A letter from November 23rd, 2023

Peaceful right?

Hey future me how are we doing now?
Its our last thanksgiving before being an adult, moms and Kuya are sick. It's been a bad couples of years hasn't it. Right now we're a bit sick too, a real nasty bug it is. Todays the first day we've been able to get up and around. I just want to know why we've been so unlucky.
Four damned years of hell. All four years of high school have been completely miserable. There's been pockets of light keeping us going, but it really feels like this damned streak of misery is never gonna end. I'm being selfish I know that, but why can't I be happy. I should be wishing mom could be happy, but I'm such a terrible kid that all I can do is think about myself. Why couldn't I have any good birthdays, Christmas's, ******* summer breaks. Why couldn't I have just one thing. Every little accomplishment and event was overrun by someone else. So what we couldn't go snowboarding, so what Kuya ruined it. So what he had to be admitted back into the psyche historial. So what we failed all our classes our junior year the most ******* important one. So what we haven't turned in all college application when they're all due in 5 days. So what if you preformed for your school so what you represented your culture for the mayor.
What's the point of all of it if we're not happy. if nothing matters, if I don't even want to be alive. why does any of it matter. but I still want to be happy, is that selfish of me. to wish to be truly happy for once. To not find things that I think should make me happy that others expect me to smile and laugh at. I've felt so empty for so long. But I know I shouldn't. I have nearly everything I could ask for don't I?
I have a mother I have an amazing step dad I have a big brother I have friends right I have my family.yet I'm not happyyet I still cry with an empty head.
even now tears stream down my face, still my head reamains empty. only in times like this do my thoughts not hurt.
Everything is to much. but it'll all my fault. if I could be normal, if i wasn't such a coward everything would be okay.
Maybe if I was just a bit stronger I wouldn't be such a burden.
this is my promise- I will make it to graduation, then I'll leave maybe move across the world where no one can find me where I can learn to love myself.

Epilogue

11 months later

I’m almost done with my first year of university. It has been a struggle. As always math and us don’t get along. We’ve failed one semester of math most likely...

Lifa ggoni tish one ntxe ot well sa. Tno t’is trgae. Td’on kown i but ot awht od. .
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I sretetl etah thsee ntiwgri. Sget llte na the ieglfne toonni i ?why if ltuyr ibran ont if neaecdui htsi ro mi’ i ymfels ubt m’i rtginiw my cant’ ayzh fro orf nwodre awy hatt in. I ot edne ehva a of iennngtreita thta gpae stmo emlfys on eth senrivo. Ncmgoi sehet frmo hte mi’ lla em or rdswo ear itrinwg raterhc. Ti rcessa me. .
Fcae rluyt afrdye eht baeym at am ’im i htta hte egdes ot ecrdsa or fact. Ti e,degl ndsude nwhe lroof erov teh ielk felinge reewh s’ti hte elesf thta llsfa a nda ehowl fo yma us ekil swwallo all rldwo ew ookl the. Yheva darfia atth the owh su lfee prrseues nips cyulaatl tath ntirwgi ielhw down we stni’. Het thta nwo sfool ewev’ eevn skam deteacr us. Nwko vnee isdueigs edpe draaif nteotg ni so our thta llnafe who vwe’e we atht slot otnd’ we’ve. Ot yad atht to esem hte efnlegsi ot dya arel eems atth vrnee eervn flee tick,s. Ecno ta no we gituptn sttra elt nhvretegyi ot enhw woh sith ew rvuosslee ,efel urfseed repap lla dorws us. .
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Their to srpone rfom ss,eltvmhee nvee onw a neve hc,mu can uinlt toatrlee brain acniost sceeidd itfsel loyn its mrof so otperct. Like c,cielh s’it a *** alwefatlr a or btu i’st. Emaby strast ti woh wfe a krctiel a irp,sd wthi. Oefreb geviynerht at aflsl noce all. Lal stih getwih eth at wtha fo noce lwdor ikle het eessm. Nac itsll nad vene vene msm,ntoe i ckab onwk ngebi in tnhe, oseht herte ogehnmits ldhe is. .
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Rienfd a new deam ’ewev. Ecided tbu orem i aer smese yte to hant leki rmeo ew im’ yinnathg iteonnfd,c annonigy ignatc if ahve ti.
Aedrsc ’mi. .
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Teh rwlod sercsa me. Gnkiwa ksa ot ptso haec nmeotm ti i. Ton teh ogd i but i do one owerp ma nor of aehv. .

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