A letter from July 4th, 2023

Dear FutureMe, Hey, I'm back again... It's never about people this time. Just about me, about how I'm always back here again. Back in the same dark empty place doubting everything I know. It's about never finding the fic I need to fill my void and about never finding the spng to cry to and about never relating to the lyrics and never relating to the song or the anime or the show and **** THEM ALL because I don't care anymore. It's about trying and failing to describe myself because I need something or someone or anything to tell me or show me that I DESERVE SOMETHING and I'M NOT WEIRD and I'M NOT CRAZY and THIS IS NORMAL. I need to know normal. I need to stop thinking or start thinking usefully and stop just wondering if I'm the idiot or if I'm someday going to be better and have better and see better care and better friends and better brother and- I'm turning 15 in 8 days. I'm turning 15 and I'm not shocked and I don't even know what I wanna do for my birthday and I don't even care about my birthday but I want to care and I want to celebrate and I want to feel cared about! I'm turning 15 and I don't even know what I want as a gift and I'm sitting in my bed in a I don't even know what day at 3A.M and I'm hoping my friends know me better than I know myself and that they would actually be thoughtful in a gift I don't deserve because I never showed much care myself and I'm going to be dissapointed like every other time. I'm turning 15 and I think I need help but I think I don't deserve it and I think I'm being overdramatic and that I'm overthinking and I'm hoping...- I'm hoping something would change soon. Happy birthday by the way, I hope you get happier emails from me too.