A letter from Nov 04, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, Sometimes things just work out like that. You get a reminder that it's been a year since you subscribed to futureme and realize you suddenly had a lot to say. Life is hard. Hikari isn't doing well, at 15 years old and no health problems you would think the cat would live forever, but suddenly she started dropping massive weight and she goes from slightly chunky and arthritic to nearly just skin and bones and it hurts your heart so badly. The vet says it's not serious, we can fix this, she still has a lot of life left. But still, I find myself crying regularly because I can't tell if she's alive for me or because she still wants to be living. I'm scared that I'll make the wrong choice, she shouldn't suffer because I don't want to say goodbye, but is it wrong of me to want her to go when she's healthier? Or at least not at the weight she is? I guess you don't really get to choose how you or your family goes, but she had been dieting for awhile now to help with the arthritis and she was always so food motivated that when it was time I always envisioned her getting to eat just about anything she would want, no one should have to die hungry and I was always worried she was afraid she wasn't going to get food one day so she ate whatever she could. Now, no matter what you offer her she barely touches it. She's still recovering from surgery, so maybe this is just the bad time before it gets better, I don't know. Anyway, one year ago you wanted to remind yourself that you did the best you could. I always told her she had to make it until I finished my PhD and she did just that, I hope I can return the favor to her. She's a good bad spoon. I know it's going to hurt when she does go, but I want her to be comfortable when it happens. Was it? Did we do the right thing? I could use a little guidance future me, please tell me I did the right things! A very scared past you.

Epilogue

5 days later

Dear PastMe,

I knew this was coming eventually, but it still hurt to read it and I knew I would cry when I saw the notification. It's only been a...

Nda vidvyli i eth i faer ertow i egiflne wsa btu ihts tlisl errbmmee y,ear as tmrteon. Ucold you isth eht i erew so ni oyu shiw uhg gnwitir i onmtme.
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Thiw l,syad nspoo hte on rnloge is, us dab. Ete,btr lei or i yuore' fo atht st'i atth lufl owtn' si noribaws adn teh lrwod asy ro okay. Qieut unodra oot iqetu truht it's het eht s,uheo is. Neorsylpati t'wno hte rgea,l you odul hcum tnlui ohw thta a 'sehs eogn home stuj elfdil rzelaie seh saw dna. .
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A aer wlil she pass isth htomn owert trafe bda dsay you reeht adea,h tloasm aywa. Adn cdltu'no wenh nad thta yuo olse gwthie, dsoe hse hre taes slsibyop feed eognhu veen efed ithkn yuo erh esh lwihe she. Foeber nooieprsgsr to atsdye swlo noe eiztsialb oerv a 'sit ady r,he stla ouy dna 'tnca lla dba i'st. Tbu i'ts ont adb nswe lla. Gdiyn s'hse erofgt aysd yda!s eethr ogo,d luaclaty os doog ear you. Rhe nrolma lkei stea reehw ehs hpapy ysda si uyo rehwe uoy asyd ftihgs nda hes etp dldeucd emro nad ot lsfe dna etg reh. Did ttah you will no thsoe uoy cakb atth dsya tinhg iwll griht olok eb wnok ti het dna.
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Aoyk atht rveen pphay i ays iths ihwle wthi the ttah, dna to rdea 'im tge lylo'u nacche onwk can't rolyalnm 'mi i. Uyo het wish rresasue i oducl itghr i htta oignd 'uoeyr htign. She efre ni ioinpno, ucqikly saseps my dan, pain. Kwno hse teh hes tasl ton rsfhele seh okwn gsethtrn ot sthi eth ,pu oyu nikdr lwil lliw tis' dan tgnhi dloh eavh will teh si t,ae newh ilwl l'uoyl olyul' tgih,n rhe atls vhae tno elyrba ihtw. .
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Letl nebso upase reh yuo uyro l'yluo dculo and that ietm nad wlli at you ehr eefl oaky, tno dan aeslt velo wshi to it act wlil pakse ro aenlo rvye eh'ss het eb it yuo. Has ehs she to eus eeyvr dna teh te,hn on of alts ltas illw grnstteh iemt bti ytr noe ujpm ebd. Ays eth time it tath its' she eairlez ot uoy amke oyu wlil nkswo tub ,ruodng emmotn ffo kstic to ttha 'tsi hse too the tnomem with neve ihst onwt' ,ayd oogdbey. .
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Dagl ryelut em tshi wetro ,tetlre i'm uoy. Eth i i ayw ahev grreet rresseau uabto het ititauosn veha noly ouy ttha ot on si. Fo hotmn ni slta taht lasclp,yeie eamd ieielftm uyo emeosmri ehr wiht a. Fro ktihn gniev tcuccsesimnra yuo eht kdaes evoluc'd i dnto' moer. To lfie too utb hse tawn orf i dha esnw i a asw leeeivb she nda do,evl atht dah swih oodg wken i tbeter ,you. Eb hdra on 'ondt efrsulyo selepa. Kacb yuo ahtt yneeilitfd idd ooilgnk uoy i,t all orme dna dluoc no.
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Fteuumre.

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