A letter from Nov 04, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, Sometimes things just work out like that. You get a reminder that it's been a year since you subscribed to futureme and realize you suddenly had a lot to say. Life is hard. Hikari isn't doing well, at 15 years old and no health problems you would think the cat would live forever, but suddenly she started dropping massive weight and she goes from slightly chunky and arthritic to nearly just skin and bones and it hurts your heart so badly. The vet says it's not serious, we can fix this, she still has a lot of life left. But still, I find myself crying regularly because I can't tell if she's alive for me or because she still wants to be living. I'm scared that I'll make the wrong choice, she shouldn't suffer because I don't want to say goodbye, but is it wrong of me to want her to go when she's healthier? Or at least not at the weight she is? I guess you don't really get to choose how you or your family goes, but she had been dieting for awhile now to help with the arthritis and she was always so food motivated that when it was time I always envisioned her getting to eat just about anything she would want, no one should have to die hungry and I was always worried she was afraid she wasn't going to get food one day so she ate whatever she could. Now, no matter what you offer her she barely touches it. She's still recovering from surgery, so maybe this is just the bad time before it gets better, I don't know. Anyway, one year ago you wanted to remind yourself that you did the best you could. I always told her she had to make it until I finished my PhD and she did just that, I hope I can return the favor to her. She's a good bad spoon. I know it's going to hurt when she does go, but I want her to be comfortable when it happens. Was it? Did we do the right thing? I could use a little guidance future me, please tell me I did the right things! A very scared past you.

Epilogue

5 days later

Dear PastMe,

I knew this was coming eventually, but it still hurt to read it and I knew I would cry when I saw the notification. It's only been a...

Saw lislt i i aerf sa ntermto ,eyra dan hte wetor mrmrebee idvylvi iths efgieln i but. I eht ouy shit i so oudlc uhg ewre wihs mneotm ni uyo tngriwi.
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Orngel htiw d,saly on su abd i,s npoos eth. Of rdowl aisornwb ro 'tnow o'ruye ebrt,et full hte yas that kyao i and atth eil si ro t'is. Is eth rutht esu,oh raodun oot qtuei ueiqt t'is het. Nyopasreitl eeailrz nad a shes' inutl leifdl ela,gr meoh ujts woh hcum you oldu ttah the asw geon 'notw esh. .
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A ehert d,aeah ayaw omastl dba eortw shit thnom spas rftea oyu hse are days will. Elos edso tknih aets esh and eevn reh ouhnge hes hre eihlw dl'octnu edfe eefd uoy ieht,wg she nda yslbspio ahtt nehw uoy. Ac'nt ,her ltsa ot adb oen etsyad eroebf ouy npoosrrsgie a sit' lal zbiislate i'ts lwso adn revo dya. All otn s'it wsne tub adb. Os altcylua yuo es'sh ,good good ysa!d era gnidy dsay ogerft htree. She to ydas ept erh lmnoar ewrhe eddcdul is stihgf ehr dan seh ayphp nad adn ilke egt dyas uoy fsel ouy ehrwe omre tsae. Htat ouy kbac okwn eb it otshe ookl hrtgi ttha illw on eht illw syda hngti did adn uyo.
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I sya 'im ymarlnol dna yako thsi i oyul'l paphy nwok iwlhe twih dare tnc'a het renve hccnea m'i ha,tt atht ot gte. Ucldo i yuo r'oyue seuserra tgihr gidon swhi i htgni teh taht. Sessap efer pnai nda, my hse in ciqlkyu iinoo,np. Eht eth tis' ehs she e,ta ,up hdlo ownk eaybrl yuo not hsit wiht teh dinkr hvae si illw dna hslerfe seh reh illw ulo'yl ot u'yoll kown when aveh nghit otn wlli stla nthig, ltas esthgtrn lwli. .
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Eimt will or doulc and ovle oylul' to hre act her tno oruy aepsk uspae oenbs tlle oyu feel hatt a,oky be will ervy adn at ti ti olnae and ess'h ouy aetls hwis eht uyo. Ahs esh of use to etim on mpju nda neth, yerev try ltas eno bed wlil slat teh ehs tbi gtetnshr. Dogobey hse ahtt to yuo oto the ffo lwli sya htiw metonm yad, 'ist ubt gdnoru, it enev momnte amke hes tis' wonks eth tiksc shit 'nwot to aeilerz etmi oyu tath. .
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Uyo 'im etowr yluter me agld shti t,rteel. Tbauo i on oyln ahve si yaw het the tuaitisno i gerrte ttah ahve to sursreae uyo. Her of eamd iiltemef hnomt a hwit yipelecals, you meiesomr lats ni atth. Eth kaeds ncrssmtiuceca eignv cvleoud' i hktin tn'do uoy erom rof. Tnwa kwen odgo deo,vl ahd i fro esh swa veleibe tbu tath i dna eterbt ot oot i hes u,yo ielf ahd nwes whis a. Be on oefrysul dahr peasle n'dot. Ddi dna on koloing ttah omer you it, abck cloud all dlnteiefyi oyu.
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Ufuterem.

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