t even want a Jim” bit but sure!
The catholic thing is forever a hardship of course. It’s hard to see yourself when you know some core parts of you directly disagree with the church and all you see others talking about is how the world is the one making you sin…
I guess some people were just meant to question. That doesn’t mean you don’t believe. Oh gosh, and how do you believe! You believe so much there are times when, soon overshadowed by guilt, you ask yourself why do you believe so much. Times when you wished you didn’t believe so much.
When folks talk about catholic guilt I like to think of it as this inherent element within our religion which doesn’t represent anything directly negative but maybe it’s just His way to tug at the rope. To pull us closer to Him.
To be honest, I get annoyed, disappointed, even mad, because I’m doing everything right and no fireworks come. No overwhelming feelings come when i’m at church. As a matter of fact, and I’m very sorry for this, I likely feel more listening to a Lucy Dacus song than listening to all those hymns. I’m frustrated.
But my plan is to “fake it til you make it”. Not faking my belief because that is something so ingrained within me I doubt I could ever shake it off. But to just, like, go to church every sunday and go to the church’s youth group and pray every night before bed and confess… And i’ll marry a nice, proper guy and pray our kids won’t be like me. Is that how things really will be? I doubt it. I like girls too. I dunno. But we’ll see
Letter Author:
4 months ago