A letter from Oct 09, 2023

Dear FutureMe, hi, okay so i kinda just need to make myself understand this, and the easiest way for me to do that is to physically write it out. so basically right now and lately iv'e been feeling not the best in the sense that i feel like small things keep happening that affect me more than they should ig. like as of now im the happiest ive been, thats if were talking about the friends i have and with school and grades and like my social life is pretty good right now, the best its been in a while i would say, im also happy with tennis. the thing that is stopping me from living my life without any stress and just being okay with everything in my life right now i would say is boys basically. like its weird, every time i start talking to someone i let them control the way i feel by their responses and they're basically all i think about throughout the day. im pretty sure im just craving the idea of having a boyfriend, and when i start talking to someone i let my mind think they are like my bf so in my head i take everything too seriously and i def shouldn't. for example, adrian. i told myself from the beginning that i wasnt gonna let myself get attached to him and i was gonna use him as a practice guy, but no. from the very start i knew what i was getting myself into, and i still let it happen and i let myself get affected by it, even though i knew. we were talking for a span of like 2 weeks and yes he was pretty good at it, but he was just using me for my fat *** and i have to remind myself that boys are boys and they are not gonna change. even if there is a possibility they changed, do not believe it and expect the worse. i had a little fallout and eyeopener with this situation. im glad i did bc i know i need to know this and yes i knew this was a thing from the start but i never really thought it could happen to me so it was still kinda shocking in a way. a few days ago i found to not trust many people either, in fact might as well not trust anybody, you really never ******* know. i learned this lesson during intercession, i posted a pic on my priv story with 13 ppl abt cole and it somehow reached him and i had to text cole abt it and yk the story but it still ******* hurt. there are such ****** ppl in this world that you would expect to be completely the opposite, in this case i never found out who that person was but im gonna take it as a lesson that i cant just say whatever i want to certain people. i need to let go i need to let go of everything, of cole especially. ive been stuck with cole for a while now and clearly its not going anywhere no matter what i try so might as well just focus on what is ahead of me in life and be stuck on the past. i have to let cole go even if he alr knows everything that went on. i have to move on from it bc there is rlly nothing i can do abt it now, i have to stop giving my trust to everyone i find nice and trustworthy and i have to stop letting boys and anyone in this matter take control of my happiness. i have to be happy with myself before anything and i have to know my worth and know what it means to be respectful towards myself at all time. just let everything go. focus on the future dont focus on what just happened bc that will get you nowhere good so just look at what you have now and what good possibilities are out there waiting for me. long story short, focus on yourself for a bit okay? and future me i wish you the very best, you deserve it and lmk how all of this went, in a month!!