A letter from May 11, 2023

here i am crying in my room feeling kind of sad. I'm worried about my future.. I keep wandering if just one day I will just unalive myself.. I know I tried so many to unalive myself but couldn't bring myself. I'm so unlucky, many bad things have been happening to me for so many years.. I was just 5 yrs old I got rapex by my father, I was just 5 yrs old! it kept going for so many years and He's been doing that to me daily every chance he had, my mother has a job so she didn't know. of course I was just a child back then I didn't know that stuff then I was 10 yrs old now that time I know what my father has been doing to me so I told my friends and my teacher, so my teacher of mine called a social welfare worker, so I told all my problems to the social welfare worker (about how my father rapex me daily and how my mother and father always fight) now she took me to a shelter to temporary stay ( I was only there for a week or so) and think what I'm going to do to my father. at first I want to take my father to the jail but unfortunately my mother forced me to think we are nothing when my father goes to jail so I choose not to.. I got out of that shelter, I stayed in to my grama's house everything went well then Idk for almost 1 year I got back to my parents house for some reason that I don't remember It was nice then after a few months my father went back at it again.. my parents always fighting even at christmas or even new years. I got depressed and anxiety to the point that I got so many suixide attempts I tried so many times to unalive myself, I felt so dirty! I was so sad that my father got my first times, My first kiss and my ofc my virginity at the age of 12 I got my first period at the age of 9, good thing I'm not pregnant now, I was so scared I was just a child. then I was 13 It was November 10 2022 I told my teacher (this is a diff teacher) my problem, I told her from the start of everything then this teacher of mine called a social welfare worker Then this social worker got me again Into a shelter I was happy, I love being in that shelter so many happy memories in that shelter I met so many peoples, but i was sad being in that shelter I was there in that shelter for 5 months I missed so many events Like christmas, New year, valentine's day and even my birthday (january 8) I cried during that dates because that days I couldn't be with my friends and my family I was locked up in that shelter. I said to myself I don't deserve this because my father should be the one who is locked up not me but I was also happy in that shelter because I have so many friends in that shelter so many caregivers I was happy. then the day come the social welfare told me that they interviewed my mother ask her If she believed me she said no.. I was hurt I was so hurt that exact time I didn't cry Yet then my mother visited me I wasn't saying a word because I know to myself that if I talked I would cry at any moment so the time I was quiet, my mother ask me if i was eating well, if I was okay, then she got up and picked up a bag and gave it to me it was a food a mcdonald food she knows it was my favorite, then she bring up a topic that I don't want to talk about but need to talk about she asked me why am i doing this, then that time my tears just blurted out of my eyes I was so sad i was so mad at my mom, I snapped I told her why won't you just believe me!? Why is it always my dad that you cared about!? am i still you daughter? do you even still treat me as your daughter!? Mom I'm your only child, your only daughter why are you doing this to me!? and i got up and ran into a dorm in the shelter and cried my hearts out, I also screamed till my throat are sore I was really mad at my mom, I scratched my arms till they're very red I couldn't control myself I was breaking down I cried and cried until I just couldn't breathe then I told to the social welfare that I don't want my mom to visit me again so then the following days the following weeks i was happy then a social welface worker ask me if i want to put my father in jail.. I want to put him in jail I really want to but guess what my mother forced my brain to say no.. my mother said that my father will abroad to keep him away from me so I said to myself I mean He's still father and my mother said that he will go abroad so i said no then I got out of the shelter at march 28 I was happy living with my other grama so far away from my parents. I was so happy sooo very happy but then my mother always call me crying saying my father beat her up everytime that i hear her cry I feel myself crying, then my grama called me (the first grama who took me in when i was just 10 yrs old) It was a normal conversation the topic was about school because of the shelter ( i got low grades because I didn't get to study because I was at the shelter the shelter didn't provide me education) then I said to my grama "grama I hate how the shelter didn't provide me education" she said "It's your fault, you wanted that" so I was just silent I felt like crying, I was like, It was my fault?, my fault?, why is it my fault?, it was my fault getting rapex by my father?, I wanted to get rapex by my father? I continued the conversation and ended the call then I cried, I cried so bad thinking why is it always my fault, they saw me as a crazy person imagining things first I got rapex by my father at the age of 5 until i was 13, 2nd is my mother and father fighting almost every day when i was a child until now, my mother don't believe me being rapex by my father, my grama blaming me for all of the things that has been happening to me, and lastly the shelter not providing me education so I'm going back to grade 8 (second year high school) so many bad things have been happening to me, so here i am crying in my room while listening to hollywood undead bullet thinking "is it really fault?" but my future self I hope you have a good life now since i really want to stop crying now, I hope mom and dad stop fighting though I know that it won't happen but my future self I'm so proud of us because we got this far I really love you please stop blaming yourself I know It's not our fault but I can't stop blaming myself but I hope my future self you can stop blaming yourself thats all for me *your past self ❤️