A letter from January 3rd, 2023

Dear FutureMe, 5 minutes ago I was lying on my basement floor bawling my eyes out with my head in a photo book. A photo book about the year that changed my family’s life. I was lying there in sadness. Disbelief. And anger. I thought a while back that maybe I’m doing okay with this. But really I haven’t talked about it or shared how I felt at all in these past months. So I found that book sat down it came. The rush of emotions. All the trauma came back to me. I was pulled back to the time my life changed and I was in a full blown panic. On my stomach with my hand over my mouth to not let a peep out so my mom would not hear me. Suffering from anxiety Flashbacks. This was a painful moment. I could not go through the rest of the book. I put it away put on some music and sat there with my back up against the dryer with my head in my knees. Entertaining a panic attack. I haven’t experienced one for awhile. And because of that I forgot what it felt like. it was scary. I felt like I was dying. I could not breathe. Or speak. Or move. I was just shaking. I was tense. I could not get it under control. I realize that I’m not healed from the trauma and betrayal I’ve experienced. I’ve put it in the back of my head and told myself I’m getting better. But I need to tell myself I still need help and that’s okay. Except a part of me says I’m not okay because im scared. Im scared that it will happen again. The endless pain in the nights. The pills. Oh the pills. The numbness they gave me. The feeling that i actually didn’t feel anything. Hospital visits. 5 hours or less of sleep cause I can’t stop thinking. The fake smile. The temptations. Appointments. Im scared im scared it will go back if I acknowledge that im not okay. And I don’t have the capacity to take it if it happens. But anyway I’ve sent this to you a year later because I want you to know that your always gonna have set backs. But that doesn’t mean the world is gonna end. This is what healing is. This is what raw trauma is. And your only able to heal if you really feel. 💔