lowkey crying about a poet in my uni (not really)

Dear FutureMe, it's 1st of december, what a boring way to start off a future letter, i don't know what i have on my mind, maybe i because i have too many things on my mind, and here we go again about me going on about me being someone with special needs, physically i am okay, it's my brain, oh come on! we know that you've said that to the same 10 people over and over again which they reply to "oh dear i understand" which they don't because they've never felt it in the first place. If i happen to send this letter and get it deliver by 6 months i don't think there would have been much of enough change for me to go back and think about "aw this is what i thought back then" no fun. I personally do not prefer disappearing texts, i don't mind having them with someone i don't get to learn anything in back through conversation, i do not regret it, but with him, i do, and it's him who put it in the first place, i was disappointed, i was heavily, he did the same in gram, i was more disappointed, disappointed because i wouldn't get to keep them, with me, wouldn't get to go back and reread again to understand his perspective even though it can take me months to get it, because initially i didn't and there's always mis-offs of the tone, we get each other wrong, most likely i get him wrong, and i wanna get him right, and i know it can't be like telepathy where i would know what exactly he wants to deliver, that's what exactly makes wanna keep him, as there's so much inside of him that i wanna hold, which i can't seem to see yet, on the other hand i fear, that there's not enough of me for him to look forward to, to hold, to look, to cherish. I get conscious of my speech, the way of expression, my accent, my visuals, my body language, how i silly i might appear, my hollow personality, with dead hobbies, where he sees me as someone always whining about a disorder which unfortunately affects me every second, conscious of him having a image of me as just someone with little height, conventionally pretty eyes and brows, thick thighs but petite, and the pro and con of it is that, the physical traits aren't enough, his presence would make me wanna do something new and be cool pursuing it, but his presence makes me hesitate too, even though i have been under his skin, have had swallowed him every part of him, yet not enough, he will keep me hooked, but i am not sure how long he will. I can never daydream about us being together, i won' die if we don't but wouldn't it be nice, or would it be? i am not quite sure. I sure get conscious about my every fiber of being, i never know how to balance it all,if i show up to be too nonchalant would it seem to inconsiderate? but i cannot even swoon over him too much, not like i would, i just do feel giddy a bit, i just wanna feel normal, talk like normal, wanna share interests over music, cinema and books. His presence is so risilient and quiet but strong enough for me to look upon his interests whether it be music or poets. Charles Bukowski that day, i loved that day, i loved it. We live far, we both got **** to do, where he actually does it and i anticipate to. I should maybe put in work to see him, see him more, connect with him more, start with the "bhab kom" as he said, and true not all my thoughts are true. I have to become better to connect with him more, and there's no loss to that, disorder? so what, i have to live with that, have to accept it as me and part of me not as some parasite even if it actually is, it's there til life, stop waiting and start off, start off with art, try and let it be hideous, be embarrased try being embarrased more and more pursue that discomfort, it's all gonna get you somewhere and trust me you're not the standard of a good person, you also have to be polished and you should be glad that you are always willing to learn more and will to do more, but never did, i felt bad again when he mentioned of me not having much of a social experience, which he's right about, we both had different lives and different lifestlyes, i wanna see him and observe him but i forget i am part of the atmosphere and i have to create one, cannot just remain as a spy camera can i? personality is about how you affect people and how they affect you back. idk why am i even writing all this, yeah, it has hit again and all the stuff inside my brain just phewed, i cannot be delivering this on his birthday next year no way, it's gonna be too late, our colleges would be over, we would quite more busy, **** i wanna see him, i cannot lose him not someone who makes me learn so much and i have to make over plans, while i also develop myself, wait up again why am i writing all this, i guess it started off because he send me this poetic *** prose on 25th may 2023 which i couldn't get myself to read ig, too many words, and i just never did, which i wanted to now, but didn't started yet haha, well this is why i dispise disappearing msgs feature, i shouldn't missing out, i should have a backup, i should have things to go back to and let it immerse in me, if it didn't before, it's me giving myself a chance to learn something again, discover something again, novelty, which my adhd craves, but puts me into harnesses so i never start off, well dayum, this ****'s longer than my 1000 words assignment, can feel accomplished about typing it all ig lol, the project's been due on 13th :") ,,,,yikes shouldn't have typed that made my letter's conclusion look all so boring, well it started off boring too so, real stuff's always in the centre of the body, i meant the eassy or letter body ya weird ****, haha aight i'll head out and read some poetries bye :)