A letter from Jan 13, 2023

Dear FutureMe, Turns out it's national letter writing week! So obviously, I'm writing a letter to myself. In the future. Bc I have no one else to write to lolll So I'm alive. Surprisingly. Still. So far, anyway. Who knows when one day it all ends I started therapy with someone new, an office in town that I can meet with face to face. Her name is Abigail, and I think/hope it'll work out. She's really nice, I'm just terrified of switching therapists and starting the process of getting diagnosed. My relationship with mom and dad is getting so much better, I feel like I can start to communicate with them honestly and all that jazz. I still feel like I'm suffocating though, so I'll have to work on that. Hopefully by the time you get this things will be a little better Charity is coming home this may, I cannot wait to see her. It's been two years. I've missed her so so so much, it's not even funny. I hope that after all we've both been through, we still have that friendship. Maybe I'm overthinking again, but that fear is still very prevelant. Astella left on her mission, she'll be back next year. I'm so proud of all that she's accomplished, do you still feel that loneliness though? The weight of somehow not "measuring up" to everyone else in life. Countless people are married and kids, friends on missions, internships and college degrees and I don't know finding independence. I know I'm looking through a very narrow and rose tinted glass, but I almost can't help but follow that narrative in the back of my brain. I stopped writing. And playing the violin. And pretty much everything outside halo, scrolling endlessly on insta, buying candles and the internship. Yeah, I started working at Ranger if you remember lol. Hopefully I'm hired and my position is stable by the time this reaches you, so much of our future rides on this job. I'm praying it'll work out... cuz I can't handle job searching again. Not with everything else in my brain. Everyone is saying that the next step in healing is just implementing what I've learned, but it feels so much harder than that. I've been doing therapy for what 4 years and my therapists have told me that I know pretty much everything from the tools to the why to the trauma to all that fun stuff and jf I'm so smart then why can't I figure out how to freaking do it. I want, I desperately want to change and learn to love myself at my worst so that I can grow into my best and not have this persistent, ever growing temptation to just... give up. Die. Commit suicide and destroy everyone who loves me. Even knowing that, I still find comfort and relief in ***** EVEN THOUGH I know that it'll just cause so much more pain!!!! Am I delusional? Have I finally lost my mind? I'm scared to write this down, bc then it'll feel more real, but what if I'm past the point of fixing. What if, after all this effort and money and stress and tears and persisting, it all comes to nothing. I just... remain here. In this state of mind and being. Writing it down I know logically it's not true but those emotions and fears and unintelligible brainwaves still believe it to a degree I'm fighting my brain constantly. Does that change? Please I need hope. I'm scared. I don't know if I can hold on long enough to find out. It's getting so much harder. Anyway. I wish I had a more uplifting letter to send but I can't do that anymore. Sending love A.V.C