A letter from Apr 20, 2023

Hi beautiful Jessie, It's me, your 6 month before self. It has only been 6 months? i just wonder about the things that could change within this time. These last few weeks I've been feeling extremely down, i feel like i have spiraled backwards and i thought i was doing so well.. i think this is all just a part of healing though. i hope so, I've been contemplating life and how badly i want it and honestly its hard. Buggy still is the only main reason that i keep going but he is getting older now and it scares me because he is my only hope... Sometimes i wonder why it is i don't want anything in life other than finding someone to love, but i also want to be loved. I feel lost not having that, and maybe that's something i need to heal from. its been hard seeing myself as beautiful lately and i honestly do feel like I'm not good enough but i want to tell you that its not true, if you have made it through these past 6 months then Jessie you are one strong woman. I just want to tell you that i love you and that sometimes i know i can be so cruel and say the worst things to you and bring you down but at the end of the day we only have ourselves and i love you. Don't forget that you are so kind and loving and you have such a big and beautiful heart, and one day you will find that special someone who is going to give you the 'world'. You have been through so much in this life time and i know that it wont be the end of the turmoil's but if you got through it in the past please be strong and know that you can get through it again and again. Life is what you make of it, and i hope you try and make it worthwhile, it doesn't have to be perfect nothing in this world is perfect but make sure that it makes you happy and that's all that matters is your happiness because you honestly do deserve happiness Jess, please don't feel other wise. I wonder, and i don't know if he is still around but how is Tiaan? you know you really did love him and i wonder if you are over him now, please don't regret the love you shared with him. I saw a quote that said something along these lines ''sometimes you are put into the world to show love to someone who has never experienced it before and sometimes that doesn't always mean they will love you back'' loving him just shows how beautiful and creative that heart of yours is so please protect her for me, protect that beautiful heart of yours. you are a delicate flower and maybe some people have plucked your petals and broken your stems but that wont stop you from blooming again and again into that beautiful flower that you are. Jess, please tell your mother that you love her, i know that i cant do it now it feels like the hardest thing to say but i hope you can, she is a product of the life she endured and it might seem easy to think that she shouldn't have done the things she did to you, but your brains aren't the same, she doesn't know how to love and show love because she never got to fully accept and experience it. so forgive her i think that's all you can do. Yes, it is her fault she did do all the things she did to you and that is why you act and behave the way that you do but you are healing and you are growing and learning to be better and i don't think she was given the chance to, so please tell her you love her because behind all that anger and hatred it all comes from a place of love, because you do love your mother. if you are still around my Jess, just know i am excited to be with you and be you and i will forever be proud of this woman that you have become. We never ever imagined being 25, we didn't think we would make it this far and you did if you're reading this! look how beautiful you are, you got this girl! please take it easy, don't be so hard on yourself life is already hard on its own, and don't let people tell you how to live your life only you can walk in your shoes. And i hope you can find peace and listen to that voice in your head that tells you to give bread to the beggar because it really could just be God. I love you so much my Jessa, my beautiful girl, you are lovely and kind and this world needs more of you! you are not weak, you've got this! From your past self, take care