A letter from Jul 01, 2023

Dear FutureMe, It is like mid-summer right now and it is going so bad. Mom and dad refuse to stay here for more than a couple of days. Ive been off of antidepressants since like march or something. I feel broken and horrible and I keep getting really close to attempting. I feel so unsafe in my own body and brain. relapsing has been bad. I am hoping that when I get this, in like 2 months. I will be settled down at school again, hopefully taking meds will boost the whole will to live thing. By then, you should have a car finally, hopefully a job, probably a therapist. I wonder how things are with me and the boyfriend. It is really funky right now because of how bad I am feeling and his situation camping with his gf. Like I am finally comfortable with a poly relationship, but everything is going to change when I am back and I am kind of scared for it. But I love him. I wanna hold onto him. There is nothing bad about the fact that its different. Its just different. As long as there is healthy communication, which there is, it'll be fine. It can be good. Just something to get used to. ooo roomate wise. I hope things with emma are good and fun, I hope the other two let us smoke. hopefully its fine. I bet the apartment is cute. Or at least my part of it. I am like so excited to be there and to start again. But I feel like I spent all school year waiting to come home and all of the summer waiting to go back. I kinda hate both places equally so hopefully I can find at least a small happy place because I really need it. I hope i got into rock climbing and am doing that regularly so I can get ******* ripped. Hopefully top surgery is at least in the talks. I just want the process to start so bad. Mom wants me to wait until I am like 40 but there is no ******* way in hell I could do that. Either my **** are gone or I am gone in the next 3 ******* years. I am ******* miserable, I hope that when I get this I have some pockets of good, somewhere I can take an unweighted breath. Also I hope my head is freshly buzzed and blonde.