A letter from Oct 09, 2023

Dear FutureMe, The transition between 19 and 20 was the most overwhelming any birthday had been mentally. The day of my 20th birthday was wasted, and I will be left with regrets lol. But I will make sure my 21st will have better planning. For the first couple of months, I couldn't fully transition mentally into the mindset of an adult—priorities, values, and how they reflected upon my perspectives towards things; truthfully, I didn't want to, and I felt like the worry that came with being in the 20s made me old and boring. I'd say the difference was between a university student and a job seeker. I went back to the motherland during the summer, and the two months that I spent there interning, traveling, and bonding with distant family members taught me a lot, and I wish to feel the same emotions I felt again whilst I was there. Term 1 of year 3 has just started, and it's hard to get back into the routine of academia after being in the work environment. Along with the changes that come with being 20, I feel extremely overwhelmed on a daily basis over decisions that I should be making and the emotions that change drastically. Although it is normal, it's almost like a second *******. I didn't think readjusting to different life stages would be this difficult—mentally. I have had a lot of fun and this is probably the happiest I have ever been but as such, the wavering stances that I now have, contrary to my deciveness as a late teenager during 18 and 19, make me feel very uneasy and as though I have regressed (even though this is just a normal stage of being exposed to various of new environments and needing to explore more in order to regain, I guess, clarity) The biggest change is that everything that I believed in, although very good (at least in my opinion, and I'm sure others would agree so too), was all just theory, and rarely did I have real experience with it. I was very opinionated at 19, and I treasured that trait about me (as I do now). But since my age group has changed and I am no longer the oldest of the age group, I feel very uncertain about myself and whether I'm wasting time or pushing through a longer path to what I deserve. I still wish to achieve idealistic dreams as well as invest correctly in my future, and I guess it's quite cliche within Gen Z to want to pursue media arts as I do, but I'd like to spend one year after graduation exploring as many industries as possible. Do some commercial modelling, continue my image on the internet and maybe, if my self management skills improve, continue making jewelry and somehow within all this I'd like to do more interning as well but I really don't know how I can fit all this into a schedule AND I FEEL REALLY EMOTIONAL RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MITSKI IS PLAYING AHHHHH But I feel really proud of myself and the growth that I have taken. Although it might not be the best, but it has been one of my best bests and that is more than good enough for me. I have much trust that I will figure this out and do more than just enough to live, I will live the best that I can possibly live. Also I need to get a driving license qiqi